Lemon County: Perfectly Fine...

I am far from being the first to comment on this. Steve Martin in “LA Story” did it perfectly. Now, coming from an island where there are just three topics of conversation (weather, health, and football - the kind based on not picking the ball up,) the weather in Lemon County would appear to be a very limited topic.

Au Contraire...

In England the weather changes by the minute. Any weather event lasting more than five hours has a name. Not raining for five hours is a drought. Sun visible for five hours is a heat wave. Snow on the ground for five hours brings the entire country to a standstill. Anything lasting twenty-four hours is a crisis, requiring politicians to trade witty barbs in parliament.

The LC weather requires a different mindset. Any form of moisture is newsworthy, and will push car chases and murders into immediate second place. Only fire trumps moisture, in fact, the LC has a designated season for fires.

99.9% of days are similar, regardless of the time of year. The marine layer, a cloud that commutes, between Catalina Island and the LC coast, on a daily basis, burns off by ten. Temperatures then rise past the requisite 78 degrees, and then plummet, once the sun goes down, to below 68 degrees.

It is a challenge to know what to wear, what with such extremes, but, fear not, there are immediate solutions. If you get too hot, you go inside something. It will be air conditioned to 72 degrees. If you get cold, you light one of the several million patio heaters, located wherever one or more gather.

This allows LC residents to wear whatever, whenever, and is, possibly, the very best thing about living here. For guys, this means Hawaiian shirt, shorts and Rainbow sandals. Unfortunately, the dress rules of employers, actual or implied, mean that many can only wear the above clothing in off-duty hours. Those that can wear the shirt-short-sandal combo all the time, flaunt it, big time.

So, not hard to figure out what I'm wearing right now....

If you are not from the LC, some common-usage words may need clarification. Freezing, for example, means any temperature below 65 degrees. You can tell when it is freezing by looking at the nearest group of young girls. The flimsy top and the tiny shorts, tell you nothing. That is simply every-day wear. If the arms are crossed in breast presentation mode, it could be "freezing". The give-away is footwear. Sandals, flip-flops or bare feet indicate " not freezing". Ugg boots means "freezing".

Humidity is another word with different meaning. On the East Coast, those days where everyone looks like they have just stepped out of a shower, with all hair and clothing unattractively plastered to sweaty bodies, that's the traditional version of humidity. In the LC, humidity is a problem in the five to ten percent range. The above girls would declare loudly that they are "boiling", and would dash to the nearest yogurt emporium to replenish their vital fluids. The over eighteens swarm into the nearest Buckstars and drown a venti iced frappamochawhatsit or three.

We are spoiled. We know it. But there are days when it is not perfect. Actual days when the backyard barbecue, or beach picnic, are not exactly a picnic. The aforementioned moisture from the sky, events can be a problem, but, the worst phenomena, linked somehow with both fire season and the primary cause of earthquakes, are the Santa Ana's.

This phenomenon makes the wind blow in the wrong direction. This hell on earth scenario is somehow the fault of illegal aliens in the town of the same name, though I have yet to figure the logistics of that. These winds are dry. They have negative 100% humidity and turn unwary citizens into dried up cadavers. There is only one way to combat the evil of the "Santa Ana's,", which is to carry two gallons of water on your person at all time.

And you thought we all carried water bottles for fun...

If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris