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Women In My Family HATED Mothers Day!
My grandmother was born during the first part of May. Rather than celebrate her birthday on the day, it was combined with - you guessed it - Mother's Day. Great for her, bad for the rest of the women in the family after they too became mothers. Well, all but the daughter Grandma lived with whom I'll call Auntie. Her children would be there anyway.
Attending this annual gathering was mandatory if one wished to avoid familial purgatory for the next 364 days.
Only the daughter who lived in California was excused, which naturally made her a source of great envy. While the rest of us were forcing ourselves to make nice nice at Auntie's, she was having the Mother's Day we could only dream about. Brunch with her husband and sons at a nice restaurant, then whatever she wanted to do for the rest of the day.
She'd always call Grandma just as we were tucking into lukewarm fried chicken and baked beans on TV trays, to say she wished she could be there. Sure she did - same as she wished she could be having a root canal...
The day's schedule was practically carved in stone.
Arrive as close to 11 a.m. as possible. Add your gift to the pile on the table next to the birthday cake.
If Grandma ever minded it was a combination birthday and Mother's Day present, she never said so. I suspect she was glad to only get one from each of us. How many different ways can one "gush" over yet another new dress, scarf, or piece of jewelry?
At 11:30, start filling your plate. Eat off a TV tray in the living room, or go through the garage to the patio and balance the plate in your lap.
At 12:30, gather around the dining room table to watch Grandma blow out the candles. She lived to 103, so the number of candles didn't really matter after she hit 50 or 60. (Or Auntie didn't want to want to bother with a burn permit...)
The cake would be cut and served.
Grandma would move to her favorite chair in the living room and open gifts.
Gush, gush.
Around 1:00, the Ritual of Renewed Bonding would begin. The Uncles and a few older male cousins would retire to the patio. The rest of us would sit or stand in the living room and listen to Auntie's grown, ubersuccessful children brag about their latest promotions, and the latest educational achievements of their equally brilliant children.
Grandma, of course, would have heard it all after their arrival the day before. Bless her heart, as soon as she could get a word in, she'd try to give the rest of us a chance to brag. Never worked. What could anyone possibly say that could be the least bit interesting after knowing Auntie's children and grandchildren were the best at everything.
By now it'd be close to 3:00 and we could begin making our exits.
Nice to see you, Grandma.
Happy Mother's Day.
blah, blah, blah, blah.
I always wondered what the Uncles talked about out on the patio while the rest of us were inside pretending to be impressed by Auntie's children.
One year I finally found out....
What follows was considered deep conversation among the men in the family:
Uncle #1: Nice weather.
Five minutes later, Uncle #2: Yep.
Another five minute interval.
Uncle #3: Think it'll rain?
Five more minutes of silence.
Uncle #1: Might.
Five (or ten) more minutes.
Uncle #3: Hear that on the radio?
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
Uncle #1: Yep.
That's how it went, I kid you not, with only slight variations, until their wives came out to say it was time to leave.
Some of the out-of-town Cousins and I began rebeling at having to waste a perfectly good Sunday afternoon in May listening to Auntie's kids brag. We came up with our own schedule that allowed us to stay in Grandma's good graces but avoid the brag session.
We'd all arrive at 11:25, just in time to drop our gifts on the dining room table on the way to the food. We'd plant ourselves around Grandma so we could chat with her while we ate. At 12:30 she'd blow out the candles, we'd eat cake while she opened gifts...gush, gush...and at 1:00 we'd say our goodbyes.
In and out in 90 minutes. Brilliant.
Took the Aunts (Auntie's sisters) a couple of years to figure it out, and then they too began coming up with reasons to leave at 1:00. Which, naturally, was a huge disappointment for the Uncles. No more Male Bonding Sessions on the patio.
Yep.
As I said before, Grandma lived to 103. Except for the daughter in California, two generations of women had never known what it was like not to spend Mother's Day at Auntie's.
