How To Avoid Halloween - 8 Ways

Bah, Humbug!

Do you hate Halloween?

Do you hate dressing up in scary costumes?

Do you hate pumpkins?

Well, you've come the right place.

Some people love Halloween, but believe it or not, there are also people who can't stand it.

Some people:

• don't like the idea of dressing up in scary costumes
• think it's a waste of time or money
• don't like the thought of kids going out after dark, in said scary costumes
• hate being disturbed by people on their doorstep, expecting candy!

Confession: I'm one of those people, but that's a story for another time...

Whatever your thoughts on the subject, this article is a tongue-in-cheek look at Halloween, Trick or Treat, and those awkward moments when the doorbell rings.

Can you can escape the bogeyman on that dreaded night?

Tip 1 - Make A Decision!

Let's picture the situation.

You don't like Halloween, but you get all sorts of invitations from well meaning friends.

They invite you to parties and they invite your kids to "trick or treat" with their kids.

What do you do?

Make a choice, that's what!

Work out what it is about Halloween that you don't like (if you don't already know) and then tell 'em!

Tell your friends it's nothing personal, you just don't like them ... *cough* ...I mean you just don't like it.

If that doesn't work, or you're too chicken to talk to your friends, then I'm afraid that avoidance is going to be the only way.

However, in order to avoid Halloween you will need to put in some preparation.

Preparation means planning - and planning means a sense of purpose.

Remember that you've made a decision and your goal is to prevent the unthinkable:

• getting invited to parties
• dressing up
• joining in with anything remotely resembling Trick or Treat.

It will take some work, but it is possible.

The following tips are presented in increasing order of escalation...

Think up some excuses to try when the conversation turns to Halloween parties.

As an example, look at your watch or mobile phone, saying "oh my goodness, is that the time?" and then rush off.

The possibilities here are endless:

• You have to be at home, the gym, borstal, or on a flight to Rio.
• The cat has eaten all the fish in your pond. (Tip: just make sure you've got a pond!)
• A sudden freak storm has levelled the shed.
• There was an earthquake at your mother's place (it's amazing how localised they can be isn't it?).
• A freak tidal wave just threw your/partner's car into the neighbour's house.

Note: the old classic "I've got a headache" may not work in this case.

Say this one too many times and you'll get concerned friends trying to take you to the doctors.

If you really can't face your friends, then it's time to hide!

It's a case of hiding and sneaking around, or possibly hiding in plain sight (see picture).

Stand on the opposite side of their car and surreptitiously move around it when they start to come round to your side.

Just be careful you don't get caught up in the game and start running around, or you'll look like a child.

If they do manage to catch up, then it's "oh hallo, I didn't see you there", which you can follow up with another look at your watch!

Alternatively, change your clothes to blend in with your surroundings and wear a balaclava so they don't recognise you.

Army style camoflage works well here...

So you've made it to October 31st.

You've managed to get invited to zero parties and you're not dressed up at all.

Now all you have to do is avoid answering the door...

Call the cat in and lock the door - preferably with a dead bolt.

Check for gaps around the door frame and then seal the letterbox with sticky tape.

Get a chair or small table and place it up against the door, but don't forget to leave an escape route out the back, in case of emergencies.

If you are truly insistent, you could post a sign on the door saying "trick or treaters will be shot on sight"

...or something like that... er...

You don't want anyone to know you're at home, so put up black-out curtains, then close them and turn off the lights.

If you're now scared, turn the lights back on and move your TV into the back room, so you can watch it from there!

Make sure you wear ear plugs so you can't hear knocking or ringing on the door.

Bonus Tip: Don't forget to switch on subtitles on the TV.

If you have a group of persistent trick or treat kids, then you can escalate as appropriate.

Try placing a bucket of water next to an upstairs window.

Then the next time they call, they'll get a cold shower.

Nothing quite beats soggy clothes to dampen the spirits!

Of course, if escalation doesn't work, you could have a real problem on your hands.

So, how about a bit of reverse psychology?

Dress up in the scariest Halloween costume you can think of and when they ring the doorbell, jump out at them from a nearby bush.

Better still, round up all the kids in the area and invite them into your house.

When they are all assembled, turn off the lights and at the right moment, shout "boo!".

- You will only have to do this once.

Warning: may result in prosecution and court appearances, due to 'traumatic experiences'.

Finally of course, there is nothing else for it but to declare all out war on the entire neighbourhood.

Turn your house into a bunker:

• Place wooden planks across all entrances and hammer them into place.
• Place barbed wire all round your house and sandbags against your windows.
• Arm mines in your garden (depth charges in your swimming pool, if you have one) and set up a sniper position on the roof.
• Hotwire your doorbell to administer an electric shock when pressed - if they make it that far.

Warning: will almost certainly result in no friends and a long prison sentence, but hey, you won't ever receive trick or treat visits again.

In fact, you probably won't receive visits of any kind at all...

Do you hate Halloween as much as I do?

Do you love Halloween?

Is all this just a bit unfair, or did you laugh?

Then let me know!