Santa, Help Is On The Way
"Hi! My name is Tiffany Tibbedeaux. I am your host for this installment about Santa, written by my boss, Kenneth Avery, who is a pretty-good judge of character. He found me working in Baton Rouge in a 24-hour convenience store. He asked if I wanted to host one of his stories for instant recognition, whatever that is, and I said 'yes.' So just relax. Put your feet up and enjoy this story about Santa Claus." Thank you so much. (Tiffany).
This Segment Is All About Santa
the one. The only. Santa Clause. The Jolly Ol' Elf. The man. The King of The North Pole. St. Nick. You got it, friend. Santa Clause. Friend to all. Man and beast. Never-tiring, Santa has made a yearly-trip from the North Pole to believers, non-believers, and others among us who would love nothing better than to see our buddy, Santa, be marked off the list of "People and Things We Believe In," if they had their way. By the way. I am NOT now, or ever will be a supporter or member of such group--be it of an ultra-strict religious doctrine taught by a man who is 65 pounds overweight by over-indulging, willfully, or a left-wing group that has little enough common sense to say that Santa is detrimental to our youth.
While I'm at it, just let me sincerely say to the ACLU, (American Civil Liberties Union), that I am going to use the word 'Christmas,' in this story. You cannot say that you were not warned. And oh yeah, I did commit a no-no, according to you. I even prayed. Openly. Before I wrote this story. So if you would like to meet me on my own property and discuss my transgressions, feel free. But you must be tired from all of our various ways that you started to help keep my country strong. Doing away with manger scenes at public buildings. Oh yeah. That one was pure genius. Never know when an angry "Christ child," will break out a dangerous sentence like, "Love thy neighbor as thyself," and bring the United States to pure chaos. Or how you bravely helped to get the 10 Commandments and prayer removed from the same government buildings. All except the United States Congress who opens their sessions, are you listening, ACLU? With prayer! Gasp! Wheeze! What is our country coming to? Legislators actually praying for wisdom from GOD, oops, I got carried away. I typed God. What was that about my First Amendment Rights? Yeah. I am protected. And in my own home. The pubic highway that runs adjacent to my home is as far as you can go, ACLU. If you want to talk to me, use a bull horn.
Now back to our good friend, Santa
Years ago, when Phil Donahue had his own show, I actually heard a 'religious' self-proclaimed minister, who looked like one of Billy Carter, Jimmy's beer-guzzling brother's buddies, use this statement. On the air. "Oh, uh, now Phil. I am afraid that by telling our children about this Santa Clause, that will, uh, give them traumatic episodes in their growth," and went on to slobber and slander out his 'research,' on the subject of Santa. And this was circa 1977. Compare the "dangers" that telling children then, about Santa, to the real life (or death) news stories we see every night on CNN about children taking handguns to school. Or being arrested for trafficking cocaine. Personally, Santa never killed anyone. In his life. Nor used his sleigh for running drugs from Columbia. Santa is still with us. I don't know what happened to the 'preacher,' who wanted to, by himself, rid the world of the dangerous icon, Santa.
But we need not worry. The good ol' ACLU is just waiting
for their chance to sink their legal fangs into the concept of Santa Clause. I am serious. If they can help to endorse abortion-on-demand and telling my grand kids that they cannot pray to God in the classroom, but others of other faiths can, then don't blink and eyelash. The day is nearing when the ACLU's so-called leaders will stand in unison and sound the alarm, "Get that Santa. Now!" And once again, another harmless icon of our lives will be under fire. Oh by the way, I want to be honest with you ACLU. I have taught my grand kids that they CAN pray inside their minds. All the want. IN the classroom. And there isn't 'diddly' you can do about that. Unless you convice our shell of a federal government that human brains are dangerous too. Good luck with that.
Just in-case the ACLU or some other faction wants to attack Santa
I have the perfect back-up plan. Instead of doing-away completely with Santa, which we all as free Americans, can post Santa on HubPages, Facebook, Twitter, blogs, and on our own property, I have also found some safe and feasible 'Santa Alternatives,' that might appease the ACLU and its followers who do so much for our country. I mean it. I just can say enough abou the ACLU. On second thought. Yes, I can.
Here are some of my very-own substitutes that will not replace Santa, but can be used as experimental signs that can say Merry Christmas, as good as Santa, and our buddies at the ACLU will not be so 'lawsuit-happy."
CASPER, THE FRIENDLY GHOST
who wouldn't love this cute little character. Or spirit. Who brings so many smiles to children on a world-wide basis? He can say, "Merry Christmas," really cute. And mean it. Santa, I think, while he's getting some needed-rest, would approve of Casper as his fill-in, but not a replacement. Honestly, I do not think the ACLU stands a chance in removing Santa from our lives. At all.
"Yaaay, Santa!" says this group of hard-working girls with squeaky-clean characters. These super-neat cheerleaders could create a Christmas cheer and end it with a tumbling routine while male cheerleaders, dressed as St. Nick and elves, join them for a crowd-pleasing, "Merry Christmas, gang," and be thanked with a standing ovation. Why didn't I think of this earlier.
are American comedy icons. Emmet Kelly. Bozo. Only two legends in the clown industry. And who would get cross with a clown who hands them a present and does a somerset and yells, "Merry Christmas, folks," and toots Jingle Bells out on his red horn? No one. That's who. A neat, nice clown who gives NON-BOOBY TRAPPED gifts will be an over night hit. Maybe an annual hit. And clowns, like Santa, can make us all laugh to forget our problems. If this idea fails, we can get MS Foundation Chairman, Jerry Lewis, to talk the members of Congress and Senate into performing a yearly role as their own district's version of Santa, but only with them dressed in their usual garb--suits, ties, vetoes.
are a highly-intelligent species of bird. They are attractive. Playful. And American. Some have said that crows, like mynah, birds, can be taught to speak. Hey, slip a Santa hat on this dude in the photo, give him a professional handler and they can do from door-to-door handing out presents to good boys and girls while the crow, who will be named, 'Cedar, the Christmas Crow," will 'caw' out, "Merry Christ--mas, boys and girls!" What a thrill at Christmas to be greeted by a crow filling in for Santa.
are fun to watch. Mimes are sensitive performers as well. Now if I am going to help my friend, Santa, to take a one-year sabbatical while the ACLU meets it match in court, then I suggest the humble, peaceful and always-adored, dancing mimes to dance out the words, "Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year," while dressed in red and white costumes. This might go over big in places like Washington, D.C., New York, and other holiday towns. I can see it now. My pal, President Obama, having the first-ever "Dancing Christmas Mimes," to appear at a White House luncheon for the press to meet. And dignitaries from all over the world will be at this huge event. CBS News will love it. And you will too.
THE PANDA BEAR
now come on. What red-blooded American, or anyone from any nationality, for that matter cannot love a panda bear? They are soft, easy-to-feed and they do not cause trouble in the jungle or zoo's where they live like kings--eating sweet bamboo all day long and sleeping. (Sounds like the life for me!) And although the panda cannot speak "Merry Christmas," they can have it on a sign around their necks. How cute. And I truly believe that Americans will accept pandas, maybe more of my 'Santa substitutes,' while he is taking off for a year's vacation.
But alas. Reality is a true teacher. Who in the world am I kidding?
There is not now, or ever will be a substitute for Santa Clause. Just not possible. Not in this life. Or the next.
But at least the ACLU cannot accuse me of not trying my best to help them in their Anti-Santa campaign, that will be doomed from the beginning.
It it ever gets off the ground.