5 Years,still More Tears

Fifth anniversary of my brothers death

Still to this day,I can't catch my breath

We didn't always get in,lots of fights

Gave my mother many sleepless nights

Some days we liked each other

Some days couldn't look at each other

Deep down I know he'd always be there

If I was ever in trouble,I knew he'd care

Come to my rescue,fight the good fight

Often ending up looking a sight.

Had my back when I stepped over the line

I could always rely on him,might be a sign.

I miss him dearly,he was my saving grace

Often at his peril,he would often lose face.

Pride meant nothing,it didn't matter at all

Rather help his brother,than watch him fall.

No one at my side,most of my family departed

Each time it got harder,left me broken hearted.

i still remember the day I found my brother dead.ive never been stuck for words ever,but I was that day.i don't know what I thought when I first found him,I thought he might be winding me up as he knew I was due to visit.he was often known for his pranks.Unfortunately for me it wasn't a wind up,it was the real thing.i called an ambulance,they instructed me what to do.i followed every instruction to the letter.i sat for nearly fifteen minutes alone with him till the Ambulance came.i spoke to him,I told him how angry I was at not seeing him before he passed,I was convinced he could still hear me.Then the ambulance guy chapped the door,they ushered me away from the body in to another room.i was quizzed for around an hour by Police and other authorities regarding how I came to find him.a bit of nuisance to say the least.After all this,I went home and was left with my thoughts,then I cried a lot.

i play it over

each night in my head

how I came to find

my big brother dead.

no rhyme nor reason

no excuses no facts

no falsehoods,no fakes

just down to brass tacks.

i mull over and over

could I have helped in any way

did I neglect my brotherly duties

i cant really say.

i crossed all the t's,dotted all the i's

i still hear all the families cries.

never ending torment,

visions trouble me still

when I remember his body

i still get a chill.

i often think if I could have done anything better.my brother and I weren't always close,I knew he was there if I ever needed him,and vice versa.I would visit when I could,often my own family commitments took precedence over everything else in my life.I think that'd the right way to go about your daily family business,never to short change your kids when it comes to emotional and physical help when needed.i don't know if normal family things got in the way of me being closer to my brother,I don't think so ,at least I hope not.I can hear my brother now,he wouldn't have had it any other way.Thats the way family life should be run,unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way in reality.we do what we do ,as the saying goes.we all try our best ,hopefully that's enough.

Who's left behind,

once Thomas passed on

Donna,Connor

and the oldest Sean.

Then there's Karen

his ever loyal girl friend

she was loyal to the end

his needs she would tend.

washed and cleaned

all of his mess

after Thomas passed

could see her distress.

times passed on

lives move at speed

im there for the kids

i can attend to their needs.

if Thomas was here now,wow he'd be a proud father.His son Sean successful in his job,his son Connor recently employed,and doing great.And not to forget Donna,soon to be a Mum for the first time.Thomas as a grandad,it doesn't bare thinking about.He would initially be in shock,but I think he'd settle in to the role with no problem.He would be the dotting and devoted grandad.He would always be there for last minute babysitting duties.And as a banker for loans from the bank of grandad.As a stop gap ,so to speak when ever Donna needed a break.The tragedy is he will never see any of these wonderful happenings past and future to come.I hope he's watching from on high,and protecting his family as only he knew how.

Thomas had his ups and downs in life,he wasn't always an angel,he did have regular brushes with the law.i remember the local Police being regular visitors at my childhood home.And the proceeding screening matches between him and my Mum.It was as if a war had broken out in our local town.I would hear cursing and smashing of plates,it was a regular occurrence. It proceeded to worsen over the years,until my Mum and Thomas seemed to drift apart to a certain extent.it was heartbreaking to watch,knowing I couldn't intervene.I had to sit back and watch the two of them verbally and sometimes physically tearing shreds of off each other.It was all part and parcel of our upbringing.it was normal life for me and my family.we didn't complain,we just got on with it.that was the way of most people in our situation growing up in the 1970s in Scotland.Not always a rich life,but definitely a feeling of being part of a warm family unit was enough for us all.

in closing,I definitely have missed Thomas these past five years.We didn't always get on,sometimes our relationship was quite brutal.Other times it was quite scary,then often great.When he was loving,you couldn't have wished for a better brother.But when he was angry,he wasn't the sort of guy you crossed if at all possible.I suppose what I'm trying to say is,our brotherly relationship was for Scotland,quite a normal one.Some days we loved each other,others we bordered on hatred for each other.Some people might say that's just family life summed up.one things for sure,I will miss him.no more poetry till ten years Thomas,love you.