Pub Crawl: St. Patrick's Day in Fells Point

Fells Point Baltimore is an historic district in the city. Movies and TV shows are typically filmed here (when the local government doesn’t tax them to death), and it’s a major tourist attraction. For alcoholics they have 40 bars to choose from, most of which are on the main “stretch”. On Saint Patrick’s Day 2014 I attempted a random pub crawl starting from Todd Conner’s Pub, on the corner of Broadway and Aliceanna Street, down to Thames Street (heading in a “U” shape), and back up Broadway.

I made it as far as some bar that had three stories to it. I think it was one of those situations where my eyes were bigger than my liver and I figured it was time to call it a night. Speaking of which if you are going to attempt any of what you’re about to read please drink responsibly. I wouldn’t recommend trying to drink at 40 bars in one night, but do what you want, sit back, and read the tale of an idiot who attempted the impossible.

Everything you are about to read is dictated from (sometimes hard to read) handwriting taken on Saint Patrick's Day 2015. At times my current condition will jump in with bold text pointing out my after thoughts on whatever I wrote. For the sake of writing integrity (what little there is considering the subject matter) none of what you are about to read is fabricated or re-edited.

Daytime pictures taken in December with a Pentax K-x, everything else taken with an iPod Touch 5.

It’s St. Patrick’s Day and I have begun the pub crawl. First stop and first beer at Todd Conner’s. A sweet little pub playing decent tunes. Toronto and the Yankees are playing on the TV in front of me. Very sober at the moment, trying to put on a smile, and drinking a Yuengling.

Two doors down, after walking around a group of drunks that took over the sidewalk, I slipped into The Rockwell. I am currently nursing a Guinness. I like both Yuengling AND Guinness, but Jesus you can really taste the difference. Instead of just a couple TVs playing sports they have whole walls of projector screens playing dozens of different things; Benny Hill, Woody Woodpecker, and some old silent movie of a French dude jumping off the Eiffel Tower. I’m not drunk yet! I’m actually seeing these things! You have to experience this place in person to get an idea of what I mean, oh and the bartenders are hella cute too.

Right next door I popped into the Blarney Stone Pub. Of course I had to make a pitstop, so I skipped ahead to the Green Turtle first. Last year I was told to just skip it. I understand why, it’s a franchise bar, screw that, go back to Hunt Valley or something. The Blarney Stone Pub is as about as Irish a bar as it can get, Drinking a Coors Light this time helps to pace. Anyway one more thing, before I continue. As I was coming out of the Green Turtle a beautiful (I’m not using that word in the standard sense) blonde in short shorts smiled at me longingly as I left. I’m still sober at this time but can’t recall if she was a Green Turtle hostess or not. Maybe not? I don’t know she was wearing all white. I suppose I can only hope that I run into her again before the night’s over. Ok so I inadvertently bought a flower, for $3, off some Eastern European (maybe Latino) guy.

Next up; Little Phil’s Tavern for a Yuengling. I suppose I missed the taste of it. The bartenders here are friendly. The one got a phone call while I was here about some guy who bought $15 worth of jello shots and wanted to return them. What kind of bull shit is that? I would have had half of them drunk (eaten?) by now. So of course I decided to buy one, you know to do an unofficial product review. I didn’t see a problem from it. I promised Brad, the one bartender I’d do a product review… Well… it tasted like grape jello and vodka. Nicely made for $1. I still have that flower with me. Once I’m done this beer I’ll look for that angel girl; I’m wondering what if she WAS an angel? I was the only one that saw her, except I wasn’t drunk at the time so I don’t know. On the other hand I might end up giving it to someone else. I’m making the mistake of trying to rush my beer drinking. I need to slow it down. It's almost 9PM. I have time, but I have like 36 more bars to go. This is a bit ambitious…

Next up Bertha’s. I got a lot of memories of this place… Well one anyway. A couple years ago myself and this guy I use to work with, Blake Langford, came in here with a couple of his friends. They picked up a couple girls around the corner; Brea and Arena? Ok don’t remember the second girl’s name but it was here that I told her she reminded me of Eva Mendes. She did, and seemed flattered by that. They were sweet girls and cool guys. I got myself kicked out of Power Plant Live later that night near closing time. I can’t remember why, but my ankle hurt like hell, and I have since apologized to them for any trouble I may have caused (and no, a lawyer did not make me do it, I was being sincere). Except I never apologized to you Blake for accidentally making a pen mark on your mom’s dashboard. I’m sorry I tried to draw a Pacman on your mom’s dashboard and that I called her hot (she really is though). As an added note there is a drunk Russian lesbian flashing her breasts. That’s just enough to keep me from being too sentimental. Oh and the most important ingredient to this piece; I’m drinking a can of Yuengling and feel great!

