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New Years Un-resolutions

Updated on January 3, 2012

What Aren't You Doing This Year?

When the calendar page turns to the first day of the new year, people all over the world make lists of ways to improve themselves over the next twelve months. I for one am sick of the pressure and done with it all! No more resolutions for me. From here on out, the only lists I'm making are ones of things I know for sure I will accomplish. Here are some of my un-resolutions for 2012.

  1. Spend less time with family. Not all of them, just the ones that frequently call whenever they need something, like money, a babysitter, or a ride somewhere, and ignore me the rest of the time. And also spend less time with the ones who update their Facebook status every couple of hours with some new drama that, while unrelated to them or their life, gives them a severe case of angst.
  2. Cancel my gym membership. And with the money I save, I will buy more Hostess Twinkies, Pringles potato chips, and Mountain Dew Amp.
  3. Take the yoga videos out of my Netflix Instant Queue. Because 500 spaces only hold so many bad Indie films, and nobody in their right mind can contort their body into those positions without dislocating something.
  4. Drink more. I'm not talking raging alcoholism here, but I'm definitely interested in beefing up my knowledge of local wines and wouldn't mind attending a tasting or two. Or six.
  5. Spend more money. What the heck, I can't take it with me so I might as well enjoy it while it's here. Besides, everyone knows that rich people never hit the lottery. Every penny I put into the bank, lowers my chance to hit it big with the winning Powerball number.
  6. Watch more reality television. I am completely serious when I say that these people often make me feel better about my lives. Just yesterday I was watching an episode of Hoarders. The homeowner's living room looked like a landfill, with no clean place to sit on any piece of furniture. It made me feel good that the only things on my sofa, aside from a bit of golden retriever fur, are a collection of throw pillows.
  7. Stay disorganized. Yes, my personal belongings are strewn from one end of my house to the other in complete disarray, but I know exactly where to find the roll of film from my 2003 vacation (second drawer from the left in the kitchen), a coupon to a local restaurant that expired two years ago (craft center, top shelf, under the cup of ink pens that don't write), and the tacky wedding frame my husband's stepmother mailed us (up in the attic, tucked into a box marked "YARD SALE").
  8. Wear baggier clothes. I don't care if they do make me look like a slob. If they're baggy, then I will feel smaller, and that's what really counts.
  9. Rely on my cellphone for everything. There is too much information out there for me to be expected to know it all off the top of my head anyway.
  10. Do not vote in the presidential election. My husband always votes against me. Therefore, our votes cancel each other out. If we skip voting then we can sleep in, have breakfast in bed while watching more reality television in our baggy clothes. I can't wait!

So what are the things you aren't going to do this year? I'd love to hear all about it in the comments. Thanks for reading!

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  • penelopae profile image
    Author

    Becky Muth 6 years ago from Harpers Ferry, WV

    Thanks jdpowerman! I'm off to a great start so far. Happy New Year to you and yours! :)

  • jdpowerman profile image

    jdpowerman 6 years ago

    Hilarious! You definitely have the right attitude. Kudos to your non-will power. Let's hope you can continue in your path to non-enlightenment!

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