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6 Qualities to look for in a Man
Do you need a man?
We all do. None of us can get along completely alone. A man comes in very handy. This unique compendium of man-qualities will help you identify precisely what works and what doesn't. We're here to help: you're here to read our help.
Note: what you do with the men you find is beyond the scope of this helpful article. We don't care and we don't want to care. Men are not caring nurturing sentient beings and we aren't about to start now. Read on, but don't be disappointed..
1. Wears Clothes
The vast majority of self-respecting men wear clothes and many of them get their togs from eBay. Look online for literal cornucopias of new and used outerwear upon which you can bid. Men particularly prefer shirts and pants, especially if they match and certainly if they fit properly.
It is often said "clothes make the man", but actually it is more accurate to say "men made those clothes and loaded them into trucks to be sold on-sale at Kohl's. Over a long weekend, while most of us are lounging in clothes, many men are making clothes.
Hot tip: men do not prefer overly complicated contrivances attached to their outer clothing. To that end, keep it simple. An embroidered emblem above the left breast suffices. Avoid combinations of colors that could be used to signal passing ships or stop traffic on Hollywood Boulevard.
2. Uses Tools
Original cavemen used stone tools that they picked up inside the cave, probably. Engaging in online bidding activities held little interest for these folks: the broadband connection was constantly chewed-through by pterodactyls.
Modern dudes know which way a screw turns and how to identify the proper blade for a cross-cut. They use tools like no other gender. You can help them by providing quality turning, shaping, cutting, measuring, and assembling devices.
3. Wields an iPhone
if you want a man to call you, give him your number. If he doesn't call, give him an iPhone with your number programmed into it. If he persists in remaining incommunicado, drop him like a hot rock because he's still a caveman who might be good with tools but can't be trusted with modern technology.
Modern males maintain digital communications via hip iPhones. That loser with the Android phone standing in the corner by himself playing Angry Birds... don't mess with him.
4. Understands Football
Yes, the man for which you look knows something about football. He can explain the vagaries of zone-blocking vs man-blocking. He knows which coaches are soon to be fired. He played the game in high school and to this day relives the glory of The Big Game if you give him half a chance to do so.
Don't settle for a dude that can't tackle. You don't want a punter or a bench-warmer.
5. Cares about the Earth
Connect yourself with a man who connects himself to Mother Earth. He should drive a Prius made from recycled bamboo bicycles. He must compost the thank-you letters he receives from his volunteer work with Greenpeace. He probably has a solar-powered flashlight and numerous free-range chickens in his fallow backyard. His hair products are all natural.
Many women also care about the Earth but that issue is beyond the scope of this article. Someday you may wake up to learn that I have composed an article enumerating what women want, and on that day pigs will fly out of my compost heap.
6. Gets Monty Python
Classic humor is the hallmark of a true man. Your ideal man's manly qualities must include deep and abiding understanding of all Monty Python productions, except Life Of Brian, which was really stupid.
If a potential man laughs at the Ministry of Funny Walks, grab him and don't let go. If your man can explain why a rabbit lunging at the necks of unsuspecting knights seeking a Holy Grail, that's your dude. See, some of them just stare blankly at BBS reruns, longing for Downton Abbey or World News. You don't want to mess with those fellows.
Every man should boast a sense of humor. Monty Python represents a baseline from which all humor stems. If you don't get it, get a man to explain it to you. Feeling left out around the water cooler is never a good thing.