A Cheat's Guide To Christmas! Bah Humbug!

How many of us get absolutely exhausted doing all the stuff we do at Christmas? Is it really necessary? We go out and buy the food, store it away for the big day. Then buy the Turkey, spend hours and hours cooking it, then when you are finally stuffed mentally and physically you are so tired that you can just about enjoy a glass of wine or something a bit stronger.

And what about buying those gifts and presents? Why does everything have to be so darn expensive? Here's a little secret for you. It doesn't have to be hard work or expensive. Just cheat a little. Christmas is supposed to be for the family, so with a bit of tinkering here and there you can get away with a really cheapo Christmas! Ah Ha!

And let's face it, most of the people you give gifts too never appreciate it! For example what was wrong with the woolly sweater with the reindeer on? My brother is so ungrateful! And so what if I bought my cousin a DVD that she already had? She can watch it again can't she?

• Don't bother to keep buying up loads of vegetables and chocolates, just get in the car and head down to your local store late at night before they close. There is always a sale on the food, just take a great big box and fill it up with bargains!
• Clear out your freezer so that you have enough room for all the cheap food. Don't want it going off now do we? Shove everything in there even the chocolates, you can always thaw them out the day before Christmas!
• Buy all your chips and crisps from the wholesaler. Or even better, go to the market and grab a huge box of them. Most sellers will be happy to sell you 200 packets for a discount!
• Instead of buying the Turkey at the last minute when the prices are sky high why not buy one in January and store it in that freezer again?! Okay, as long as the bills don't get too high and you lose your electricity supply you should be able to avoid salmonella!
• If you really are lazy, or just plain desperate to get more food get back to those supermarkets and wait for the guys to throw the out of date food away. Grab it as they throw it in the trash, then leg it pretty quickly!

• Go to Super-drug or the pound or dollar store. You can buy loads of stuff for kids there, and hey how will they know that the pen set, or dippy dog you bought was so cheap? They should be grateful for a toy, not moan! Bah Humbug!
• For him. Why? What's he done for you this year? make sure that you buy him something appropriate such as Toiletries if he only buys you stupid things like kitchen equipment. Unless he's been good then that's different, splash out. If he's lucky he may just get himself a new razor!
• For her. Same old same old. Makeup from the dollar store, stockings from the buy one get one free shop over the road from your house. Well, why make too much effort? She will only throw them in the drawer and say Thanks Darlin' now get me a drink!
• Splash out on the family pet. That's allowed. Dogs and cats are loyal. They don't moan, whinge whine or play up. They behave themselves. So make sure you spend your money making them as comfortable and well fed as possible.
• And don't forget Grandma. She is always good for a cook book. Get her the one you bought her last year. She won't remember. Just grab it back and wrap it. Simple.
• Grandad? May be a bit more difficult. Especially if you bought him those nose clippers. They may be a bit dirty. Clean 'em off, and dip em in the sink with brasso. That will do it. Then wrap it up nicely.

Just before Christmas stuff the Turkey, defrost that darn freezer and get the chocolate out. It may have gone a funny color by now but hey who cares? Its chocolate. Cook up all the food at once, and put it on really pretty paper plates. This way you can blame the paper if the food tastes like cardboard.

Then wrap yourself silly with the Christmas paper. Make sure each present looks so nice it don't matter what the hell it looks like when its opened.

And last but not least. Make sure you feed the dog lots of scraps, so when it starts making funny noises and smells, it will take away the attention from your secret of cheap presents. Lets face it, who wants to read a cook book when the dog stinks?

Happy Cheating Christmas!