Rednecks Day - Redneck Tale # 69

The other day there was an article here on HubPages that explored the way writers could get more recognition and increase the amount of readership and commentary generated by their articles.

Well, I am not an expert at such things but I was funning around the other day and popped a short, very fictitious article onto the pages of a newspaper Web site. The news site was dedicated to readers in a small, largely rural-area town in Texas.

The article described a new holiday, one that I had just invented for that posting. With some little changes of wording (so as not to get HubPages upset with me for plagiarizing my own stuff), here is that article.

"Rednecks Day Holiday
Apr 17, 20XX 6:05 pm

Howdy -

A holiday worth celebrating is "Rednecks Day."It comes along each year on the day after "Income Tax Returns-due Day," . That day hit on April 17^th this year, but it varies with whatever day is celebrated by the IRS. "Rednecks Day," is thus to be on the 18th of April this year.

Here's how you should celebrate the holiday:

Because I am a Redneck, I typically spend most of the holiday in the sack, if you get what I mean. Some folks have recently become Rednecks and have lots of stuff yet to learn, so they spend the holiday still hard at work or maybe thinking about work or something equally stupid. Fortunately for them, the real Rednecks don't witness any of that, so they don't throw things at the newbies, or shoot them to calm them down. The old-timers are busy, all right, but they are busy at sleeping like good Rednecks were taught to do - if you get what I mean...

However, everyone can (and should) celebrate the holiday. The least expensive way to celebrate is to smile constantly the whole day long. That causes everyone in your vicinity to wonder what you are up to. After folks scratch their heads about that for a while, they also smile like they understand what is going on – what you are up to, so to speak.. Even any pets or farm animals that are hanging around, will begin to grin (or do whatever passes for grinning)

Yes. "Rednecks Day" is most likely the most fun-filled holiday of them all. The tedious income tax nonsense is all done with. You don't have to buy gifts for anyone. There are no football games on your TV on which you can waste time. Forget those stuffy parties and watery drinks of fruit punch. The springtime is here and all of the really cold weather is gone. Spring Break is done with, and the kids (yours or the neighbors') are off the streets and back in class again. The well-mannered and properly trained Rednecks are all mostly still in bed and out of your way, and you are free to smile and carry on..”

No one responded with a comment, and that disappointed me to a degree. Then I looked at the page views for the article. I was surprised. There were 85 page views, and that from a really small community.

Being surprised is one thing, but understanding what needed doing about so relatively large a response is something else again. As we Rednecks are prone to say ( ! ), “It's feeding time for the stock out there in the barn.” That is, I figured that I should provide my own response for my little new holiday spoof.

Here it is:

“Re: Rednecks Day Holiday
Apr 19, 20XX 11:03am

This year's Rednecks Day sure enough was likely the greatest holiday possible...

Before I sacked out in celebration I said 'so-long' to my two buddies, Jim Beam and Jack Daniel, both of whom had traveled here all the way from up in the backwoods mountains near Yankee territory. They needed to get back to work on the 19^th.

After they left,I slept on through the next 24 hours or so. Woke up today and downed a great big breakfast of brisket with a side dish of jalapeno-egg omelet. Washed everything down with a vitamin-B enriched breakfast brew from Shiner's homestyle brewery the other side of Halletsville.

Well, when my eyes got re-accustomed to daylight again, I was able to see that my hounddog had experienced a spell of impatience while I slept. Then the neighbors from down the road a piece or so came by and fussed at me that the mutt had been barking the whole night through. I made a note of it that I'd better turn that loudmouth hound outdoors before I do my Rednecks Day celebrating next year.

As usual, this was a fun holiday! I hope that Jim and Jack made it back to their hollers without any problems. Next year we plan on having “Red” Smirnoff join us for Rednecks Day. Should be a real blast, that one."

Visit this little town's active Internet newspaper and send them something to publish. The folks there will appreciate hearing from you, and, of course, practice makes perfect – and that's what we all want to become – perfect.