Is it any surprise then that when the second-youngest aunt was told Grandma had expired, the first thing out of her mouth was "Hallelujah! I can finally have my own Mother's Day!".
It would take one more Annual Gathering for the rest of us to break the habit.
The last part of April, we each received an invitation from Auntie to gather as usual, "because we always have". But not at her house, mind you. At a park on the other side of town "so the little ones will have a place to play". Funny, her back yard had been a perfectly good place for decades for the kids to play, but now it wasn't.
Those of us who came that year did so partly out of habit and partly out of curiosity. This side of the family had never been a huggy-kissy bunch, so it didn't take long to verify the only reason we showed up all those years previously was out of respect for Grandma. No Grandma, no reason to waste any part of a perfectly good Sunday in May kissing Auntie's...uh, ring.
The next year, nobody came except, naturally, Auntie's kids and grandkids.
Imagine that.
So now you know why women in my family hated Mother's Day.
Comments
This seemed to be an era of that generation, once a month we all went to my grandmothers. arrived at 11, told to go and play, had dinner , told to go and play whilst 'adults played cards, had tea, home for 7. It was sooooooooooo predictable, I can understand all your feelings and you expressed them very well.
103!! My goodness that is really amazing! Jama, this was so funny, especially the "uncle bonding" on the patio. :D It is a shame that all the mom's had to share mother's day in this way though.
In a remotely similar way, it reminds me of how I used to have to share my birthday with my younger brother because we were born 4 days apart. I hated that. I understood why my parents didn't want to have 2 celebrations only 4 days apart, but how I resented seeing both of our names on one cake! I wanted it to be MINE! All MINE! ;) lol!
Very fun read Jama! I enjoyed it. :)
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Thanks, Hawkesdream. Yes, soooooo predictable. Easy to see where some of us get our sense of humor!
Glad it made you laugh, Pam! Someday I'll have to write about her 101st birthday. At any rate, I think group celebrations are a bad idea, for exactly the reasons you said. How can you feel anything but resentful on *your* day if you have to share it? The least your parents could've done is have two cakes, one for each of you!
Family rituals are so funny (after the fact). Visits to one of my grandmothers were full of laughter and hugs and songs; at the other gran's house, strained conversation and "walks" in the garden.
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Teresa, aren't they though! (after the fact) On one side of the family, sides would hurt from laughing and being hugged all day. Obviously, this wasn't it. Glad to know yours was the same.
I'm so with you. Nothing worse than these staged events. After years of being miserable at family gatherings, I simply said no. I never go now and everyone's the happier for it. (You can read that any way you want!)
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I'm sooooo with you too! Forced-attendence family gatherings should be illegal. They're the cause of a lot of repressed anger.
Hey, Jama - I was reading and thinking pretty much what Teresa commented :-) Family rituals are laughable, but only AFTER they are discontinued for some reason!
I particularly enjoyed the highly stimulating male bonding conversation in the patio. Why, that would have been reason enough to continue with the tradition!! Laugh!
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Elena, I couldn't resist including the male bonding bit. The day I got curious enough to see for myself, it was all I could do not to bust out laughing after 20 minutes or so! They weren't normally what you'd call motor mouths anyway, and far as I know they liked each other. Must've been their way of recharging their batteries after the excitement of Grandma blowing out the candles. ;D
wow :( Now you can finally enjoy your day of being pampered by your kids and husband!
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We all finally could, ratcliffe07. What a concept!
My kids never worry about mother's day and probably don't even know when it is!
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Cindy, your kids don't live in the States, right? If so, then they probably don't know or care! ;D
Not only the rituals of everyone "required" in my family of attending Mother's Day and May Birthday's together at my Grandmother's house. Was also the ritual of being forced every Sunday attending Sunday School and Church with my Mother, Grandmother & Aunts. Heaven forbid you might be able to skip the family church rituals and go to a friend's church to see how other religions conduct their services. That way you might in later life have a broader aspect of other people lives.
