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50 Shades of Rotherham

Updated on August 20, 2012

Hey mama!

What, I'm pregnant?!
What, I'm pregnant?!

How I met the love of My life in Rotherham

The social security had decided I was capable of working even though I had told them I had learning difficulties. I need the extra money from the disability payment to pay for my ciggies or I will have to quit and that isn't fair. My kids don't need to deal with me being all antsy and aggressive, Tesco, Asda, Morrison, and Snafu ( I wanted to be like the Beckhams and named my children from where they were conceived, cool or what?) don't need their mommy to let them down like that, not when they already have so much to do, my kids are great, Tesco has been nicking car radios to make money for the food shopping since he was 5 years old, I am so proud!

So here I was standing outside the the dole office having a ciggy, not feeling very attractive with my big 6 months whale belly, when this gorgeous lad comes up to me. " Alreight there me duck, you looking well fit today, Fancy a night out rand here this Sat'dy then or what laa?"he says. The swag on this dude was so mint I weren't about to say na like! He told me I did not have ta worry about money coz he had just done a job on Primark and made a few quid on it.

That Saturday night I made sure I wore me sexiest dress, the white one, coz it looks really sexy when I put my Playboy Black thong on, the teasing look is super hot on a first date and I knew it would get him steamin' for it.

Our Tesco went out on t'rob for neight and Asda babysat Snafu and Morrison for me, she is a good girl, she been ace babysitting, done it since she was 7 bless her. Good job that she has anall na coz she is 13 and preggers with her second. She can't get her own house til she gets to 16 like, so she bunks up with my lot. Love my little granddaughter McKayla Lexus Krystal anyway so no harm done hey?


My nerves were getting the better of me so I had a cheeky Vodka and Red Bull before he met me at The Rhino, I had wanted to meet in The Angel but he said he wanted to shift some nicked razor blades in't Rhino before we went out dancing like. He didn't show up until I was on my third drink, bless him he shifted that gear so fast, he is a pro at moving gear, so proud of him!

By the time we got to High Bar I could hardly walk, seeing as the pub Snafu had such good memories for me, what with our kid being conceived there, we walked back down and I sorted him out behind the fire escape of Snafu. So romantic being in the same place I had been 5 years before. The bouncers came out and caught us, so we were hauled out the back and thrown out down the street. We didn't care, we were living it large and it were well funny when everyone saw my man still had himself showing. He hadn't had time to put it away when the bouncer punched him. Guess he forgot about it when he was too busy glassing the mouthy one over the head.

We decided we would grab a last one at Yates and then get a taxi home, so off we headed. Everything was going lovely until I threw up, Red Bull really gives ya heartburn when you are pregnant. Me man weren't bothered and gave me a big snog to make me feel better, told me he would still do me coz ma melons still looked great in that dress, spew or no spew on it. I reckon that is when I proper fell for him actually, I mean how romantic and caring does a man get?

When we got to Yates' they wouldn't let us in, they said we were both a big state, me with sick down me dress and him with a bit of a bloody nose from nutting one of the bouncers before. We was on our way next door to get a taxi but I were bursting for a pee and the taxi rank hasn't got a bog in it, so I nipped over road, with my man carrying ma shoes for me. I found these bushes and relieved mesen, only to stand up and find me man being pinned back by two coppers. Wish I had stayed down now but too late coz they had already spotted me. That was the last I saw of him, we were both banged up, one of the coppers had recognized him from the Primark cctv.

That was 3 weeks ago now and I can't find him anywhere, I don't even know what his name is but I know I love him. I keep checking the " In court" section of the Rotherham Record and I KNOW I will see him again one day. He will always be My Man!


I hope you like my spoof.

Rotherham is based on the edge of South Yorkshire in the UK and has a very strong dialect. Any spelling errors you think have occurred are likely to be a narrative of that dialect. I do hope you have enjoyed my satirical creative writing.

Here is a video on the Dialect around Rotherham.

Do you live near anywhere where this spoof is sadly true?

Submit a Comment

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    6 years ago from UK

    Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.

    My own websites never seem to get passed a page long, really need to organize myself better.

  • tussin profile image

    I'M BANNED Y'ALL!!!!!!!!!! 

    6 years ago from Behind You

    lol, man you ought to put these up on your own website, too funny!

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    6 years ago from UK

    Haha, well, I suppose it gives us something to laugh about. Cheers me up, I just think, wow, " How did they get to sound so bad"?

  • Alastar Packer profile image

    Alastar Packer 

    6 years ago from North Carolina

    Ha Ddraigcoch. You ought to hear some of the accents 'round hare!'

