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5 Years,still More Tears

Updated on August 11, 2015

Time Passes Quickly,not Always Fun.

Fifth anniversary of my brothers death

Still to this day,I can't catch my breath

We didn't always get in,lots of fights

Gave my mother many sleepless nights

Some days we liked each other

Some days couldn't look at each other

Deep down I know he'd always be there

If I was ever in trouble,I knew he'd care

Come to my rescue,fight the good fight

Often ending up looking a sight.

Had my back when I stepped over the line

I could always rely on him,might be a sign.

I miss him dearly,he was my saving grace

Often at his peril,he would often lose face.

Pride meant nothing,it didn't matter at all

Rather help his brother,than watch him fall.

No one at my side,most of my family departed

Each time it got harder,left me broken hearted.

I still remember,can't forget.

i still remember the day I found my brother dead.ive never been stuck for words ever,but I was that day.i don't know what I thought when I first found him,I thought he might be winding me up as he knew I was due to visit.he was often known for his pranks.Unfortunately for me it wasn't a wind up,it was the real thing.i called an ambulance,they instructed me what to do.i followed every instruction to the letter.i sat for nearly fifteen minutes alone with him till the Ambulance came.i spoke to him,I told him how angry I was at not seeing him before he passed,I was convinced he could still hear me.Then the ambulance guy chapped the door,they ushered me away from the body in to another room.i was quizzed for around an hour by Police and other authorities regarding how I came to find him.a bit of nuisance to say the least.After all this,I went home and was left with my thoughts,then I cried a lot.

Brother above all else.

Over and over.

i play it over

each night in my head

how I came to find

my big brother dead.

no rhyme nor reason

no excuses no facts

no falsehoods,no fakes

just down to brass tacks.

i mull over and over

could I have helped in any way

did I neglect my brotherly duties

i cant really say.

i crossed all the t's,dotted all the i's

i still hear all the families cries.

never ending torment,

visions trouble me still

when I remember his body

i still get a chill.

True words.

Advice for all.

i often think if I could have done anything brother and I weren't always close,I knew he was there if I ever needed him,and vice versa.I would visit when I could,often my own family commitments took precedence over everything else in my life.I think that'd the right way to go about your daily family business,never to short change your kids when it comes to emotional and physical help when needed.i don't know if normal family things got in the way of me being closer to my brother,I don't think so ,at least I hope not.I can hear my brother now,he wouldn't have had it any other way.Thats the way family life should be run,unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way in reality.we do what we do ,as the saying goes.we all try our best ,hopefully that's enough.

Who grieves?

Who's left behind,

once Thomas passed on


and the oldest Sean.

Then there's Karen

his ever loyal girl friend

she was loyal to the end

his needs she would tend.

washed and cleaned

all of his mess

after Thomas passed

could see her distress.

times passed on

lives move at speed

im there for the kids

i can attend to their needs.

If he was here now.

if Thomas was here now,wow he'd be a proud father.His son Sean successful in his job,his son Connor recently employed,and doing great.And not to forget Donna,soon to be a Mum for the first time.Thomas as a grandad,it doesn't bare thinking about.He would initially be in shock,but I think he'd settle in to the role with no problem.He would be the dotting and devoted grandad.He would always be there for last minute babysitting duties.And as a banker for loans from the bank of grandad.As a stop gap ,so to speak when ever Donna needed a break.The tragedy is he will never see any of these wonderful happenings past and future to come.I hope he's watching from on high,and protecting his family as only he knew how.

Not always an Angel.

Thomas had his ups and downs in life,he wasn't always an angel,he did have regular brushes with the law.i remember the local Police being regular visitors at my childhood home.And the proceeding screening matches between him and my Mum.It was as if a war had broken out in our local town.I would hear cursing and smashing of plates,it was a regular occurrence. It proceeded to worsen over the years,until my Mum and Thomas seemed to drift apart to a certain was heartbreaking to watch,knowing I couldn't intervene.I had to sit back and watch the two of them verbally and sometimes physically tearing shreds of off each other.It was all part and parcel of our was normal life for me and my family.we didn't complain,we just got on with it.that was the way of most people in our situation growing up in the 1970s in Scotland.Not always a rich life,but definitely a feeling of being part of a warm family unit was enough for us all.

