CALL ME CHRIS EVERETT ONE MORE TIME, I DARE YOU, I'M RIGHT HERE, DO IT -- History of the Super Bowl Part 20

1989

Bill Walsh would leave an ASSLOAD of professional children.

Assistant coaches who had grown under him and were now about to spread his religion to the rest of the NFL.

In this group include Jon Gruden, Mike Holmgren, Steve Mariucci, Andy Reid, Tony Dungy, and that's all I remember for now. I almost said Dennis Green.

To replace Bill Walsh, in came George Seifert (SEE-fert).

The officials would always get this wrong and call him SY-fert.

George Seifert had these cool glasses with the strings for when he wants to wear them around his neck, I never saw those before and thought they looked pimp.

The unsung star of the 89 season was Los Angeles Rams quarterback Jim Everett.

I know you're all asking -- what happened to Air Randall?

Buddy Ryan happened to him.

The coach of the Eagles during the Fog game and for a few years afterwards had been the stalwart of How To Play Defense.

Buddy Ryan didn't give a DAMN about who was on offense.

Buddy Ryan was not an offensive guy. He lived to break them down.

He was a lawyer who simply couldn't argue the affirmative as much as understanding the affirmative was essential to what his forte was -- arguing the negative.

See?

It was literally like knowing everything about how to sleep with a woman.

This doesn't mean that for a second you'd enjoy BEING a woman, know what I mean?

So the Eagles would ultimately be hindered.

Meanwhile Jim Everett led the Rams to an 11-5 record and went into the divisional playoffs at Giants Stadium.

They were down early.

They were down in the fourth.

Then Everett throws a beautiful 64-yard bomb to Flipper Anderson, leading them to victory.

And a theory as to where Spike Lee got the name for his Wesley Snipes character in "Jungle Fever" (1993) is born.

Because Spike Lee is a New York sports fan, probably writing lots of scripts with Do The Right Thing so big in 1989...and this Divisional Playoff game would logically be where the name "Flipper" first meets a New York fan's conscience...

The Rams get to go to San Francisco.

They lose.

Now...we'll get back to this point, but it's an important day in the life of Mister Everett.

It would be the first time that many of the same masses paying attention to a San Francisco 49ers playoff game had seen Jim Everett.

During I think it was the third quarter, he calls hike, and then HITS THE GROUND and gets in some kind of fetal position.

The 49ers defenders hadn't even touched him yet.

They were coming, but Everett still had plenty of time to do so.

Everett was positive that he was going to get rocked, and this illustrated something about the damning effect of quarterbacking.

It literally...is like being the director of a movie.

Sure you look good when everyone else works hard.

But the hits will hurt, boy. The hits hurt.

They hurt so much you remember them.

400 pound dudes crushing a guy not even 180.

Full speed like trucks.

The same motherfucker that just shoved aside your bus of a left tackle...is now about to apply the same force plus ten...on YO ass.

Jim Everett would be the first player to ever actually admit, both on the field with what became known forevermore as the "Phantom Sack"...and in interviews...that he simply didn't have the proper confidence and faith to believe physics and weight didn't apply in all this.

He would get made fun of.

Merill Hoge who's a big star at this time for Pittsburgh...would retire from the game after getting a slight hint of nerve damage following a hit in 1994.

Nobody called Merill Hoge a pussy.

But this, in 1988, was the days before Mike Utley and Dennis Byrd.

Two men who had in fact...had their extremities go limp trying to fuck around with NFL pass rushers.

The idea before this of a player leaving or so much as acknowledging a reason to leave...made him look BAD.

The same fans that love football are not the kind of people to sympathize with ANYTHING.

Particularly when it's a PERCIEVED medical condition rather then the real thing.

And so people laughed at Everett.

He was branded as a pussy for the rest of his days.

The fact that he would continue playing until 1997...didn't change the perception.

For the Rams simply weren't known.

Nobody takes the time to know teams UNLESS they believe it won't be a waste of time.

Can you beat the 49ers, ho? Then uuuuuz a waste of time.

Remember how much shit Nebraska used to get BEFORE the day they made Florida State have to win a national title with their kicker?

Well here we go in 1988.

Now the fun part was that Ditka was screwing up.

He used to have a sense of at least scouting, right?

Well he would start to slip.

Maybe there were others who slipped too...but Ditka gets the credit...thus Ditka gets the blame.

Trace Armstrong and Donnell Wolford and Jerry Fontenot would be positive editions.

But they would let go of Willie Gault, Wilber Marshall, Al Harris, Otis Wilson and Mike Richardson.

Mark Carrier, Trace and Donnie would all hold out like Cade McNown would in 1999.

This makes you almost dislike them immediately, doesn't it?

Well the Bears sure enough would also have a quarterback problem.

Ditka wouldn't actually come out and say "McMahon, you're benched", partially because he didn't have any faith in the reserves.

On top of Tomzcak, the Bears would draft the Michigan quarterback. Jim Harbaugh.

Harbaugh was good, but Harbaugh was one of us.

Harbaugh was an AFC dude.

The first week of practice, Dennis McKinnon tried to tell him he threw like a bitch.

POP!!!!

Harbaugh socked him in the fucking eye.

Harbaugh, just like McMahon, was very quick to look around and go "fuck, these guys suck a duck."

He would slowly get the nerve to call audibles all the time the way McMahon did...to clean up Ditka's juvenile play calling.

You lose patience for football coaches when you actually play football.

How many fucking plays can a man watch go by before a pass is called?