Sober note:

As I’m dictating this (in a more sober frame of mind) I remember him a little better. I’m sorry I made an ass of myself, but not sorry for anything else from that night. The man was a douche who wouldn’t pay for a round of Irish car bombs. I ended up paying for them and drank HIS. THAT I’m not sorry for.

Had a few adventures on the way to The Tavern, below, the Admiral Inn. A homeless man wanted some food, the juke box at a pizza place on the corner almost ate my dollar when I chose a Led Zepplin song (Since I've Been Loving You), I mistook a pastry shop for a bar, and I almost bought a beer from a restaurant that was closing! That last thing is a sacrilege! Anyway I made it down stairs and I’m at the bar. That was an adventure in itself, I love going up and down stairs drunk, I feel like a mountain climber. Drinking a Yuengling and finally got some green beeds. Wanted to get those at the St. Patrick’s Day parade. Not bad for a dollar, the beeds I mean. Also after some amateur photography (with a Samsung phone) I earned a Fireball shot. A Fireball is kind of like a liquid slice of Big Red gum. I still have that flower with me.

I’ve survived long enough to make it to The Horse You Rode In/Out On. If you have a pain in your right side it’s from making conversation about a cracked iPod screen. (I bumped into something but I had no pain the next morning, this note was not in my handwriting…) It’s changed a lot since the last time I came in here. They have FOUR bars now. I’m sitting at bar #1 as I write this. I bought two Yuenglings. God help me! Technically this neglects two of the bars right? I got rid of that yellow rose. I gave it to girl named Jasmine. I slightly snapped it after going into, then leaving,some ultra-hipster place next door. I really didn’t want to drink in there, nor remember it’s name.

I’m at bar #3, I bought two more Yuenglings to neglect bar #4. It’s at bar #2 I met up with that Blake guy I told you about earlier as we waited for his friends to get there. At the time I did the best I could to dance to 80s hits as we talked to this Bradley Cooper looking guy about how hot Blake’s mom was. He was a cool guy, would have rather hung out with him than Blake in retrospect. I hope that when I’m 40 I have the energy to pull off that Kenny Loggins shit he was doing. The two hot bartenders had shots of Deep Eddy’s Lemon. A liquor shot that costs $7.50! Wtf? Someone’s pulling a fast one, but I don’t care I liked it lol. For $7.50 they gave me a pretty large shot. (I might have got a double.)

After a short tangent (see first video) I went to bar #4 for a Coors Light (apparently forgetting that was the point of the second pair of Yuenglings earlier). I always liked this particular bar in the place because it’s closer to the live music, on St. Patrick’s Day it’s crowded as hell. So I got a bottle, I wouldn’t dare go for a draft in this kind of traffic. It’s a spill waiting to happen, not even that f**ker from Assassin’s Creed could slip through here.

I went into the local 7/11 to get a slice of pizza and a cup of coffee. The pizza wasn’t even the slice I asked for and it tasted like cardboard. I got my money refunded. The coffee’s still good though. Got French Vanilla. I slipped into a pub called Leadbetter’s. Live music from Ken. These songs are awesome. I’m a little drunk by this point (yeah no kidding). Like last year I never really bought a drink from here but I will get a Bailey’s with my coffee. Ken’s singing If I Ever Leave This World Alive by The Flogging Mollys. You might think I’m cheating a little bit but Bailey’s is still an alcoholic beverage, the coffee will get me through a little longer.

12:18 AM, NOT St. Patrick’s Day anymore. I’m in The Admiral, nursing a Yingling, and the in-house band is playing the What Is Hip? I remember that song from the Drew Carey show. When I was a kid I mean. That show was cool, but it wasn’t until I was older that I realized they really stretched it toward the end. Not crazy about the one season where they started running out of ideas and did variety episodes. What the f**k man? Then they're all like "oh Drew was in a coma, that will explain it." Much like I am with this pub-crawl, I'm stretching it. I’m officially drunker this year than I was last year. This will be my last beer of the night. F**k it. I’m going home.

This year (what you just read) I only made it to the waterfront, but in my defense they had opened up a couple extra places since then. If you have been keeping score I drank: nine Yuenglings, one Guinness, two Coors Lites, one vodka jello shot, one Fireball shot, one (possibly double) shot of Deep Eddy’s Lemon, and one Irish Coffee. 12 beers plus a couple other things. If I learned anything from this year’s pub crawl it’s that extra bars don’t count. I probably would have made it to my point last year if it wasn’t for my desire to drink a beer at every single bar within one place. Which is what I would have done if I had made it to that triple decker place... Did I ever mention I can be a hypocrite when it comes to drinking?