A love of its own.

Life now compared to life back in 1970-1980.

Which era did you feel more safe in?

See results

In closing.

in closing,I definitely have missed Thomas these past five years.We didn't always get on,sometimes our relationship was quite brutal.Other times it was quite scary,then often great.When he was loving,you couldn't have wished for a better brother.But when he was angry,he wasn't the sort of guy you crossed if at all possible.I suppose what I'm trying to say is,our brotherly relationship was for Scotland,quite a normal one.Some days we loved each other,others we bordered on hatred for each other.Some people might say that's just family life summed things for sure,I will miss more poetry till ten years Thomas,love you.


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    • Kiss andTales profile image

      Kiss andTales 

      3 years ago

      You are welcome and I pray that your days will be more of confort from these promises the Heavenly Father has made to us all.

    • bigj1969 profile imageAUTHOR

      John Marshall 

      3 years ago from glasgow

      Thanks for the lovely passage,kiss andtales.

    • Kiss andTales profile image

      Kiss andTales 

      3 years ago

      As I was reading the post of remembrance

      I want to bring some confort to let you know , the greatest pain in the heart is is to lose some one that is attached to your own heart.

      What had greatly helped me is to remember just as you have come to know your loved ones , The heavenly Father has a perfect memory he remembers all those asleep in death.


      Joh 5:28Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice

      Joh 5:29 and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, and those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment.

      Isa 26:19“Your dead will live. My corpses will rise up. Awake and shout joyfully, You residents in the dust! For your dew is as the dew of the morning, And the earth will let those powerless in death come to life.

      Isa 25:8 He will swallow up death forever, And the Sovereign Lord Jehovah will wipe away the tears from all faces. The reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth, For Jehovah himself has spoken it.

      A promise he has given us.

      Heb 10:36 For you need endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the fulfillment of the promise.

      Tit 1:2and is based on a hope of the everlasting life that God, who cannot lie, promised long ago;

      We have his promise , we also know it is impossible for him to lie.

      We will see our loved ones again.

    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 

      3 years ago from California

      Sad write. Sometimes the more complicated the relationship, the more complicated the grief

    • bigj1969 profile imageAUTHOR

      John Marshall 

      3 years ago from glasgow

      Thanks LadyFiddler again for your lovely comments.

    • LadyFiddler profile image

      Joanna Chandler 

      3 years ago from On planet Earth

      Well i thank God that you are better off than the past five years...I think you know we all know we/they'll all have to go some time or the other.

      But the seperation is not easy to digest, knowing a person just disappeared of the earth and left everything.

      I wept bitterly a two hours ago for my grandmother , i am glad she doesn't have to suffer no more but it's very hard accepting she's gone.

      I still think that she wasn't dead when we buried her :( how could my granny die and go and leave me? My reason for living doesn't have no meaning anymore.

      I pray God makes my burden lighter...

    • bigj1969 profile imageAUTHOR

      John Marshall 

      3 years ago from glasgow

      Yes LadyFiddler,it was very hard to deal Doctor diagnosed me with PTSD,but things are on the up now thankfully.

    • LadyFiddler profile image

      Joanna Chandler 

      3 years ago from On planet Earth

      You are welcome i gue yours was very traumatic meeting your brother dead. It must have been pretty scary and sad.

      If you believe in God. May He comfort you and make each year lighter for you ;)

      Take care of yourself

    • bigj1969 profile imageAUTHOR

      John Marshall 

      3 years ago from glasgow

      Thanks LadyFiddler for the nice comment.losing a loved one is tragic for anyone,it's how you recover from this is what makes you stronger.

    • LadyFiddler profile image

      Joanna Chandler 

      3 years ago from On planet Earth

      Hey buddy i feel your pains... My brother died when he was 5yrs old it's fifteen years since and i miss him dearly. I write him poems sometimes.

      But recently the most devastating death of all was that of my Grandmother she turned 83yrs old on June 27th and took in the day after and she died on the 7th of July 2015 nobody knows the sadness and grief i feel inside.

      My granny wasn't always perfect but i loved her beyond words can ever describe...I'll never forget her as long as I live.


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