ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Holidays and Celebrations»
  • Christmas

A Cheat's Guide To Christmas! Bah Humbug!

Updated on December 3, 2014

Oh Yeah Why Bother?!

public domain
public domain

How many of us get absolutely exhausted doing all the stuff we do at Christmas? Is it really necessary? We go out and buy the food, store it away for the big day. Then buy the Turkey, spend hours and hours cooking it, then when you are finally stuffed mentally and physically you are so tired that you can just about enjoy a glass of wine or something a bit stronger.

And what about buying those gifts and presents? Why does everything have to be so darn expensive? Here's a little secret for you. It doesn't have to be hard work or expensive. Just cheat a little. Christmas is supposed to be for the family, so with a bit of tinkering here and there you can get away with a really cheapo Christmas! Ah Ha!

And let's face it, most of the people you give gifts too never appreciate it! For example what was wrong with the woolly sweater with the reindeer on? My brother is so ungrateful! And so what if I bought my cousin a DVD that she already had? She can watch it again can't she?


Be A Food Cheat!

  • Don't bother to keep buying up loads of vegetables and chocolates, just get in the car and head down to your local store late at night before they close. There is always a sale on the food, just take a great big box and fill it up with bargains!
  • Clear out your freezer so that you have enough room for all the cheap food. Don't want it going off now do we? Shove everything in there even the chocolates, you can always thaw them out the day before Christmas!
  • Buy all your chips and crisps from the wholesaler. Or even better, go to the market and grab a huge box of them. Most sellers will be happy to sell you 200 packets for a discount!
  • Instead of buying the Turkey at the last minute when the prices are sky high why not buy one in January and store it in that freezer again?! Okay, as long as the bills don't get too high and you lose your electricity supply you should be able to avoid salmonella!
  • If you really are lazy, or just plain desperate to get more food get back to those supermarkets and wait for the guys to throw the out of date food away. Grab it as they throw it in the trash, then leg it pretty quickly!

Get Your Cheap Food Here!

seattlepi.com
seattlepi.com

The Cheapest Christmas Presents Ever!

  • Go to Super-drug or the pound or dollar store. You can buy loads of stuff for kids there, and hey how will they know that the pen set, or dippy dog you bought was so cheap? They should be grateful for a toy, not moan! Bah Humbug!
  • For him. Why? What's he done for you this year? make sure that you buy him something appropriate such as Toiletries if he only buys you stupid things like kitchen equipment. Unless he's been good then that's different, splash out. If he's lucky he may just get himself a new razor!
  • For her. Same old same old. Makeup from the dollar store, stockings from the buy one get one free shop over the road from your house. Well, why make too much effort? She will only throw them in the drawer and say Thanks Darlin' now get me a drink!
  • Splash out on the family pet. That's allowed. Dogs and cats are loyal. They don't moan, whinge whine or play up. They behave themselves. So make sure you spend your money making them as comfortable and well fed as possible.
  • And don't forget Grandma. She is always good for a cook book. Get her the one you bought her last year. She won't remember. Just grab it back and wrap it. Simple.
  • Grandad? May be a bit more difficult. Especially if you bought him those nose clippers. They may be a bit dirty. Clean 'em off, and dip em in the sink with brasso. That will do it. Then wrap it up nicely.

Happy Christmas!

Just before Christmas stuff the Turkey, defrost that darn freezer and get the chocolate out. It may have gone a funny color by now but hey who cares? Its chocolate. Cook up all the food at once, and put it on really pretty paper plates. This way you can blame the paper if the food tastes like cardboard.

Then wrap yourself silly with the Christmas paper. Make sure each present looks so nice it don't matter what the hell it looks like when its opened.

And last but not least. Make sure you feed the dog lots of scraps, so when it starts making funny noises and smells, it will take away the attention from your secret of cheap presents. Lets face it, who wants to read a cook book when the dog stinks?

Happy Cheating Christmas!

Blame It On The Dawg!

public domain
public domain

© 2012 Nell Rose

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 2 years ago

      Lol. great hub!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 2 years ago from England

      Hiya Doc, lol! yes bah humbug! I never do anything at christmas these days, I just go to my sons and let him and his girlfriend run around after me! Heehee! thanks!

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 2 years ago

      You really made me laugh! The picture speaks for itself. The title caught my attention. You're so right! Grocery shopping and cooking during the holidays can be overwhelming. I just buy gift cards. lol.

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 2 years ago from England

      Hiya Jo, LOLOLOLO! thanks for the laugh! are you sure you don't want granpa's clippers? LOL!

    • LadyFiddler profile image

      Joanna Chandler 2 years ago from On planet Earth

      You're simply ridiculous ha ha ha? old expired food stuff? do you know those things turn worms on or before the expiry date? There's a reason why they are throwing it away.

