Bad Halloween Candy
Trick or... oh, man! Raisins?
Trick-or-treating is so much fun! The best part is when you get home and dump out your candy to take inventory: Snickers... Milky Way... M&Ms... Wait a minute, candy corn? What are you supposed to do with that?
Here's a look at some of those trick-or-treat items that every kid dreads, along with some advice on what to do if you get stuck with them.
The treat
It's fruit. Sticky, wrinkled, rabbit-turd-shaped fruit.
The trick
These things belong in oatmeal cookies and bowls of bran flakes. They have no business in my trick-or-treat bag. Cover them in chocolate, and then we'll talk.
What to do with it
Bake some cookies or put them in your breakfast cereal. Better yet, feed them to the birds - those little boxes aren't sealed. At the very least, check the backyard for a rabbit cage on your way to the next house.
If You Insist... - Get Newman's Own Raisins in Bulk
That's over 5 1/2 pounds of raisins, and 36 trips to the bathroom.
The treat
Waxy concoction of sugar, honey, and gelatin designed to look like corn kernels, because nothing says sugary goodness like a vegetable. (Yes, I know it's a grain. That doesn't make it right.)
The trick
With its festive look and waxy texture, it is clear that candy corn is a decoration, not a food.
What to do with it
Save it for next year, because yesterday (October 30) was National Candy Corn Day. Don't worry. It'll keep.
If You Insist... - Get a Lifetime Supply of Candy Corn
I'm pretty sure it's not really food, so there should be no concerns about shelf life.
Lewis Black hates candy corn too - (but he loves cursing, so watch out)
"All of the candy corn that was ever made... was made in 1911."
Which is the worst Halloween candy? - What do you hate to find in your trick-or-treat bag?
What do you most hate to find in your trick-or-treat bag?
Pennies
Abe deserves better than this
The treat
Cash money!
The trick
You can't buy anything with five cents. And if it isn't edible, it doesn't belong in the trick-or-treat bag (see also Circus Peanuts).
What to do with it
Not much you can do with this one. You can't throw it away (Who throws away money?), and you can't eat it. If it came from a little old lady's house, at least you can recycle the tiny square of aluminum foil.
If You Insist... - Use Recycled Aluminum Foil
Wrap those tiny stacks of pennies in tiny squares of 100% recycled aluminum foil.
The treat
Sugar, corn syrup, artificial color, artificial flavor, and (tragically, not artificial) pig-skin gelatin. Shape: peanut; color: orange; flavor: banana, obviously.
The trick
This isn't the circus, and those aren't peanuts.
What to do with it
Use them to build something, or make yourself a nice bowl of circus peanut salad. No kidding. Check it out.
If You Insist... - Get Your Circus Peanuts by the Pound
That's enough for two bowls of circus peanut salad. Yum!
Circus Peanut Salad - This is just wrong.
Real Halloween candy concerns?
Razor blades? I looooovve razor blades.
Lots of people believe that poison, needles, and razor blades are the biggest dangers in the trick-or-treat bag, but they're wrong. The poisoned candy scares in the 70s and 80s were all hype, unlike the real and unrelenting terror of rubbery, banana-flavored peanuts.
"The poisoned candy scare was a moral panic in the United States and Canada during the 1970s and 1980s regarding the threat that children could be in danger of ingesting razor blades, needles, drugs, or poison introduced to candy by tampering, especially during traditional Halloween trick-or-treating. Apart from one incident (actually an act of premeditated murder by a trick-or-treater's father), there have been no recorded incidents of deliberately poisoned candy during Halloween or any similar occasion."
The treat
Colorful discs in chocolate, lemon, lime, orange, clove, wintergreen, cinnamon, and licorice. As you might expect, the pink one is the wintergreen.
The trick
I would have thought sidewalk chalk would crumble, but apparently it slices up quite nicely.
What to do with it
Donate it to a teacher. School budgets are tight, and all the pretty colors will help hold the kids' interest more than the plain old white chalk.
If You Insist... - How About a Giant Box of Necco Wafers?
The only thing worse, er... better than a package of Necco wafers is a 5-pound bag of Necco wafers.
NECCO Wafers Jingle - This pretty much sums it up.
Christmas Candy Corn? I'm So Confused - I don't get it
OK, so I get that candy corn is popular at Halloween because of the festive fall colors and because no one can figure out if corn is a vegetable or a grain so we've all agreed to call it a candy. But Christmas candy corn? This I do not understand.
Buy Some Real Candy Instead
M&Ms have it all: chocolate, peanuts, pretty colors. This is what candy is supposed to be.
