Grumpy Phil
“Phil!!! Phil!!!!” screamed a voice into the inner sanctum of a warm night’s dream.
“You have to get up!!! It’s time to go outside!”
“No.”, grumbled a sleepy voice. “I’m sleeping. Let me be. For Pete’s sake I’m over a hundred and twenty years old. Let me get some rest!?!?”
“One lousy day a year you work! One lousy day and here you are complaining about it!”, complained Phil’s twelfth wife, who was feeling a bit anxious. She had been hoping for the past several years to get a taste of the Groundhog punch they give Phil which it is said is responsible for his advanced age. She was getting a bit long in the tooth and not really interested in being referred to as “the good wife” to Phil’s next bride. She was beginning to feel there wasn’t anything special about wife eleven either, just Phil being the ass that he was by bringing up the ex’s. So maybe just maybe this year she could sneak a nip or two of that punch and keep her full time job of being Phil’s wife for at least another seven years? She felt she has put in the work of putting up with Phil and deserves a long life as well. But not if Mr. Lazybones didn’t get his ass out of the hole and up to the awaiting public. Did he want to get fired? How hard would it be to get another groundhog? Oh why couldn't SHE be the groundhog?
“Tell them to talk to Chuck” said Phil as he rolled over. “He’s the new hot shot.”
“No one gives a frig about Groundhog Chuck” said Mrs. Punxsutawney Phil. “They want to see you. You are what this day is all about.”
“No. It’s freaking cold out there. Didn’t you hear the wind howling last night? I swear another ice age is upon us. Screw the global warming. It’s global freezing. I’m not sure what planet those scientists are on anyway.”
“Phil, you cannot discredit global warming because it is cold out. It is a slight but ever increasing temperature rise on average over the course of the next few decades which will warm the planet and continue to melt the ice caps and make living on the planet increasingly unpleasant for the people of the earth. Eventually, the influx of fresh water will stop the Gulf Stream and its warming salty water conveyer belt and likely trigger another ice age but that is a long way off” stated wife eleven.
Phil opened an eye and sighed, “Well thank-you Mrs. Know It All. Shit. I can already hear them yammering away in German. Is this Germany? I think not.”
“Oh, stop yer bitching and fluff yourself up and scudattle out of our hole. Pretend to see your shadow and scurry on back down here if you must. At least that way you’ll predict more winter and be correct. There’s always six more weeks of winter, stupid humans.”
“Stupid humans!!!” laughed Phil. “Okay, okay. I’m up. They had better have cleared my hole. I’m not digging through a foot of snow to get outside to those yahoos. I’ll go out and prance about and then come running back down here. Don’t make the bed. If one of those top hat wearing freaks picks me up I swear I’m going to bite them this year.”
“Sure, sure” said Phil’s wife as she watched him scurry up the hole.
“AND BRING ME SOME OF THAT PUNCH!!!!"