When my grandpa was alive on my mom's side of the family I only had one opportunity to go to large family gatherings when I was sixteen. That summer we flew back to visit my grandpa in Kansas, which was a good thing because he passed away a year later. I am glad I did get to go to a few of the family gatherings, but I knew I was an odd ball at the picnic we had.
Some of the people were sitting around talking, and I just did not feel like doing that because everyone had been doing that all week. The other part of the family was off playing a baseball game, and I did not want to do that either. So I decided to walk around the park for awhile to just be alone because we had been visiting all week. My cousin and little sister were playing with the younger kids, and they asked me why I wanted to be alone. Most of the time I had lots of alone time because I was not used to large family events, so I told my cousin this and he made some remark about how I was acting snotty.
When we all gathered together to go over to the zoo I told him in front of his dad I thought that was rude he had said that to me, and he looked irritated. He was a nice enough kid, but I just really did not like some of his comments.
Since then I have found one of my cousins on myspace and I am talking to her again, but I have not really talked to anyone else on that side of the family since the trip. My cousin invited me to her wedding, but I am not sure I can go because of finances and needing to work. I actually would like to go, but the fact that they live half way across the country makes it hard.
My dad's side of the family is another story because I never felt close to my grandma. My grandpa was a nice guy and I enjoyed his company, but all my grandma ever did was make hurtful comments about how my mom was not good enough for my dad.
When I was in my early twenties I flew up to San Francisco to spend Christmas with them, but it was a hard experience. Even my aunts sort of alluded to how they felt superior to my family, which is not an easy thing to hear 24/7. They were nice enough to me and all, but I could tell I never really fit in with their side of the family.
They are all well to do Silicon Valley types, and they even thought my flying on Southwest Airlines was some how beneath what they were used to. I want to feel closer to my family and I wish I had had that experience, but my immediate family is who I tend to feel closer to these days. I spend time with my mom, my sisters, and my niece and nephew, and actually this is what I like best. Some how I do not think I miss much with those large family get togethers. I never had that experience sitting at the children's table and other stories that most people can share.
My birthday is in the beginning of May, and I fully expect my daughter to give me one gift to celebrate both my birthday and Mother's Day. My mom even brought me home from the hospital on Mother's Day. I can understand wanting to spend Mother's Day with your mother, I wish I could fly up to see my mom, but it seemed like it was forced upon your family, and that's just wrong.
JamaGenee I can never get enough of your stories! Ever. What a treat this morning!
My mother's birthday is on the 10th. Thankfully, she doesn't combine the two unless it happens that way. You poor things, 103! I'd hate it to the ends of the earth. And imagine, meeting at the park.
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aliced52, sounds like we had a lot in common. Until I was a teenager, wasn't allowed to attend other churches. But then I started going to my best friend's church regularly, which happened to be where an aunt and uncle went too, which kept my parents from protesting.
SweetiePie, I can relate to just wanting to be by yourself instead of sitting around talking to people you don't know. As far as your dad's side in San Francisco, they sound like my Auntie and her over-achieving children. To put you down for things like which airline you flew on was just plain *rude*, and just goes to show that having a lot of money doesn't guarantee one has class.
Anne Marie, happy birthday a little early! How sweet that you came home on Mother's Day! But it's one thing to *want* to fly up to see your mom, and quite another if it were forced on you.
Thanks, Frieda! (she says, blushing). Yes, it would've been much better for all if MD and Grandma's birthday hadn't been combined unless, like for your mother, they happened to fall on the same day.
Jama
Of course most of your readers find this funny, as they, well, we are not a part of your la familia. But I see where you're coming from as I myself have to contend with annual family reunions which are nonevents unless somebody in the tree dropped (dead). Then we could actually have real talk! :D
Nice
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Cris, funny (no pun intended) you should mention funerals as the only time some families actually talk to each other. Sad but true.
JamaGenee, I enjoyed this. It was very funny. :)
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Thanks, LW! Glad you enjoyed it! ;D
Great Hub!