      Why would you do an old senile lady that Nell? re-wrap a gift, that is senior citizen abuse! I am calling adult support services! Your mean.

      and cleaning off grandpa clippers is even more gross i would not want to touch that :( ewww!!!

      here's what please don't even buy me a Christmas present. LOL

    • Better Living profile image

      Better Living 4 years ago

      Too funny. Can't wait for your next hub!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Jama, that sounds great to me! lol! my friend always goes to a restaurant for Christmas lunch she says it is much cheaper and so much easier, luckily I went to my sons and his girlfriends this year, it was great!

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 4 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Funnnny hub, Nell! My experience, though, is cheap gifts go straight to the trash bin, so why bother? The LEAST expensive gift of all is my good wishes. Timeless. No wrapping required except slipping the Christmas card into an envelope, addressing, stamping. As for feeding the hungry hoards, why waste electricity and freezer space, or kill yourself in a hot kitchen? Pick a (decent) restaurant that's open on Christmas Eve and take the whole lot there. Compare the bill to all the grocery bills for stocking up pre-holiday and 9 times out of 10, the restaurant route is wayyyy cheaper. Plus no prep time, no washing up after, no wasted leftovers.

      Am I a Scrooge? Not totally. For the other 11 months of the year I gift loved ones with items I **know** they want and will appreciate ( a certain book or DVD, for instance), items that won't go straight to the bin. Sometimes if I'm feeling especially holiday-ish, I'll wrap the items in the Christmas paper I got for 70%-off the week after The Day, thereby doubling the surprise value in late-spring or mid-summer. ;D

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Thanks guys, hope you all had a great Christmas!

    • Peanutritious profile image

      Tara Carbery 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK

      Great lighthearted hub! I have bought my Cats a new scratching post with three tiers and a swinging hammock! They are having roast chicken drumsticks for their christmas dinner too!

    • profile image

      Kathleen Kerswig 4 years ago

      Good job with this Hub! Voted up! The pets get my vote for all the gifts. I love my cats and they take advantage of that every chance they get. Hope you're having a wonderful holiday!

    • Jennifer Stone profile image

      Jennifer Stone 4 years ago from the Riverbank, England

      A great laugh for Christmas Eve, thank you! :-) I love that you say to spend all the money on the pets, good thinking! The only ones who truly deserve it for sure... lol

      Voted up and all sorts, and a very merry Christmas to you... all the best with Yuletide wishes, Jen

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Thanks Maria, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas too, and God bless Jessica Rekos too, nell

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Nell,

      I needed to shake up my reading with some lightheartedness. Thank you so much for putting a knowing smile on my face...oh, how I relate!

      In keeping with Honey BB's challenge, this is the 20th of 26 hubs I am reading today.

      This hub is dedicated to Jessica Rekos (05-10-06) and may her sweet soul rest in peace.

      Merry Christmas to you, dear woman. Hugs, Maria

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi midget, glad you liked my funny ideas! lol! and thanks for reading, nell

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 4 years ago from Singapore

      Hi Nell, we need these tips right at about this time! Thanks for sharing....I enjoy going to wholesales, actually. Sometimes, they have more stuff to look at than in ordinary shopping situations. Thanks for sharing!! I will pass this along.

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Thanks beth, glad you liked it, nell

    • bethperry profile image

      Beth Perry 4 years ago from Tennesee

      Nell, some good advice and laughs too here! Really enjoyed this Hub.

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi kitty, lol! now that's what I like to hear! Have a great Christmas, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi teaches, lol! but not the salmonella! thanks for reading, and have a great Christmas!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Hattie, thats the best way to do it! lol! thanks so much, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Deborah, thanks for reading, and I am glad you liked it, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi moonlake, lol! ah bless! I love giving gifts to the animals, they appreciate it so much more! lol! thanks as always, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Peggy, lol! its that dawg picture, I love it! glad you liked it, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Ruchira, lol! I am glad you found it funny, I don't like Christmas to be to serious, all that cooking phew! as my mum would have said, just a bit of whimsy! thanks so much, nell

    • Ruchira profile image

      Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

      Seriously, Nell..this is so darn funny!

      I loved every bit of it and was reading it loud since could not believe it what i read in the first place...lol

      world would be a brighter place...and no stress!!

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 4 years ago from Houston, Texas

      Haha! Any strange odors can always be blamed on the 'dawg." This was so funny to read and is a nice way to sign off the computer for the night. I have a great big smile on my face! Up, funny and sharing.

    • moonlake profile image

      moonlake 4 years ago from America

      Our dog is the one that is the funnest at Christmas. He just waits to open that gift and knows he has another toy to put in his toy basket. Funny hub voted up.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for the humorous reality check. The holidays can be pretty stressful, and I'm glad for the laugh.

      Namaste.

