13 Ludicrous Life Quotes By Made-Up Celebrities

Hi my name is Torrence Hammondson, celebrity stalker and Hollywood sycophant. I am here to share with you today, several of the canned nuggets of wisdom I have gleaned over the years, from some of Tinsel Town's most notorious hang outs such as: The Monkey's Ball Ballroom, The Cat Ran Lounge and Dick's.

You won't find any drivel from Simon Cowell here! No Angelina Jolie remarks to be shared on this page! Only pristine life quotes from some of the Big Screens never heard of stars because they don't actually exist.

Food quotes...

"One can never eat too much head cheese because everyone knows life is about beginnings and endings."

Director: Franz Arroglant

"I never saw a salad I didn't like, because I don't eat them. Salads are more of a vegetable that frames a nice big fat steak. I don't eat salads."

Comedian: Wally Farfromnaseous

Regarding the state of the world quotes...

"You can tell we live in a wonderful environment because cars bellow out gorgeous blue smoke and bicycles hardly give off any smoke at all."

Actress/Model: Marilyn Monron

"If the world is round than my names not Billy Bumperstein."

Gaffer: Adrian Goldworthy

"I saw a UFO last night and then this morning I found a balloon in my yard. Coincidence? I doubt it."

Actor: Peter LeDrake

Business quotes from fictitious celebrities....

"Acting is it's own business. You work for many months, get paid, and sleep with strangers. It's pretty much like being a bank teller, only we don't have to use those giant suction tubes. Well some of us do, but I can't tell you which of us do. But it's not me."

Actor: Jeffrey Slidinhoff

"Business? Business? Who are you? You said we would get paid a half a million for this interview! I've never heard of Torrence Hammondson! Leave my daughter alone!"

Father/Manager of Whitney Shears: Gregg Shears

Celebrity Quotes by unknown celebrities...

"I think Marlon Brando once ate eighteen plates of eggplant napolteana. Eighteen!"

Producer: Maxmillion Baskerville

"What's a celebrity made of? Actresses of course are made of sugar, spice and everything nice. Actors are mostly made of heroine, crystal meth and beef jerky."

Actor/Writer: Mel Roman

Wise quotes from experienced entertainers...

"My Grandfather, he was really old fashioned. Even in his last years, he hardly ever watched television, or even saw movies! Mostly he was a bookworm, he read books!"

Actress/Author: Missy Bookwurm

"Lightning never strikes twice, unless you do a sequel and the merchandising is like, heyooo! There making rubber dolls of my character! Then you know, its time off in Aruba for like three months."

Actor: Erich Von Murray

Great quotes from fictitious people in the movie industry...

"Great quotes? You're asking Hollywood for anecdotes about life? Ha! Why not look in the sewer for fresh produce?"

Cinematographer: Alecia Merriweather

"Woot woot woot! Yeah, you bet this is a great job. In a great industry, in a great country with one helluva great paycheck! Woohooooo! I've busted my nose so many times they named the procedure after me!"

Stuntman: Randy Rhinoplaski

There you have it, life quotes to help you guide your existence. If there's one thing celebrity obsessed Americans understand, it's that celebrities are geniuses! That's why they make so much money! Check back next week when I publish quotes by fictitious multi-national corporate executives, they make even more money than celebrities! You better believe, they make that much money, because they all have our best interests at heart. Until next time, I'm Torrence Hammondson letting you know why learn yoga when you can just wrestle with the neighbor's dog! You can quote me on that!