10 years old

You dont understand my pain ..

Nights spent out in the rain

Lost and confused

Alone and dazed

My only comfort was haze

I still remember that sweet smell

The only thing to make me forget my suburban hell....so comforting like the thought of feeling at home ,

a feeling i still yearn for every day tryna take it day by day

I used to ponder profound thoughts at the age of ten.

It's not that big of a number if you really think about it...

I know I did.

And i cant refrain

from reminiscing about

Nights spent out in the rain

Trying to understand my pain

And I'm guess at this point you may be confused but you see this is very much a story of being abused , mislead and used.

And I know these things cant be undone

But it bothers me

Cause i dead think these niggas thought it was all fun...

And even though my heart was shattered like fragile thin glass

I was never done

i think I like the pain

And sitting out in the rain

Crying tears of distain

Instead of elevating my soul to a higher plain......

Or maybe its cause my sisters father used to smack me around

And punish me if i made a sound

Heavy hands like giant mallets

I can still recall the point of impact

I tried so hard not to cry

But this time i let out a sigh....

The only thing worse than not being a man and showing signs of pain is expressing relief as if it was about to end

NO !!! Not till I bend

and BREAK....

No showing signs of will just my little body lying still.

I imagine you just felt that chill...

Could you blame a child for wanting to kill....

For feeling rage and hate and always being irate

That man does not deserve a clean slate

He is the root of all this hate

The thought makes my heart beat at a fast rate like a blood lust type rage

but its time to turn the page

And maybe thats why

I sought out love

Like an addict seeks a drug

I needed my fix

Settling for guys

that brought tears to my eyes

Endless streams covering my face

Like salty diamonds

Hidden as I stand alone in the rain

Consumed by this pain

Lost and confused

I smoke my haze to the face

But the thoughts wont end

Im stuck in this place

and it fills me with dread

How bad i want this man dead

I see the knife in my hand

And I'm standing over this man

I cant stop myself

I stab with one quick jab

It feels good and i keep on going

Again and again ....again...again..again

I watch the crimson pool grow

Under his cold lifeless body

But I still feel this distain

Cause he still doesn't know my pain

Those were my thoughts as a child

He broke my spirit and bent my will

Now I'm just another BROKEN person seeking love in other BROKEN people....

Alone in the rain

I ease my pain

With thoughts of this man being slain,

I become numb ......