    • HattieMattieMae profile image

      HattieMattieMae 4 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

      ha ha...I haven't gotten any kitchen appliances...so we buy nice things for eachother! love your hub!

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 4 years ago

      Nell, your advice is right on! I found your wit entertaining. I guess buying that turkey in January is a wise decision. Great guide on Christmas shopping.

    • kittythedreamer profile image

      Nicole Canfield 4 years ago from the Ether

      This was hilarious, Nell! And you're right, why bother with everyone unless they deserve it? LOL. My secret is re-gifting...shhh...don't tell anyone.

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Lol! thanks Audrey!

    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 4 years ago from California

      You crack me up Nell!! Loved this!! and sharing!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Daisy, lol! just having one of my funny five minutes! thanks as always, nell

    • Daisy Mariposa profile image

      Daisy Mariposa 4 years ago from Orange County (Southern California)

      Nell,

      What a fun...and clever...article! The photograph of the little boy and the big dawg is priceless!!!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Susan, lol! thanks so much for sharing it, and I am glad it made you laugh, have a great Christmas!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Victoria, lol! glad you liked it and thanks!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi lovedoctor, lol! he thinks everyone has gone mad with the tree etc! ah bless him! have a great Christmas, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Angela, lol! glad you liked it, and have a great Christmas and your family, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Alicia, thanks so much, yep me too, my animals get the best, its the humans who have to work for it! haha! have a great Christmas!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Thanks for reading Angela, glad you liked it, nell

    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 4 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      This is funny, Nell! Thanks for the entertainment. I completely agree with you about buying the pets nice gifts. I buy my dogs, cats and birds Christmas gifts - they all enjoy the celebration! I hope you have a great Christmas this year.

    • Angela Blair profile image

      Angela Blair 4 years ago from Central Texas

      Delightfully entertaining read -- thanks for brightening up the Christmas season for this old lady -- loved it! Best/Sis

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 4 years ago

      These are very good tips. voting up funny & useful.

      Lol. My dog has been acting up lately. I'm scared he's going to knock down the Christmas tree with the rest of the ornaments. At night, he just stands inside his doggy house and stares at the Christmas lights. He just ripped up my parent's Christmas card. Arggggh!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      LOL! too funny! You can thank Just Ask Susan for sharing this. Loved it!

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Oh Nell this is fantastic! I laughed all the way through and thought I couldn't laugh anymore until I read about what to get Grandma. Brilliant!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Lol! thanks sgbrown thats given me more ideas for grandma and grandpa! yes dogs can be blamed for so much! haha!

    • sgbrown profile image

      Sheila Brown 4 years ago from Southern Oklahoma

      We have 2 dogs that stay under the table during meals, yes they are spoiled! This way, any strange sounds or smells at the table can easily get blamed on the dogs! LOL Very funny! Grandma and grandpa usually get a new personalized coffee mug and slippers. :) I don't remember what I got them last year, much less them remember! :)

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi alocsin, now thats a great idea! lol! thanks so much as always, nell

    • alocsin profile image

      alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

      Excellent ways to cheat. But for me, the biggest way to minimize Christmas is to schedule your vacations so you're abroad during that day. You still get to celebrate, but don't have to worry about getting presents and meals for everyone else. Voting this Up and Useful.

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Lol! Hi Jackie, its all in fun! I love Christmas going to midnight mass and having a normal Christmas, just couldn't resist it! lol!

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 4 years ago from The Beautiful South

      You are crazy! I play some tricks but some of yours sort of turn the stomach! lol Fun read!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Janine, thanks so much, and yes get him a razor! lol!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Yeah Linda! thanks so much, want to come for Christmas dinner? haha!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi trav, lol! I am sure it causes problems buying that early, thanks so much for reading, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Lizzy, lol! yep cats will do! thanks as always, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      lol! thanks Mhatter, yes that dogs says it all!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Sharky, Haha! yes get some socks! thanks for reading, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Larry, lol! thanks as always, and glad you found it funny, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi anne, yes eventually the flu, bronchitis and now I am sure whooping cough is on its way out! long story! lol! thanks so much for reading, and erm are you sure you don't want an invite?! haha!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Thanks christopher, you too, hope you have a great day, and thanks for stopping by, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi carol, glad you liked it, and it made you laugh, this is how I really do see Christmas sometimes, but only sometimes! haha!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      lol! Aw Rain, are you sure? you are most welcome! thanks for reading, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Thanks for reading starbright, I will expect you with the turkey and everything cooked all ready! lol!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Thanks avian, I have had so many dogs in my time its amazing what you can blame on the dog! haha! thanks for reading, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Ruby, lol! another chocolate cheat! yes I hate cooking, but at least this year I am going to my sons and his girlfriends, thank goodness! thanks as always, nell

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi drbj, lol! shame on you for sneaking in there and getting the chocolate! thanks for reading!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 4 years ago from south Florida

      Very funny, Nell. Everyone benefits from these cheap gifts except poor old Granny. But as you pointed out, she probably won't remember she got the same gift last year.

