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50 Funny Quotes: Homer Simpson

Updated on October 4, 2008

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Homer no function beer well without.

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

[Looking at a globe being Uruguay]

Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'

All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?


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  • profile image

    elena descallar 7 years ago

    im one of the biggest fan of homer simpson..watching every episode after another is a lot of fun,.though some jokes are offensive its all about how you take the humor anyway.simpson serves as a stress relief for me..ill never get tired of watching the simpson,.I like everything about homer..haha

  • profile image

    cutie 7 years ago

    hey stop usin big words i cant understand em! lol but i watch th e simpsons all the tim ethey are hilarious too a some point but eh wht the heck i love the SIMPSONS WATCH EM EVERYDAY!!!!!!! LMAO

  • profile image

    Hi 7 years ago


  • profile image

    Hi 7 years ago


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    verdastel 8 years ago

    Thank you for providing this, i laughed a lot! I always like The Simpsons. In my place many people just can't understand the smart satirical comedy in it and think that it's just an ugly cartoon with stupid characters...

  • St.James profile image

    St.James 9 years ago from Lurking Around Florida

    Thank you CountryWomen... maybe I will add video sometime. I thought reading the quotes was much funnier than watching them.

  • countrywomen profile image

    countrywomen 9 years ago from Washington, USA

    My husband likes simpson a lot and then when I saw it I realized why. It is really funny and in one episode they outsource work to India and that was hilarious. I wish you could have put some youtube/google video too. Thumbs up for an entertaining hub.

  • St.James profile image

    St.James 9 years ago from Lurking Around Florida

    Reading Homer (Simpson that is) I think is a bit better than watching the Simpsons on TV. The written words are just funnier.

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    Feline Prophet 9 years ago

    I never watch The Simpsons...didn't know Homer was so funny!!

  • St.James profile image

    St.James 9 years ago from Lurking Around Florida

    I think it was a cartoon version of "Married with Children" which at one time ran back-to-back. The cartoon could get away with a lot more than live action.

    Either way the Simpsons were kind of a jab at the 90s nuclear family and their morals.

  • Tom Rubenoff profile image

    Tom Rubenoff 9 years ago from United States

    The show was occasionally offensive, but what a scream!

  • St.James profile image

    St.James 9 years ago from Lurking Around Florida

    I never realized it, but I have referenced Homer a few different time throughout my writing...hmmm...connection?

    Thank you AjCor and Proud Mom... D'oh!

  • Proud Mom profile image

    Proud Mom 9 years ago from USA

    One of my favorite "down-time" things to do is play Simpson's Road Rage on the PS3! The show is just all in fun. But it does get too stupid for my attention, sometimes.

    These are funny! I have to email a link to your page to a couple of people.

  • ajcor profile image

    ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

    Homer is such an idiot ! I too did not watch The Simpsons until one day I realised what a geat social commentary it was - good hub...cheers

  • St.James profile image

    St.James 9 years ago from Lurking Around Florida

    I too, have not watched it in several years, but Homer kills me.

  • Teresa McGurk profile image

    Sheila 9 years ago from The Other Bangor

    Ok -- I confess: I laughed my ass off reading this. I didn't watch the Simpsons for years, because I objected to the promulgation of ignorance and stupidity -- and then I realized just what great biting satire it was on the American dream.