ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing»
  • Creative Writing»
  • Humor Writing

Lemon County: Acting For Beginners...

Updated on December 15, 2011

There Is No Such Thing As An Average-Star...

I've heard that at the back of everyone’s mind is the notion that they are a natural born actor. We've all watched actors on TV and in movies and thought, "I can do that", but in most normal people the thought remains just that.

As you are probably aware, normal and I have only a passing acquaintance, so I took the next step. Knowing that my lack of svelte-ness and un-movie star looks could be a hindrance in the leading man department, my focus was on my voice, (surprise! I have an English accent).

Having somehow snared She-who-is-adored, I realize that this must indeed be a potent weapon, so several years ago I attended classes in voice acting, thinking about doing voice-overs, books on tape, the whole shebang. All was going swimmingly well, until it came to auditions. They were always held during the day and I had that pesky principaling job at the same time.

I kept my professional (you would be amazed at what sound engineers can do!) demo CD, but put the whole thing on the back burner.

Then came this year, call it my man-opause to protect the guilty, and I'm rooting around in my what-the-heck-do-I-do-now drawer, and revisit earlier hopes and dreams. Writer? Yeah, let's give that a go. Rock star? Oh be sensible! Soccer star? Hmmm, fifty-two is way past any sell-by date, and there is that minor fitness thing. Actor? Why the heck not.

So with more heart than sense I joined a talent organization, put my least fat pictures up for perusal, downloaded the aforementioned demo CD, and waited.

If you're laughing, stop right now.

It worked. Well, kinda…

I got an audition. For an honest to goodness movie role! The supporting lead in a full-length independent movie!

Impressive, huh? Now, let's break that down a little.

The movie is billed as a Film Noir. (Think Cohen Brothers minus the humor.)

So no one is going to see it.

Independent low budget means you don't get paid upfront, you get paid if anyone goes to see it. (Refer to the line above)

So, I drive for an hour and a half, leaving the safety of Lemon County, for the wilds of LA, find somewhere to park (the freeway seemed like a good idea, but you have to move your car every five minutes or so) and look for an industrial unit masquerading as a studio.

I made a last minute attempt to remember the script bits that had been sent to me and try to wrap my head around the character. A fifty-plus older man, described as a Dandy, with the helpful add on that he should be an LA version of Quentin Crisp. An LA version of one of the gayest men from England, what the...

OK, so fussy dresser, charmer, smooth, know-it-all. Got it. Oh remember the bit about it being film noir? Well, it was way more noir than I'd anticipated, my character was blind!

He could smell what was wrong with the main character's computer, for Pete's sake. This was not looking too good for me. I had only just managed to memorize the lines and directions, wrestling with the portrayal of a blind man (who was vain about his looks!) was just a tad too much for my limited abilities.

Anyway, I got there early, signed in, got all available brownie points and met the director as he came out of the restroom. I forgot he had seen a photo of me, and was, for a fleeting second, baffled how he could possibly know me. He was directly out of central casting himself as: young bearded director. He introduced me to the writer, and I got an immediate read on why the script was so hard to understand, as I believe it may have been translated from one of the many wonderful Slavic languages.

I then proceeded to make a fool of myself in front of these impossibly young, incredibly intent, and I have to say, incredibly kind people. They made nice sounds to cover up the what-the-heck-are-you-doing-here looks. And, after what seemed like twenty seconds, we were done. We made a little microscopic talk, and then I walked a few blocks to find my car.

Was it fun? Yes, it was. It was also stressful, otherworldly, embarrassing and yet somehow, ever so slightly addictive. So along with all my other afflictions, I now have to live with this acting bug.

Did I get a callback?

This is me we're talking about here, of course I didn't. I joined the almost stationary stream of escapees on the 101, and painstakingly made my way back to Lemon County, and relative sanity.

I'm going to have to get a real job, aren't I?


Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      I worked on a movie set once.. it was long, boring, tedius.. but the food was awesome. :)

      Your life is perfect, people take Monopoly money in Lemon County don't they??

    • ChrisLincoln profile image
      Author

      ChrisLincoln 7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Can you believe I did this!

      Crazy huh?

      If it weren't for the money thing, I think I have the perfect life...

      C :)

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      No, you're not going to have to get a real job. Notever. (That's a real word, and kind of like a real job, we won't use it again.)

      Real jobs are for people who are mature and sensible.(yuk!)

      We need to write for a living so all the people with real jobs can wish they were us.

      Then we'll stick our tongues out at them and wiggle our butts, showing that yes, indeed,we are not grown up enough yet for real jobs.

    • ChrisLincoln profile image
      Author

      ChrisLincoln 7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Kimh039,

      Thanks for reading, and leaving the positive notes,

      Chris

    • kimh039 profile image

      Kim Harris 7 years ago

      Love it! Pleasant read and wonderful humor. Thank you.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: "https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr"

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)