Great family story! I very much enjoyed your point of view. I've experienced similar gatherings, though usually starting around 5 pm and ending about 2 am (we're Latin :)
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Thanks, SF! Maybe for Father's Day, I'll write about gatherings on the other side of the family, which were nothing like this.
Guru-C, glad you enjoyed it. 5 pm until 2 am? Oh dear...
Mothers Day is March over here, Fathers Day is in June, good read moi friend !
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Thanks, BC! Yes, I know M-Day is in March over there. Kept circling it on the calendar, but my kids wouldn't go for it. :=(
An excellent telling of a story that many of us can relate too! Thanks very much.
Pat's husband considers Mothers Day to be a commercial nonsense, and tried to discourage her children from doing anything to mark the day. Her children know what's good for them though....
Tricia's husband has always taken a safer approach.
My goodness. Sounds we like have much of the same family except my reason for hating Mother's Day is that all those years of anticipating the first one I would have was for nothing. No one (not my mother, my mother-in-law or my husband) did one thing for me on that first mother's day or the next one. Since then they try to remember the day before or the day of which makes me dislike it even more. Now my children are old enough to do it themselves. Thank goodness.
That's funny how all of you really don't want to have a family reunion that way. None of us siblings hate Mothers Day yet. Since none of us had kids yet. So my mom is enjoying getting spoiled for that matter.
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2Patricias, good for Pat's kids and for Tricia's husband! But yes, it is commercial nonsense in some ways.
RGraf, it sure does sound like we have the same family. How *cold* to deprive you of your very first and second Mother's Day! And then to make it the day before or the day after. Yep, the same family.
mayhmong, family reunions aren't usually held in the same person's small home year after year. When my grandfather was alive and he and Grandma still lived at the "home place", it was different because it had been the childhood home of all the aunts. It was when it began being held at Auntie's that it became a "chore" and a "duty" because she was the least liked of all. You're lucky that you don't have to share Mother's Day - yet! ;D
I kinda figured that was the case with this certain aunt?!
Jama, this was so funny, yet sweet, everybody getting together like that. And the grandmother living to 103, you guys were very lucky. Except for the uberpainsinthebutt, the whole crowd together for mother's day sounds wonderful.
Cute hub. =)
........................yep.
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Thanks, GM!
Wow...I can only imagine. I have only had my nucleus family since I was 7. My parents decided to seek their fortune in travelling to a couple different countries and since then I have met the extended fam on rare occasion. As I look back now, that was the best thing they did cause the drama relatives can cause if in too much close contact is heartbreaking. I have read a couple of your hubs and have enjoyed them.
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fran, you are soooo right about too much close contact causing drama among the relatives! How lucky you are to have been traveling instead!
My mum was the eldest of ten children so gathering like Christmas when we were kids was a large event especially when you take into account that my Nana lived in a two up two down. I had more cousins than you could shake a stick at and fortunately the family loved to party, in the days before karaoke all my aunts and uncles would sing in the local pubs at the drop of a hat. The other side of the family I can never remember a get together except for funerals. Thanks for giving us a glimps into your family life.
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maggs, I can't imagine that many people in a two up two down! Never mind, yes I can. My dad's side had Christmas at his brother's tiny house one year. No clue how we fit in there wthout a shoehorn, but we did!
I'm here to resurrect this wonderful hub.. Hadn't chatted with you in a while, so I dropped in for a cup of tea and a read.. found this one!! YEAH!! Ah, families, what would we write about without them? Thanks Jama and belated happy mother's day!
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Thanks, Candie! What would we write about if not for families? Ah...uh... Hmmmm.. I'll have to get back to you on that one. Enjoy your tea!
What a way of expressing ones feelings. I personally like the idea of being together with grand ma once in a year. It gives you the opportunity to meet other family members.