Yet every one of us is a reciever because we can't bench press as much as those fat fucks on the line, and we're not a tough black kid like the tailback.

Ditka never let his quarterbacks pass.

This is why he always says "oh whoops my bad" when the team is down late.

The Bears are always losing, right...but they lose 38-33. 56-54. 67-66.

There's always these tons and tons of passing plays called and EXECUTED PROPERLY when it's too little to late.

YOU FREAKING SEE?! LIKE PLAYING IN SCHOOL!!!!

The Bears are always 3-10 and then go into the domes of the last two world champions and win, then beat the last undefeated team, then Montana, you see? So they finish 6-10, 5-11, and everyone goes WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR WE CAN COMPETE WITH MONTANA YAWWW!!!

The Bears begin with a decent game from Tomzcak. They beat the Bengals in Soldier Field and go 1-0.

Then they finish 6-10.

The entire league would kill each other.

At the end, there was only two teams that had fun-looking records -- San Francisco at 14-2, and the New York Football Giants at 12-4.

The Rams were 11-5, the Broncos were 11-5, the Bills were 9-7?

The Bengals finished 8-8.

Meanwhile Cleveland was seeing it's last big breath from Bernie Kosar.They too were 11-5, and hosted the Bills in the Divisional Playoffs.

Buffalo and Cleveland would have a shootout. Kelly vs. Kosar would end with the Browns winning 34-30, but for Buffalo, this was a sign of things to come...

So the Browns move on to Denver for the AFC Championship game again.

Denver had squeeked by Pittsburgh, a game where Bubby Brister and Merill Hoge had these cats down 17-7 in the second quarter.

Elway of course comes back.

Once again, the Broncos and Browns would have a great playoff game.

In the third quarter there were FIVE TOUCHDOWN PASSES between Elway and Kosar.

Webster Slaughter had like 255 recieving yards.

But ultimately the Broncos would hold them off. They had a secondary now with Steve Atwater and Dennis Smith and they hurt people, and intercepted Mr. Kosar.

Kosar would go onto the Cowboys and be Aikman's back-up in the 90s.

Elway meanwhile would take THIS game, and his third AFC title.

-------------------

The Eagles and Giants lost to the Rams, who lost to the 49ers, prompting goateed dorks like Jim Rome to take a stereotype and SCREAM IT AND SPREAD IT LIKE A CHILD!!!!

Rome was stupid enough to do it right to Everett's face on TV.

Unlike most of us who don't have to say shit, people are simply jealous...Everett knew how many "little birds" they were.

Little birds are what John Stockton does and has referred to as "people who weren't there, but speak on a matter anyway."

As in..."little birds" are the ones who like to point out Stockton was a dirty fucking asshole when he played.

In this case, Rome called him Chris Everett a bunch of times.

Chris Everett's a tennis star. And a woman.

In this case, Everett rises to his feet at the interview and challenges Jim Rome to call him Chris Everett again.

Rome does.

Everett pushes him backwards so he falls out of his chair and down an extra step because it was an elevated platform.

Everett then stands over him while Rome turns red, but Everett doesn't want to go to jail so doesn't do anything else.

My prognosis -- I'm a Bobby Knight fan, and Jim Everett played at Purdue. If that's not proof he's a big female dripping smelly pussy I don't know what is:)

So the Rams would be out of it, and Denver and San Francisco would have their showdown.

Oh my god.

Hold on, I have to stop laughing for a second.

There it goes.

Anyway, let's explain to the young for a minute why we're laughing so hard.

Not the outcome...but the HYPE leading to the outcome.

All us 30 year olds remember all too well the amount of selling that went in during that time leading up to Superbowl XXIV.

This was gonna be the DREAM match-up, dawwwwwwwg!

Elway vs. Montana?!

Who the fuck'll win?!

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Commerative plates, McDonalds collectables,

Did you make sure to get the entire Topps set of Orange Crush II figurines?

I think I even had a clock for the longest time with Elway's arm doing the minutes and Montana's doing the hours.

This was Michael vs. Magic.

Yeah.

Had Michael played Magic in 1987.

The 49ers went into this game literally up by 30 points.

The game was so retarded I don't even know where to begin.

So let's dive in with both feet.

Jerry Rice runs down the field, gets tangled by three guys who HAVE HIM CONTAINED!!!

But he breaks through all of them, AND catches a pass in stride that was thrown seconds before, as if Montana and Rice had worked on a play called "tangle-me-up-power-trap-on-six" or some shit.

Touchdown 49ers. Rice gets it and the treats the other guys like pinball flippers.

Flippers! Jungle Fever was a GREAT film. Spike Lee's best ever, no question in the WORLD.

Then the next time down, because the Broncos don't get shit, Montana hits Brent Jones for the same result.

Bounces off dudes, dances into the endzone.

Rathman then scores, diving in there to make it 21-3.

Then with like 12 seconds before the half...Montana HEAVES IT TO RICE FOR THE ENDZONE WHO GETS IT LIKE NOTHING WHAT A FUCKING CATCH!!!!

This one had to be the most baller I ever seen. The one that put them up 28-3 going into the half.

And of course in the second half, Montana throws another long pass to Rice, another to Craig, one to John Taylor, and then Craig runs into the endzone.

It was 55-3.

55-10 the final.

It was fucking CRAZY.

The 49ers had repeated and just DESTROYED JOHN ELWAY.

Elway's Broncos would go right back down to last place. There was no injuries or excuses this time, they simply were not into this shit anymore.