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Do You Think of Me? A Mother's Day Tribute

Updated on June 15, 2011

In July of 1979 a baby girl was born in Cleveland. She was tiny, even for a newborn, and she gave her mother particular pain during the vaginal delivery as a breech-birth baby. She was born with shocking red hair and blue eyes in the early hours of the 22nd day of the month. You never held her. You never put her to your breast or kissed her cheek. You never reached your arms out for her.

Instead she was taken from you to the nursery to wait for her foster parents. That little girl never had the opportunity to know you or to know very much about you except that you loved her enough to put her into the arms of a family who could care for her as you could not. You cared enough about your daughter to give her opportunities that you couldn't provide. You cared enough to know how much you could handle.

I respect you for that.

I am 29 years old now, and have spent most of my life wondering about you, Mother. I have limited information, just enough to tell me that you were taller than my 5'3" (you were 5'9") and that I didn't get my red hair from you (yours was brown). I know when and where I was born, and I have an idea that you lived close enough to my adoptive parents that I might have passed you on the street without ever knowing it was you. I know that there was another child (also adopted) before me, possibly another girl. I know that your last name might have been Link, before you were married (if you were married).

I know a lot of things, Mother, even if I have never seen your face.

I know that you cared.

For so many years I thought that you would never have given me up if you had cared about me. My heart told me that if you loved me you would have been there for me, you would have held onto me with everything you were worth. I wondered how you could pass your own child into the hands of another and walk away.

Then I did it. I felt at the time that I had no choice but to surrender custody of my children to another person. I felt desperate and frightened. I was homeless and my husband and I were alone. We knew that we couldn't do what we needed to do to take care of our children, and we signed the papers that allowed them to be adopted.

For a long time I thought that my heart would break. I can understand now how you might have felt walking away, Mother. I can understand that your recovery in that hospital must have been difficult for you. I understand that there must have been such an ache in your heart.

I used to ask myself and others "does she think about me?"

Mother, not a day goes by that I don't think of the little girls I gave up. Not a day goes by when my heart doesn't feel some agony for their being gone. Some days I feel as though I will never recover and that things will never, ever be better for me without them in my life. Some days it is pure agony and I don't want to go on living. I question my decision, I wonder if there was something else that we could have done. I miss my girls.

I talk to other birth moms, and I'm not alone in the way that I feel. It isn't uncommon for birth mothers to miss their children and to wonder what could have been. We aren't different, you and I: we both look at our lives and wonder "what could have been?"

I don't miss you so much any more. It pains me to know that one day my children will feel the same way. They won't want to find me and get to know me the way that I have spent most of my life hoping to find and get to know you. They will stop missing me and the void will somehow be filled. They will move on with their lives as I have, have children of their own, and they will forget about me.

They will forget except for every Mother's Day, and every birthday, and then they will be reminded that there is someone out there for them. Is she thinking about them? Are you thinking about me?

A part of me still longs to meet you, Mother. A part of me wants to reach out my hands and embrace you. I am a part of you as my children are part of me. It pains me to know that the circle of my family isn't complete, that there is something missing. I hope that one day all will be restored, but until that day, I hope it is enough for me to say...

Happy Mother's Day!

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    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 6 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      This is so sad and beautiful and hopeful.....and i love it....blesssings to you...debbie

    • Everyday Miracles profile image
      Author

      Becki Rizzuti 9 years ago from Indiana, USA

      That means a lot. Thank you.

    • no body profile image

      Robert E Smith 9 years ago from Rochester, New York

      My mother and I became estranged on the event of my salvation.  She could not handle my joining mainstream Christianity, converting from the cult in which I was raised.  I was 21 when that happened and I tried all these years to send my love and affection over the phone or with cards, with prayers and with tears.  Recently my brother Dan decided to move my parents somewhere and all decided not to tell me where they went or how to contact them.  Now I can not even call every year or so and get abused.  All I can do is remember her voice and pray for her.  She thinks of me as a heretic and as someone that is absolutely dangerous to her and all she loves.  So I understand the absence and vacuum when there is no physical parent-child connection.  Also I have adopted two precious children that are my heart.  My son received a sealed letter from his birth mom when we received him at 4 days old.  He is now 22.  My daughter received no such letter because her mom couldn't bring herself to do such a thing for whatever reason.  She is now 21.  I see the effects of such situations even though the Lord heals and watches over the motherless or childlessness as the case may be.  Again your kind spirit is why you are so successful on hubpages.  The Lord is truly blessing you.  Luvya Sis

    • Everyday Miracles profile image
      Author

      Becki Rizzuti 9 years ago from Indiana, USA

      Nobody can speak for everyone, Maggs, but I know that I think of my children *often*. I have talked with other birth mothers who have felt the same way about their children.

