Wishing That I Could Be Santa For a Day
Let’s Introduce This
piece and go, head-long, with four feet into the New Year and talk about a personal dilemma that I have been struggling with for a few days. It’s been tough. Sometimes a dilemma can be solved in a matter of minutes. Some cannot. This is the latter.
And even while I present this hub, I cannot escape the obvious inclination to back-off of my subject because there might be a handful who might snap at me for my comments, but onward and upward and let’s throw caution to the wind. I’m all in and not looking back.
First of all, let me take this opportunity to wish you and yours a very happy New Year with all of the good trappings that are just waiting for you to enjoy. May God bless you with plenty of good health, riches, and time to laugh. Now with my amateur philosophy credentials tucked safely inside my pocket, let us talk about that world-wide celebrity; the hero of children and humble-hearted adults; that annual visitor who needs no introduction . . .say hello to Santa Clause.
What Really is Known About
Santa Clause? As gossip and rumors go, you’d be surprised. There are some and while I admit the silly notion, DC Comics does NOT own the rights to Santa Clause—but they do own the rights to Superman who is also a world-wide icon, but he is no Santa, but I am sure that Clark Kent would jump into the fray if there be any thug or gang would would be stupid enough to mess with Santa.
I could say the same thing about the late Stan Lee, who helped to found MARVEL Comics. Even he had to back off when it came to fighting the folklore of Santa. Lee I think learned early on that although Santa’s true identity will never be known, so why pursue any pursuits to take him to the public. Don’t you know that Spider-Man, The Hulk, The Thor, Capt. America, the Fantastic Four can only squirm as Santa and his eight tiny reindeer make Santa’s yearly trip to deliver gifts to mankind-- causing Lee’s creations to hand their heads as they might as well be spectators.
Nuff’ said about the comic book industry. Time for a dose of real life.
The Origin of Santa Clause
is frequently depicting him listening to children's Christmas wishes. Santa Claus, also known as Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, or simply Santa, is a legendary figure originating in Western Christian culture who is said to bring gifts to the homes of well-behaved ("good" or "nice") children on Christmas Eve (24 December) and the early morning hours of Christmas Day (25 December). The modern Santa Claus grew out of traditions surrounding the historical Saint Nicholas (a fourth-century Greek bishop and gift-giver of Myra), the British figure of Father Christmas and the Dutch figure of Sinterklaas (himself also based on Saint Nicholas). Some maintain Santa Claus also absorbed elements of the Germanic god Wodan, who was associated with the pagan mid-winter event of Yule and led the Wild Hunt, a ghostly procession through the sky.
Now. With the much-stuffy history lesson out of the way . . .can we really point to ourselves in the 50 states chipping away with those conservative attributes about Santa and replacing them with more rolls in his belly and painting more red in his chubby little cheeks? I am as guilty as anyone. And I am a Santa Clause freak. No. I was never taken by my parents to any big city where a Sears or JC Penney was located so I could sit on Santa’s lap. My parents, I have to say, were NOT Communists. Nor were they sleeper agents from North Korea—now looking back, my dad was the soundest sleeper anywhere and now I think that our financial background had a lot of their not letting me meet Santa. No problem, dad and mom in Heaven.
I won’t beleagure this bit of information about Santa: there was (a) Mrs. Clause because I have watched every cartoon (and realistic) drama that has been put on TV and each time that (a) Santa special is shown, there she stands and knowing my cynical nature, she looks too much like a female counterpart to be anyone else.
My Santa Dilemma: About a Name
would be a fine start to this or any story or hub that has anything to do with a true international treasure and yes, I am speaking about our hero, Santa Clause. Actually, this guy should cut me a hefty check and drop it down my kitchen door on Christmas Eve because I do not have a fireplace—and when I took my check to my bank, I would frame the cashed check to show in my home as a perfect conversation piece.
