An Honest Look at a Few "Slacker Santa's" Gift Ideas For Christmas

For many years, Christmas, which is only three weeks away, has been about Jesus’ birthday, shopping for gifts for loved ones, giving gifts to loved ones, and “peace on earth. Goodwill toward men.”

A truly magical-time of the year. Christmas. Some now call it “holiday time,” for fear of offended those who do not believe that God Jehovah ranks number one.

When it comes time to exchange gifts, we are all excited. At first, because of our human nature. “we are getting a good gift,” we think to ourselves with eyes-a twinkle.

Then it happens. “That” moment that we’ve all experienced. “That” instant where we all turn from a normal person, to professional actors and are forced to “act” as if we love those tube socks instead of a toaster oven that we “really” wanted. “Slacker Santa” strikes again.

Come on. Admit it. You’ve done it. Most every American has done it. I’ve done it so much that in years past I should have seven Oscars lined-up on my mantel.

And why do “we” have to “act” like the gift we opened was “just what we wanted?” Simply because you and I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings. “We” care. And want our Christmas time with friends and family to be peaceful, fun, and joyful.

Not so with that smug-faced group of people who view Christmas as just another day. The “Slacker Santa’s.” A fitting-name for these self-absorbed, smug, conceited people who think so little of opening gifts, they are occupied on cellphones texting friends, “hey, bro. Having a boredomfest. LOL.”

“Slacker Santa’s” are not giving people. These “special” individuals are “takers.” They are great at “receiving” expensive, well-thought-out gifts that a certain aunt Judy bought for them when she drew their name around the first of December.

But like I said, “Slacker Santa’s” suck at giving, gifts, attention, a shoulder to lean on, and they are so selfish, they will not give a person the time of day. And a “Slacker Santa” so defines the word, “selfish,” that they refuse to “give” anyone a hard time.

I am not a “Slacker Santa.” I love to try to make the person I am “gifting” happy with my gift choice.

Not with “Slacker Santa’s,” who rush into any store that’s open at the speed of light, gas stations, convenience stores and even goodwill stores, and return with a brown bag with some gift they have found on the lower-shelf in the back of the store near the “Dollar Bargains Galore Section.” In other words, the cheaper the better for the “Slacker Santa.”

Learn this valuable lesson: The less they spend on you and I, the better. Remember, it’s hoarding, scrimping, being down-right stingy as Scrooge, not giving, that drives the “Slacker Santa” through his life.

But with this story, I believe that awareness will be raised about how the “Slacker Santa’s” spend little or no time at all, thinking about your gift, or maybe my gift when it’s up to them to “play ‘real’ Santa” at the family get-together.

Maybe just one “Slacker Santa” will read this and get the “fear of Ol’ St. Nick” in their heart and change their way of buying and giving gifts. One can only hope.

To help you spot a gift from a “Slacker Santa,” here is, what I believe to be, a list of items that “Slacker Santa’s” use to fool us into believing are good gifts.

I call this piece, “A Look at a Few “Slacker Santa’s” Gift Ideas for Christmas.”

Read and learn.

CASSETTE TAPES - yeah, perfect for the person who has nothing. Just pray tell who really uses cassette tapes anymore? You see, the "Slacker Santa," is preying on your lack of fads and knows by your age, that you still think a cassette tape works in any tape player. Try it one time in your CD player and anger will fume from your ears.

COFFEE MUGS - make wonderful Christmas gifts. But mugs given by "Slacker Santa's" are drab, obscure, and do not have your name on them. Oh, that would cost "Slacker Santa" way too much, so he smugly-smiles and hands you this facsimile for a Christmas gift and goes about his business.

INCREDIBLE HULK POSTER - are you a teenager? No. You are this "Slacker Santa's" grandma, age seventy-nine. I guess the "Slacker Santa," thought you would love this wall poster of a character who doesn't exist.

SEAT CUSHIONS - cost roughly, $5.50 each on sale. Not for "Slacker Santa." He went to the local goodwill store and "scored" a few of these at the low-cost of $1.00 each. What a sensitive, caring gift-giver we have in the "Slacker Santa." Actually, these were YOUR seat cushions that you donated to the goodwill two years ago.

SHOE POLISH - when you live in a dry climate, you are prone to wearing flip-flops around the house and outside, not dress shoes. Once again, "Slacker Santa," thought by you seeing this famous brand, KIWI, you would be so carried-away with happiness, the reality of you getting a useless gift wouldn't set-in until he was long gone.

SKI MASK - one, you do not know how to snow ski. Second, if you do wear this in public during a cold snap, the Homeland Security agents will tackle you and throw you to the ground and force you to endure 12 hours of hard-questioning. But does the "Slacker Santa," care? You know the answer to that question.

SOCKS - are a great tool used by most "Slacker Santa's," to fool the gift recipient, that at least they got something, for the "Slacker Santa," has done his homework. He realizes that you are not a vocal, outspoken person, so he makes his move in giving you these cheap socks. I guess now he is waiting for you to give him a kiss on the cheek. Do not do this. Walk to the door and tell him to "hit the bricks."

SWEATER VEST - can be a great gift, if you are a man in his late 20's, 30's, or even his 40's or 50's, with a love for golf. But you are a grandpa, age 88. "Slacker Santa" is taking advantage of you, "gramps," with this boring gift. Or haven't you noticed that most of the men in your family who are younger than you all had sweater vests just like this one last year at the family get-together? "Slacker Santa," knows that your mind isn't what it used to be, so chalk-up another selfish act by these "jerks" who only pretend to give gifts.

HIP WADERS - for a teenager girl, age 16. Oh, yeah I like the sound of this idea. Now would you please erase my ignorance of this problem that I have in a "Slacker Santa" giving a lovely teenage girl a gift so stupid as hip waders? Even I know that teen's today are not into hip waders as a fad. But "Slacker Santa," with his "five o'clock shadow," smug face, and fake smile, handed his second-cousin, "Julie," this "gift," and when her face went all red with embarrassment, "Slacker Santa," facetiously-asked, "what's the problem, Jules?" What an idiot.

WATER HOSE - you bet. This just might the "number one fake gift," given by any "Slacker Santa," veteran or rookie. But you are a female lawyer who handles important legal cases, what on earth would a woman with your credentials do with a water hose? "Slacker Santa," thinks you are so gullible that you will say, "Wy' thank you, cousin "Todd," this is just what I wanted."

This year, do me, and all caring people across America huge favor. IF YOU ARE SENDING OUT INVITATIONS TO YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS TO ATTEND YOUR ANNUAL CHRISTMAS GET-TOGETHER . . .AND ONE OF THESE INVITATIONS IS ADDRESSED TO A "SLACKER SANTA," A/K/A "GRANDSON JEFFREY," EITHER TEAR IT UP, BURN IT. I DON'T CARE. JUST DON'T INVITE HIM, OR SOMEONE AT YOUR CHRISTMAS GET-TOGETHER WILL LEAVE WITH A CHEAP GIFT AND HURT FEELINGS.

Thank you!

KENNETH and please, have a Merry Christmas!