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    6 years ago from UK

    Thank you Alastar and I agree, you can really see the Nordic style accent in the "olde Yorkshire" accent. I still don't understand some of them with the really strong accents and I have been here 18 years now.

  • Alastar Packer profile image

    Alastar Packer 

    6 years ago from North Carolina

    Did enjoy it Dd, nice piece of creative fiction. Wonderful use of vernacular in the story. The vid with Mr Bilby is a good reminder of the Viking forbearers in that area, too.

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    6 years ago from UK

    I don't live that far from Rotherham, Brett. I moved a bit further away a decade ago, yet have a similar area in the other direction.

    I can't wait for something to change, I am fed up of the people like this and I am only 32. By the time I am 50 I am going to be one moody woman, haha.

    Thank you for your support on the share also.x

  • Brett.Tesol profile image

    Brett Caulton 

    6 years ago from Asia

    Very funny and a scary reminder of what life is like for many in the UK ... been outa the scene for a while, but this is not actually far off reality in some areas ha ha.

    Shared, up and funny.

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    6 years ago from UK

    Thank you Sue.

    Pulling that quote shows me you get exactly the kind of character my jibe was aimed at. Oh, lordy some people need some common sense.

  • profile image

    Sueswan 

    6 years ago

    Hi Ddraigcoch

    "That was 3 weeks ago now and I can't find him anywhere, I don't even know what his name is but I know I love him" LOL

    A great spoof

    Voted up across the board

    Take care :)

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    6 years ago from UK

    Plenty of those type where I live Mazzy, yet plenty of good kids to keep our hopes up.

    It is a shame that they can not see they don't need to live that way, they have no pride, no real pride.

  • Mazzy Bolero profile image

    Mazzy Bolero 

    6 years ago from the U.K.

    Great fun to read, Ddraigcoch. Sadly, some truth at the bottom of it. I used to work in a youth club on a rough estate and when a boy didn't turn up, his girlfriend would explain, "He's inside." But she would say it with pride!

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    6 years ago from UK

    Thank you Cyndi, some dialects here are just as difficult to understand verbally if someone is extremely guttural. If I have brought a smile to your day, that is all I wanted, a good giggle can change one's path for the day .x

  • Cyndi10 profile image

    Cynthia B Turner 

    6 years ago from Georgia

    This is a funny story! The dialect (I had to read some lines twice), the storyline - how great was that? What a character your "heroine" is. Thanks for an enjoyable read this morning.

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    6 years ago from UK

    Thank you for a lovely compliment LaThing. I forgot my audience is mainly US based and may not know of Tesco as yeah, that is the joke. Be like an American calling their kid Walmart,lol.

    I kept it close to the truth as that is where I wanted the Satyr to come from. Thank you so much for sharing also, I need all the help I can get.x

  • LaThing profile image

    LaThing 

    6 years ago from From a World Within, USA

    Very well written, and had a few laugh! You are very creative, enjoyed reading..... Like the part about naming the kids, here in the US we don't have Tesco, and Asda.... (these are stores, guys!), lol.... This was funny, yet quite true, sad! Enjoyed the read.... Voting up, and sharing.

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    6 years ago from UK

    I am sincerely flattered over the compliments. Thank you for your support Phoenix and I am glad you enjoyed reading this spoof.

  • phoenix2327 profile image

    Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon 

    6 years ago from United Kingdom

    This was a fab piece of writing. The characters are so real and the situations are, sadly, not uncommon these days. Love to see what you come up with next.

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    6 years ago from UK

    Bless you, what a compliment( I think, hehe). If I was like this girl or any like her, I would take myself to a field and do the world a justice by shooting myself!

    I keep writing other stuff when maybe I should look in to my creativity a bit more/

  • hawaiianodysseus profile image

    Hawaiian Odysseus 

    6 years ago from Southeast Washington state

    Oh, my goodness, you had me believing...I was that sucked up into your creative drama. Well done! Liked, tweeted, and pinned, and voted up and straight across the board!

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    6 years ago from UK

    You are welcome, oh wow it is so hard to stay clean cut with language whilst creating a bad image, hehe.

    You certainly did get that correct and I am very " chuffed ta bits" with your comment as I have never done anything like this before.

    I loved finding the Youtube video also because it mixes up really old and new dialects of Rotherham.

  • innerspin profile image

    Kim Kennedy 

    6 years ago from uk

    That were reet grand! (Hope I said that correctly.) A seriously funny hub, I had a rather gruesome mental image while reading. Thanks you for the laughs.

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