And I suppose that you are curious about my Personal Santa Dilemma, so here goes. For many years, I have dreamed of being Santa Clause for at least one trip around the world. I know, so do not start getting angry with me because I know that there is only one Santa, so if this were going to be a reality, I would only do it if the real Santa would teach me the in’s and out’s of the Santa Trade and I mean “all” things about Santa—even a new name for yours truly.
Read the following New Name Suggestions and see which one that suits me:
- Barry Clause – too down-home and might be offensive to the fans of Larry, The Cable Guy.
- Donald Clause – a lightning rod of controversy because it is in direct competition with President Trump.
- Jeffrey Clause – not romantic enough. Sounds too much like a guy who works in an auto parts store.
- Darrel Clause – this name would fit in NASCAR and I would be expected to drive “The Santa Special.” Nope. I ain’t lending my Santa name for anyone.
- Ricky (or Rick) Clause – what? Am I going to play a few innings against the Atlanta Braves?
- Dennis Clause – a career in Vince McMahon’s WWE Company. This one is really very asinine.
- Sal “Slick” Cause – this one might work for me. It has a built-in funny one-liner ready to use.
for my New Santa Wardrobe:
Red pants and coat, but a purple shirt and ascot. I would use those aviator sunglasses worn by Tom Cruise in Top Gun. RayBan’s might do the trick, but I am not trying to be a second coming of John Belushi.
My shoes will be specially-designed cowboy boots made with rattlesnake hide and they are so comfortable that I would be tempted to take them home with my one-time trip around the world to deliver good kids and people a special gift is over.
My New Santa Sleigh would NOT be powered by the proverbial eight tiny reindeer. I do not want the ASPCA to get on my back about cruelty to animals. I would meet with the engineers at NASA, those wonderful people who designed the Saturn V Booster, so that should be more than enough power to send me from the North Pole all around the world.
Finally . . .each time that I slide down the chimney to stock up the stockings that will be hung with care, my catch-phrase will be “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” I am not doing away with Santa’s “Ho! Ho! Ho.” I am just upgrading myself if only for one night. Might as well live it up, huh?
- My New Santa Job will have me sending all of Santa’s hard-working elves back home to have some needed-rest. I think that they have deserved it. So I will get in touch with every Temp Office that I can find and hire every available man and woman who wants a good-paying job even if it is from July through December 24.
- My Wife is Not going to play the part of Mrs. Clause, so I am going to call in a lady down in Montgomery, Ala., who loves (and trains) Opossums, so my side-kick will be named, “Peter Possum,” and he can guard the sleigh while I am down the fireplace working to deliver the world of Christmas gifts.
- The ONLY challenge that I will be facing to pull-off my New Santa Gig will be having to gain as much weight as possible. Right now, my heart specialist says me to NOT gain one more pound, but he doesn’t know about the relationship between Santa and me.
Okay! I am to my limit where patience is concerned. From the first of this hub until now, do not tell me that this question has not entered your mind: Why does Kenneth even want to tackle the idea of being Santa for 24 hours?
Okay, again! I will be as honest with you as a down-home, southern-born and bred guy can be. So here is the answers that you have been itching for me to answer:
Popularity – let’s be really honest. Santa Clause IS the second most-popular being on earth. There is one other person who is first, but He is great friends with Santa. Jesus is Number One when it comes to popularity.
Generosity – okay. Santa does give out gifts all across the world, but Jesus made the universe and that, my friend, is one gigantic gesture of giving us all a beautiful place to live.
Sense of Humor – Santa is always the Jolly Ole Elf, and I would guess that if Jesus were asked, He could tell some really funny and clean stories, but He is more concerned about the sick and helping people in trouble.
And that about covers why “I” want to be a 24-Hour Santa For a Day.
Might as well packing the weight on if I am going to be the New Santa for Dec. 2020. So bring on the dough-nuts, apple pies and those Little Debbie oatmeal cakes . . .Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
To learn more about St. Nick, try these links:
December 18, 2018__________________________________________________
"Everyone have The Best New Year and Christmas 2019 and do not be surprised if I do not visit you on the night of Dec. 24."
© 2019 Kenneth Avery