Menu for a perfect Agenda 21-supportive Thanksgiving dinner

Thanksgiving Day is just around the corner for Americans, the day we celebrate our liberties and everything in life we have to be grateful for. For most of us this means gathering around a large meal with our family and friends. Of course, no Thanksgiving meal is complete without remembering in our prayers or positive vibes those less fortunate that us. And for many of us, donating food and clothing to these folks are also a part of the holiday.

To the politically correct-sensitive individual, however, all this reflecting and donating isn't always enough. For them, simply sitting down to a big meal of bird meat, rich side dishes and fatty, delicious dessert is a nutritional wrong to begin with; but to top it off, showing charity to the less fortunate without actually eating as they do is a callous act of insensitivity.

Thanks to the wisdom of the architects of Agenda 21, none of us have to celebrate yet another Thanksgiving practicing culinary decadence. By following their astute guidelines on dietary standards we can now enjoy the holiday with a menu that is at once calorie, fat and vegan conscious, and also sensitive to our Turkey and dessert-deprived neighbors.

The following menu is designed specifically for those wanting to follow the Agenda 21 example*, and one sure to help you come away from the holiday meal feeling full of it.

Salad

Bowlfuls of raw vegetables are a major part of any vegan diet, so don't let any nitpicky guest's expectation for tastiness get in the way of the high-fiber wholesomeness. Before serving just let your guests and family know there is NO DRESSING in your household to be found. Most guests will leave it at this and eat those veggies in polite silence. However, if you feel the need to curtail the urge of anyone to run out and buy a bottle of Hidden Valley while you're not looking, you can usually rummage through the coats piled on the bed to confiscate car keys before serving.

Insects

Mm, mm, talk about nature's bounty! Not only are insects readily obtainable from any compost heap or outdoor garbage can, they are 100% approved for human consumption by the United Nations. Edible in their own juices, if you feel that your food just has to be heated, insects can be warmed up in a variety of ways: boiled, baked, roasted, toasted, pan-fried, deep-fried or simply flame torched.

Cornbread alternative

You don't need steaming hot, yummy cornbread to celebrate Thanksgiving. Plain salt-free tortilla chips served without dips or condiments are a good source of fiber and GMO trace elements. And by substituting them for cornbread, it sends out a message you don't put in your mouth anything enjoyed by white southerners.

Yeast bread alternative

The most popular holiday breads require ingredients like flour and sugar, and who needs these things in their diet? By eating delicious yeast flakes you not only avoid the inevitable pounds, you will be a host to countless live yeast bacteria that otherwise wouldn't have a place to reproduce.

Monsanto's GMO-enriched corn

Nothing says nature's goodness like maize; and nothing makes you feel less like blowing your diet than maize with artificially engineered carcinogenics tearing like wildfire through your blood stream. Nom, nom, eat up!

Potatoes

One of the most traditional side dishes to the American Thanksgiving dinner, the potato doesn't necessarily have to be served to guests with useless extra fat, butter, salt or flavoring. For that matter, traditional cleaning and cooking of the potato destroys any contaminants that soil and traces of animal feces leave on the potato skin. To keep these precious contaminants intact and experience the potato's natural, uncorrupted flavor and texture, just slice and serve. Or better yet, just grab and bite. Nature will thank you, and so will the dentist that gets to replace your bridgework.

"Traditional" Tofurkey

This alternative to turkey is made from tofu, which is created from curdled soy beans. Tofurkey is not only animal-friendly, but like all bean-based products, produces a lot of methane gas in the intestines. And methane gas, although usually credited by environmentalists as detrimental to the earth, can provide hours of fun for the entire family!

It is said that when the Hippies arrived to Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by a thousand singing unicorns bearing enough turkey-disguised tofu loafs to last them through the winter. Of course, the Hippies failed to take the unicorns' warning to get rid of their stash, so when a plague of munchies set in 8 days later the Hippies had to resort to cannibalism. But those that survived that hungry winter remembered to commemorate the unicorns' generosity every year by sacrificing the fattest Tofurkey they could find and washing it down with pitchers and pitchers of weed tea.

No fuss, no fat, no meat gravy

Made from low-fat and flavorful faux Bouillion cubes. Not only does this gravy go a long way at any family table, it is brimming with plenty of laboratory created chemicals guaranteed to shorten the life span of most human consumers, thus helping bring our undesirable species ever closer to extinction!

Rice cakes

Looking to bring out an attractive dessert that will have your guests drooling? Well then, you'll probably have to bake something with milk, sugar and eggs in it. But if you want to serve a tasteless dessert that will provide a good bowel movement to your every guest, then there is nothing better than the noble, bland rice cake. And crumbled, rice cakes can doubly serve as a stuffing substitute to complement your no fat, no fuss, no meat gravy!

Pumpkin guts

While pumpkin pie has become staple Thanksgiving dessert in a lot of homes, making the pies involve having to use the pumpkin meat. Likewise, the pies are generally prepared with sugar, flour, milk and eggs. Now some people like having to an excuse to eat any kind of meat, just as they like sugar and they like stealing the milk from mommy cows and the eggs of expectant mother chickens. Now if you are one of these deviants, have your pumpkin pie. Otherwise, indulge your love of pumpkin the way nature intended, slimy a-la naturale. Pumpkin shells can also be eaten, and are recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists for breaking dentures!

to wash down your Thanksgiving meal with a delicious glass of artificially sweetened Kool-Aid*. One glass of this satisfying beverage, and just like the late Reverend Jim Jones, you'll be saying OH, YEAH!

*Content is satire and not intended to be taken seriously.

©November 4, 2013 by Beth Perry