Mark Twain can now rest in peace, knowing that his replacement (though female) has at last materialised and is finally occupying that long vacant throne of his. Now I have someone to make me laugh other than myself :-))
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lol! Funny you should mention Mark Twain. One of my favorite quotes is his: "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness". My mother's side of the family would've been much more interesting (and tolerable) if they'd lived by that bit of wisdom. ;D
Yes,child, but you must remember to keep a sense of proportion. You have completely ignored another masterful Twain like exclamation "Now I have someone to make me laugh other than myself" ???? Com, come now, show proper respect for genius when it is speaking to you :-)))
Mother's Day in the UK is usually in March. My mother in law was married on her birthday 5th March and yes you've guessed it some years it was mother day also :)
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Having anniversaries, birthdays and such fall on the same day/weekend is a good thing...n.g. for husbands who can't remember special dates separately. But combining Mother's Day celebrations with Mum's birthday only works until the children grow up and have children of their own. ;D
I love the story!
It reminds me of get-togethers at my ex's aunt's house, but the men were much more talkative.
Lots of construction going on.
Yep.
The M's can use another bat.
Yep.
Anyone need another beer?
Yep. Yes. Sure. Yeah, get me one, too.
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lol! If the men on my mother's side had talked that much, we'd've had to call 'em chatterboxes! Maybe even carted 'em off to the ER to find out if they'd been sneaking "uppers"! ;D
We talked a lot.
Yep.
Deep stuff.
Yep.
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Half the fun of being privy to such "conversations" was watching each man ponder his response while posed like Rodin's "Thinker". Deep stuff for sure.
Yep.
;D
Hahaha! This is a hoot! You can now laugh and smile after the events of the past. Wonder if Auntie's kids (and probably by now grandkids) are still the wonders of the day? Odds are some one or more of them have become less than stellar by now. Or do you even keep in touch to know?
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers in your family who can now celebrate as they wish on THEIR special day...just like the one in California. Who said that leaving the nest is all bad? :))
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Peggy, I'm glad you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed airing the family secrets! Can't say if Auntie's grandkids are still as wonderful as she made them out to be. I don't even try to stay in touch. In fact, there's only one cousin from that side that I do keep up with, and she has no use for Auntie's Wonderkins either. Had we known back then what we know now about Grandma (from letters from *her* mother), I doubt anybody but Auntie would've given up their own day for the Annual Teeth Gritting...uh, Mother's Day/Birthday "celebration". Cousin and I can attest that "divorcing" certain relatives is a GREAT feeling! ;D
As they say..."You can pick your friends, but not your relatives." Doesn't mean that you have to associate with them in later years. Ha!
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To be fair, I had several relatives I absolutely adored, and there were several others I would've loved to have known but, alas, died before or shortly after I was born, my dad's mother being one of the latter.
An interesting peek at your family's mother's day. Those were the days huh? However times have changed and bitter sweet memories they remain..I love the way you write, very intriguing. Voted up for sure!
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onlooker, my writing has been called many things, but never "intriguing". You're the first! Thanks! Yes, those WERE the days. (Big sigh of relief that they're over!) ;D
This Hub hit close to home for sure coming from a dysfuntional (crazy) family which I avoid like the plague for the most part for the sake of my own sanity. I voted "awesome".
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Thanks, Lilleyth! Gotta love those "dysfunctional/crazy" families, but there's no law that says ya have be in the same space with them any more than absolutely necessary. After Grandma died and the mandatory annual gatherings mercifully ended, I avoid that side like the plague, too, except for one reasonably-sane cousin! ;D
a very unusual topic for a hub and very well written!
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Kiwi Max, thank you for reading and commenting! Truth be known, many families suffer some variation of this "unusual" topic. On my mother's side, it just happened to be the annual show-up-or-be-banned Mother's Day gathering until Grandma was no longer around. ;D
Your story kind of reminds me of how much my husband some years hates Fathers Day. Our twins were born on my husbands birthday in June and some years fathers day falls on the same day. My husband always hated sharing his birthday with his sons and when it falls on fathers day he just sits and pouts all day. It really is childish :)
Enjoyed reading your story.