      Especially if your birth mother was so young when she had you, she probably *does* think of you very often.

      It's comforting in an odd way, isn't it?

    • maggs224 profile image

      maggs224 9 years ago from Sunny Spain

      As a child that was adopted I found it easy to relate to the thoughts you had on Mothers Day as these were similar to mine but seeing how it is from the mum's perspective was new to me. I often wonder especially on my birthday if she thinks of me, always supposing that she is still alive as I am now 62 going on 63 and that would make her about 75 yes I have got the math right she was only twelve and a half when she had me. It is comforting to think that she might give me a thought sometimes hopefully without all the rubbish and pain that preceeded my birth and followed it. I am sure that your birth mum would be proud to know that she has a daughter like you.

    • Everyday Miracles profile image
      Author

      Becki Rizzuti 9 years ago from Indiana, USA

      Which agency do you mean, raegal? I have a last name to get me started, but it's such a common name in the area in which I was born :(

    • raegal profile image

      raegal 9 years ago from Minnesota

      Very touching story! It's interesting since you were on both ends of the spetrum. I was also adopted, and reunited with my birthmother when I was 29. There are a lot of resources out there if you ever want to start a search (I just had to call the agency to get a search going.)

    • dianacharles profile image

      dianacharles 9 years ago from India

      This was so touching Everyday Miracles.....since you believe in miracles, I am sure you believe you will meet your birth mom soon, just as you are meeting your own daughters after 3 years

    • Lisa HW profile image

      Lisa HW 9 years ago from Massachusetts

      Everyday Miracles, needless to say your story is a sad one, both as an adopted child and mother in your situation.  Hope your time this Summer helps all of your feel a little closer.  You probably don't need me to say this, but just in case it's at all helpful, I adopted my eldest son (very different situation from yours), and then I had his two younger siblings.  I have so, so, always treasured him (and, of course, my younger son and daughter); and I've always hoped that other adopted people and/or birth parents can know how very much adoptive parents can love the children they adopt. That may not ease the sadness from the birth mother's viewpoint, but maybe keeping that in mind can at least help someone feel better to know how loved children can be. (My son understands the reasons for his adoption, and he knows it had nothing to do with someone not wanting him.)

    • Everyday Miracles profile image
      Author

      Becki Rizzuti 9 years ago from Indiana, USA

      It's always hard, but they were adopted by family so it's a very open adoption. Because we now live out of state we don't get to see them as often as we would like, but we're lucky to be going some time this summer with my parents.

    • Teresa McGurk profile image

      Sheila 9 years ago from The Other Bangor

      Bless ya. Have a lovely time with your girls this summer. Your story is a sad one -- but I admire your selflessness in letting your girls go so that they could be provided for. That has got to have been hard.

    • Everyday Miracles profile image
      Author

      Becki Rizzuti 9 years ago from Indiana, USA

      Thank you everyone for the responses!

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      *swipes at my eyes*

      E.M. - if I were your mother, I'd be so very proud of you. If I were your daughter...I'd be in awe. Beautifully written and so very compassionate. Happy Mother's Day to you!

    • Dottie1 profile image

      Dottie1 9 years ago from MA, USA

      It's nice to hear you will be seeing your little girls this summer. I wish you the best. I hope you have a way to stay in touch with them as they grow up to let them know you are thinking of them. I have an adopted daughter so I found your story moving. :)

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 9 years ago

      Very moving, Everyday Miracles...and it's so wonderful that you will see your daughters soon. Hope it's a truly healing experience. :)

    • Shalini Kagal profile image

      Shalini Kagal 9 years ago from India

      One wonders why some things happen - there really are no answers.

      I do hope your dreams of meeting your mother come true - and may your meeting with your little girls be everything you hoped for.

      Here's to everyday miracles!

    • Everyday Miracles profile image
      Author

      Becki Rizzuti 9 years ago from Indiana, USA

      Yes Laila, it's true. I handle things better than most people would initially think. Emotional wounds can be healed, but I still think that it would be wonderful to meet the woman who gave birth to me! And I see my daughters some time this summer for the first time in three years!

    • Laila Rajaratnam profile image

      Laila Rajaratnam 9 years ago from India

      Everydaymiracles..such a poignant,touching story.Is it a true story?If so,I'm so so very sorry..I can only say that, hope one day all will be restored!

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