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A Song for Mothers

Updated on March 16, 2013

(to the tune of “Hava Nagila”)

I am your mother.
You’ll never have another.
My eyes make you feel guilty.
Why don’t you ever call?

I carried you in my belly,
all the while, my feet were swelling,
you were born and started yelling.
No, you can’t go to the mall.

Brush your teeth.Your breath is stank.
Brush them again. They’re really rank.
Use lotion on those knobby knees.
Why are you so ashy?

Put Vaseline upon your lips.
Pull your pants above those hips.
If you keep on in those weeds,
you’ll get a nasty rash.

Wash your nasty hands and come to dinner ...

Always put the toilet seat down.
Don’t play with your food. You’re not a clown.
Don’t talk back. Well, answer me!
How did you lose another house key?
Go clean your room …
Oh, for heaven’s sake,
use … the … broom.

When … are … you going … to learn?

You’re not leaving dressed like that.
It’s cold outside, yes, wear a hat.
Eat those greens, they’re good for you.
What a nice … doggie? … that you drew.
Who were you with?
And why are you so late?

Do you know what time it is?

Do you have anything to say?
I wish you did because I’ve had a bad day.
Do you want your spanking now, or when your daddy comes home?

If I have to come in there,
there’s gonna be crying. No, life just isn’t fair.
If he hits you, hit him back
and give him a smack for me.

Whatever it is, the answer is no.
The answer is no because I said so.
I’m done with you, go run away—
we will rent out your room.

Make … me … a grilled cheese sandwich!

Get me something to hit you with—
a shoe, a switch, even a stick.
You think you’re grown, but you are wild.
Spare the rod and spoil the child.
Clean up your mess …
Why don’t you ever do your best?

Why doesn’t … someone … answer that phone?

I don’t know so don’t you ask me.
Leave me alone, go ask your daddy.
No games, no TV, no computer.
Say “excuse me” when you poot here.
You’re better than that …
What did you do to the cat?

Never … ever … do that again … or else.

I’m tired, I’m cranky, leave me alone.
Mama is glad you don’t have a clone.
There’ll be no texting at the table.
Wear clean draws whenever able.
That … is … e … nough!
You have entirely too much stuff.

Where is my grilled cheese?

Give me some sugar. Use a washcloth.
Do you know what your school clothes cost?
Get in the tub or take a shower.
I’ve smelled your funk for half an hour.
Turn out your light …
Say your prayers tonight …
Because Mama can’t wait

until you have children of your own.

Don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t talk in class.
Do your homework or you won’t pass.
You made your pot so you will stew.
Figure it out. What would Jesus do?
You’re not old enough …
to get a tattoo.

And never … ever … forget that Mama loves you.

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