      But chocolate in the freezer won't work for me cause just like Ruby I'll know it's there and long before Christmas it will be just a memory.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      HaHa, you have the best ideas lol. I am in. Who wants to spend the day cooking? The only thing that wouldn't work for me is putting chocolate in the freezer. I would defrost the unit by opening the lid every 5 sec. to grab another chocolate. Have a merry cheating Christmas. Hee.

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 4 years ago from Stillwater, OK

      That was pretty darn funny, but let's face it, the smelly dog will make you forget anything.

    • starbright profile image

      Lucy Jones 4 years ago from Scandinavia

      Sounds great. What time should we come - haha. The dawg looks positively unhappy about this years gift though. Have a wonderful Christmas Nell and thanks for sharing these insightful tips.

      I just read this again - it's hilarious. Thanks so much.

    • Rain Defence profile image

      Rain Defence 4 years ago from UK

      Top work Nell, don't think I want to come round yours this year though! Poundland all the way!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Thats the way it should be Deborah! haha! sort out the pets and let everyone else do their own thing, have a great Christmas!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Thanks grandmapearl! just wanted to bah humbug it a bit! lol! and whats wrong with a clean nose clipper and cook book? haha! have a great Christmas, nell

    • grandmapearl profile image

      Connie Smith 4 years ago from Southern Tier New York State

      A big old 'bah humbug' and 'atta girl' goes out to you, Nell! I'm still laughing about the gifts for granny and gramps! Only you could come up with such an irreverent and hilarious hub!! I wish you a very Happy Christmas.

    • DeborahNeyens profile image

      Deborah Neyens 4 years ago from Iowa

      Yes, always splurge on the pets. I always get my dog a bunch of gifts at Christmas. Even the cats. I get the cats catnip toys, wrap them, and let them go crazy trying to get them out of the wrapping paper.

    • carol7777 profile image

      carol stanley 4 years ago from Arizona

      Very funny..Woke up to this and a bit of humor for the day. Well written and lots of truths. Thanks for creating some humor today.

    • christopheranton profile image

      Christopher Antony Meade 4 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

      Have a great Christmas Nell, but then I'm certain you will anyway.

    • bac2basics profile image

      Anne 4 years ago from Spain

      Hi Nell...erm don´t want to be rude but no invite to your house this christmas thanks, I made other arrangements LOL. Great hub Nell and the last picture is the winner...poor dog. Hope you are getting over the flu now.

    • Larry Fields profile image

      Larry Fields 4 years ago from Northern California

      Hi Nell. Blame it on the dog? That's a howler! Oh, bad pun! Bad Larry! *slaps self on wrist*

      Voted up and funny.

    • Sharkye11 profile image

      Jayme Kinsey 4 years ago from Oklahoma

      Great tips! I especially love the idea of dumpster diving for the meal. While I am in there, I may even find presents for the family! You just never know whey someone is going to throw away a pair of socks or a perfectly good toothbrush!

      And that chocolate? The color is not a problem! Just melt it down in that fondue pot your man bought you last year for Christmas. Perfect for dipping those dollar store orange slices in!

      Loved this! Thanks for the laugh!

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 4 years ago from San Francisco

      That picture at the end made me forget what I was going to write. Thank you

    • DzyMsLizzy profile image

      Liz Elias 4 years ago from Oakley, CA

      LOL! Funny stuff, Nell! We don't have a dog, so we'd have to blame the cats...and believe me, two of them have, uhhh..."priors!"

      Voted up & f

      unny!

    • travmaj profile image

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      I liked the dog getting special treats - yeah - got to reward loyalty. Buying the turkey in January great idea. By the way, I once tried buying wine and spirits in the January sales - for next years Christmas gifts . It definitely doesn't work!

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Blame it on the dog! lol I love your Bah Humbug hub!!! You rocked it Nell! :)

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Too funny Nell. Loved them all especially that special man in your life and toiletries, lol!! Great job and have of course voted up and shared, too!!

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi Sunnie, lol! thanks! glad it made you laugh, and don't forget, blame it on the dawg!

    • profile image

      Sunnie Day 4 years ago

      Thank you Nell for the big smiles here in Texas. Funny hub with many helpful tips that will sure make the season ...well...uh..fun! hehe

      Merry Christmas!

      Sunnie

    • Nell Rose profile image
      Author

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Hi billy, lol! glad you found it funny, I just couldn't resist it! thanks as always, nell

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Always blame it on the damn dog! We have three of them so no problem at all. :)

      Great fun Nell; had me laughing quite hard and this is a great hub to end my day with.

      bill