As the only daughter in law in a family with four sisters, a mother and paternal grandmother under one roof, I can soooo identify with this hub! I'm trying hard with my married kids to remember traditions need to move on to the next generation to make their own. Not always easy to sell to the prior generation!
We celebrate Mothers Day on March in the UK and it usually falls just before my mom's birthday. I have never made her miss one and always try to get her a card for both at leased. However when it comes to presents she sometimes only gets a Birthday one.
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Susan...oh my. Who'd ever guess what many men would consider a reason for even more celebrating than usual could be a reason to pout instead. Yes, very childish. (What WERE you thinking, btw, having those twins on HIS birthday! ;D)
Kathleen, being married to the only son you'd be "Aunt Bonnie" in Mother's family. Bonnie's way of dealing with the situation was to announce shortly after her first son was born that henceforth, she and Uncle Bob would only attend the Grandma Get Together every other year. The "off" year Mothers Days would be for feting HER mother or herself. Naturally, she was considered something of a radical, but secretly admired by her sisters-in-law for standing her ground! On the other hand, had Grandma been less self-centered, she herself could've suggested alternating years for the Grand Gathering. After she turned 80 (23 years before she died) the attitude changed to "We have to do it - this may be her last Mother's Day". Ha!
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nishlaverz, two cards, one for each occasion! What a good daughter you are!
Since most of my roots are in England, I tried for several years to get my now-grown kids to adopt the Brit Mothers Day for me, to free up the U.S. one in May for their spouses' mothers, but they never would go for it. 'Too close to Easter' (usually) was the excuse. ;D
I love the burn permit comment.
My birthday is the middle of June so I often have to share my day with my husband when it falls on Father's Day.
I have a nephew who was born on the 23rd of December and the poor boy always had to pull half his gifts from under the tree which were wrapped in Christmas paper. I made sure I always wrapped his gift in birthday paper. Such a small thing but I could tell it meant a lot to him.
Yeah, I can see myself as Bonnie although I don't think any of my SILs would describe how they see me as "admire"!!
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@Kathleen, you know your S-i-Ls best, but you might be surprised!
@Pamela, one of my daughters arrived on Dec 29th, so she suffered the birthday gifts in Christmas paper, too. And in what I always thought was an extra dose of cruelty, she'd be told by the giver of each gift that it was a two-fer, birthday and Christmas present combined. Like you, tho, I always wrapped her birthday gifts in birthday paper. But since her bd falls so close to New Year's Eve, now she just lets the NYE celebrations double as "her" bd parties.
You'd think having been, for all practical purposes, a Christmas baby, she'd pay attention to the calendar when starting her own family, but nooooo. Her son was born ON Christmas day, and if she'd had her way naming him, his logical nickname would be "St. Nick"! She makes it a point, tho, to give him a real birthday party on Dec 24th afternoon so HE doesn't get presents wrapped in Christmas paper turned inside out. ;D
Jama - you're hilarious! I love the male bonding conversation! Yep - that's about right. The men in our family...do not speak much or have much use for conversation:) I can see why you hated mother's day - I would have too! I'm sorry but it sounds a little slow of an afternoon and I'd be driving everyone in that house nuts running in circles:) I can't sit still for that long!
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Thanks, RealHousewife! Coming from a Decidedly Dysfunctional family does have its advantages, an endless supply of fodder for hubs like this being one of them! Supposedly the best comedians come from similar families.
I should've mentioned the men had very little to say to one another because Mothers Day and funerals were the only times they saw each other. It was the women who hung out and talked each other's ears off on the phone the rest of the year.
And no need to apologize - the annual Mothers Day gatherings DID make for a slow-as-cold-molasses afternoon! Which is why, instead of driving everyone nuts running in circles till it was over, we Cousins put our heads together and figured how to limit the torture to the absolute minimum amount of time possible! ;D
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