50 Shades of Rotherham

The social security had decided I was capable of working even though I had told them I had learning difficulties. I need the extra money from the disability payment to pay for my ciggies or I will have to quit and that isn't fair. My kids don't need to deal with me being all antsy and aggressive, Tesco, Asda, Morrison, and Snafu ( I wanted to be like the Beckhams and named my children from where they were conceived, cool or what?) don't need their mommy to let them down like that, not when they already have so much to do, my kids are great, Tesco has been nicking car radios to make money for the food shopping since he was 5 years old, I am so proud!

So here I was standing outside the the dole office having a ciggy, not feeling very attractive with my big 6 months whale belly, when this gorgeous lad comes up to me. " Alreight there me duck, you looking well fit today, Fancy a night out rand here this Sat'dy then or what laa?"he says. The swag on this dude was so mint I weren't about to say na like! He told me I did not have ta worry about money coz he had just done a job on Primark and made a few quid on it.

That Saturday night I made sure I wore me sexiest dress, the white one, coz it looks really sexy when I put my Playboy Black thong on, the teasing look is super hot on a first date and I knew it would get him steamin' for it.

Our Tesco went out on t'rob for neight and Asda babysat Snafu and Morrison for me, she is a good girl, she been ace babysitting, done it since she was 7 bless her. Good job that she has anall na coz she is 13 and preggers with her second. She can't get her own house til she gets to 16 like, so she bunks up with my lot. Love my little granddaughter McKayla Lexus Krystal anyway so no harm done hey?

My nerves were getting the better of me so I had a cheeky Vodka and Red Bull before he met me at The Rhino, I had wanted to meet in The Angel but he said he wanted to shift some nicked razor blades in't Rhino before we went out dancing like. He didn't show up until I was on my third drink, bless him he shifted that gear so fast, he is a pro at moving gear, so proud of him!

By the time we got to High Bar I could hardly walk, seeing as the pub Snafu had such good memories for me, what with our kid being conceived there, we walked back down and I sorted him out behind the fire escape of Snafu. So romantic being in the same place I had been 5 years before. The bouncers came out and caught us, so we were hauled out the back and thrown out down the street. We didn't care, we were living it large and it were well funny when everyone saw my man still had himself showing. He hadn't had time to put it away when the bouncer punched him. Guess he forgot about it when he was too busy glassing the mouthy one over the head.

We decided we would grab a last one at Yates and then get a taxi home, so off we headed. Everything was going lovely until I threw up, Red Bull really gives ya heartburn when you are pregnant. Me man weren't bothered and gave me a big snog to make me feel better, told me he would still do me coz ma melons still looked great in that dress, spew or no spew on it. I reckon that is when I proper fell for him actually, I mean how romantic and caring does a man get?

When we got to Yates' they wouldn't let us in, they said we were both a big state, me with sick down me dress and him with a bit of a bloody nose from nutting one of the bouncers before. We was on our way next door to get a taxi but I were bursting for a pee and the taxi rank hasn't got a bog in it, so I nipped over road, with my man carrying ma shoes for me. I found these bushes and relieved mesen, only to stand up and find me man being pinned back by two coppers. Wish I had stayed down now but too late coz they had already spotted me. That was the last I saw of him, we were both banged up, one of the coppers had recognized him from the Primark cctv.

That was 3 weeks ago now and I can't find him anywhere, I don't even know what his name is but I know I love him. I keep checking the " In court" section of the Rotherham Record and I KNOW I will see him again one day. He will always be My Man!

I hope you like my spoof.

Rotherham is based on the edge of South Yorkshire in the UK and has a very strong dialect. Any spelling errors you think have occurred are likely to be a narrative of that dialect. I do hope you have enjoyed my satirical creative writing.