Holidazed
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Cuz, Like, Whatever, Know what I'm sayin'?
70By Ray Galindo
Cuz, Like, Whatever,Know What I'm Sayin'?
Like, I gotta write this paper for my English class
know what I’m saying, so I can’t use contractions, so I’ll say can not
instead of can’t, and
whatever. And like, you know, I like, really gotta like, pass this
class cuz like, if I don’t, know what I’m saying, then I’ll have to
take it again, cuz I can’t like have anything less than an A if I’m
like gonna like, become a
lawyer or a doctor, cuz I mean like, this is the last class I have to
take before I graduate and like, I don’t wanna have to spend another
semester takin’ this class again.
Know what I’m sayin’?
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Holidazed
Holidays
are good opportunities to rest, spend time with our families, and
celebrate the victories and milestones of our species. Many American
holidays usually have no relevance to the heritages of many of our
citizens, yet they feel obligated to participate. Now before I am
perceived as an ungrateful, atheistic, unpatriotic, cynical
party-pooper, let me say that I enjoy giving and receiving cards and
gifts on birthdays and gift-giving holidays, Thanksgiving dinners, New
Years Eve parties, fireworks, parades, and when I was a kid,
trick-or-treating and Easter baskets. My new year begins on my
birthday, which falls around Labor Day, and I am usually working on
that day. For some, the new year begins on April 15th.
Why is
Columbus Day an American holiday? He was an Italian who worked for
Spain, so it should be a holiday for Italy and Spain. They are the ones
who profited from his conquests. He didn’t discover anything anyway. He
only made it to Puerto Rico and there were already people there when he
arrived. How about a Viking Day? Here in Tampa Bay, we honor someone
who didn't even exist, a mythical Spanish crook named Jose Gaspar. Was
Ponce De Leon, who had actually set foot on our soil in search of
something that would benefit everyone, so mythical that we can't give
him a holiday? Botox recipients can celebrate that one!
Halloween is
the time of the year when the door separating the worlds of the living
and the dead is open. Instead, we are extorted by very live mischievous
children who haunt the doors of the living disguised as ghouls, ghosts,
devils, witches, drag queens, dominatrixes, and teen idols.
On
Memorial Day and Veterans Day, we honor those brave Americans who
fought and died to win and preserve our freedom. Those courageous
Native Americans, who fought, died, and lost while trying to keep and
preserve their ancestral lands get a month .After what they were forced
to endure, they deserve an entire year!
Many Americans are not
descendants of the Mayflower pilgrims, so Thanksgiving Day has nothing
to do with them either. By the way, how many alleged witches did they
hang? We give thanks one day a year and spend the other 363.25
complaining about something. Christmas and Easter are essentially a
combination of Jewish, Christian, and Pagan holidays, and many who
participate are at least one or none of the above. Valentine’s Day is a
nice holiday when one is in a relationship, so it is usually a very
lonely day for some. I can't help but wonder what St. Valentine's love
life was like! These are holidays that are celebrated by retailers.
Mother's
Day and Father's Day are wonderful holidays for those who did not grow
up in abusive or dysfunctional families. How about a special holiday
for orphans, abused, neglected, missing, and murdered children, unwed
mothers, divorced mothers and fathers who are denied their parental
rights, or parents who are sent to nursing homes and forgotten by their
ungrateful children?
As Americans, it is expected of us to observe
Independence Day. Many Americans are not descendants of the English
colonists. Should they celebrate their independence from the British
Empire? Personally, I happen to like English history, customs, accents,
women, music, literature, and humour. I also like the way they spell
humour, colour, and labour. Okay, so we are Americans, and it is
America's birthday, so I'll give in to that one.
Those who are not
of Irish extraction actually have no reason to to imbibe to the point
of obnoxiousness and self-destruction on St. Patrick's Day. Was St.
Patrick a lush? Besides, most people look terrible in green.
Oktoberfest is a German holiday that lasts sixteen days. The Japanese
were also America's enemies during World War II. Do we celebrate
Sushifest? Considering what Japanese-Americans had to endure in the
American internment camps; don't they deserve a holiday as well?
Anyway, they're getting their revenge by buying New York!
Why don't
we have a holiday for columnists, reporters, authors, editors,
musicians, actors, dancers, comedians, artists, teachers, students,
smokers, alcoholics, drug addicts, strippers, prison inmates, law
enforcement, restaurant workers, bartenders, chiropractors, poor and
homeless people, communists, atheists, and Buddhists? These groups
constitute a large part of the population, and they contribute to the
culture and economy of our country.
Secretaries get a holiday!
Puerto Ricans get one too, and they are always screaming for
independence! I think we should give it to them. African-Americans and
women each get an entire month, so African-American women get two in a
row!
George Washington and Abraham Lincoln lost their holidays when
their birthdays were combined, establishing Presidents Day. On this
day, we must also celebrate and honor our least favorite presidents
like Richard Nixon and George W. Bush.
What about our pets? How
about a Dog Day Afternoon? Gays have a Gay- Pride Day. How about a
Straight-Pride Day parade? This is worth celebrating. After all,
heterosexuals make more people, and you can't have a holiday or a
parade without people! Anyway, have a super holiday!
