A Little Bit Psychic
Just when you thought it was safe to trust a psychic again
A LITTLE BIT PSYCHIC
So....I was sitting in this cafe in Gillingham again....you know the one? Macerated housefly stuck to the menu in the window.....bottles of 'kepchup' on the tables...cartoon-circuses visually paraphrased on unwashed table-cloth. Suddenly....this girl walked in. Pardon me for the poetic liberty...she didn't actually walk in suddenly....that would have just drawn unwanted attention to herself had she walked in suddenly. I'm just trying to draw you...the reader...into the story...and if I am prone to exaggeration then so be it. So yeah...I'm sat at Table 9...when this girl....nice-looking girl...probably a Libran...calmy and deliberately...walked over to and sat down at Table 8. Well....to be honest...and this is no exaggeration now...she was more than a nice-looking girl...she was very very beautiful. The lines of her delicate face could have been traced in sand by a tamed sheep or goat nomad in the swirling dusty winds of the Sahara Desert. Nice tits as well! I knew that this could be the girl for me when she ordered the fish meal on a Thursday...no qualms. A beautiful rebel. Did I tell you it was a Thursday?
I took a slug of my Ribena...the blackcurrants are 100% grown on New Zealand farms.
'I expect you're having a hectic day?' I asked....knowing that I had to start a conversation with her....knowing that this was one butterfly I could not let fly away.
'How would you know that then?' she replied
That's it....I'd caught her in my net.
'I'm a little bit psychic'
A short pause ensued and I was wondering if I'd got off to a good start.
'So...if you're psychic...what's my name?'
'Well...I won't rush straight in with the answer to that' I replied...favorably....'because that would mean I've peaked too soon....does it rhyme with something in our close vicinity?'
'If I guess your name and impress you further with an example of my psychic abilities will you come out with me for a drink one evening?
'Sure' she replied.
'Your name could be....Nina....Georgina or Sheena' I said
'It could also be Sarah...Emily or Crystal' she said
'Cod and chips with peas' said the sprightly waiter as he plonked her meal next to the 'kepchup' bottle
'Are you enjoying the Ribena, Sir? he said...to me....with resolute proprietary intention
'Yes' I replied. 'Every Ribena product is a rich source of vitamin C.....and I find that very encouraging'
'Katrina....Marina or Selina'
I hate Ribena....but you get nowhere drinking Irn Bru!!!
That Kepchup Bottle
'Your name is Valentina.....you work in a book-shop' I said...suddenly
I was right
On both counts
'How the heck did you know that?'
See.....I told you i was right. That's me speaking to you...the reader...not to Valentina.
The lines on her brow furrowed. The Sahara had never looked so alluring.
Long endless miles of sand dunes and scorching heat mixed with the sand vipers, scorpions, and monitor lizards that can only come from falling in love with a girl called Valentina in a back-street cafe in Gillingham.
Except it's not in a back-street...it's on the top road....I think they call it Watling Street. Go check it out....but don't look for me....or for Valentina....or for the rich source of vitamin C that is Ribena. (calls agent....how much are GlaxoSmithKline paying me for promoting this fkn drink?)
Don't look for us...we are long gone.
This was Thursday....10th January 2013.
I'm at home now...drinking Strongbow...and licking my wounds after the late Spurs equalizer
I got my date with Valentina....cos I proved my psychic abilities...here's how I convinced her....let's go back to that Ribena-sodden Thursday.
'What I shall do then, Valentina, is write a little poem for you' I said...as I pulled out my notebook.
If it rings any bells...and has any element of psychic truth about it...then my date with you is assured...yeah?'
She was smitten
I wrote a poem...as she watched my fingers make the Biro Paso Doble across the Wilko notepad.
I looked across the table...into her eyes
I pulled a parcel from my bag
The fish and chips were cold now
Though she had eaten the peas
'This is a parcel from my Aunt Millie' I said
It's my Christmas present from her....I just picked it up today. It's obviously a book...but I have no idea what the book is about. It's still wrapped up. For my Aunt Millie, a big part of the pleasure of giving a loved one a gift is in the wrapping. She's nice...but senile'
I looked into Valentina's eyes. She smiled....the lines on her face moved...as if the jackals and several types of hyenas had come out to play with the other carnivores that roam the Sahara.
Valentina was beautiful
Her nose was a bit offset....but that could be corrected
I looked into her eyes.....and this is what I said:
'I see a young person in a hole underground...hiding from troubles in this world. I see the roots of the trees from the forest above...spreading through the ground like cancered invasive tentacles...intent on crushing and suffocating the dreams of that young crouching person.There's a skeleton of an animal nearby...underground...depicting the death of the young person's dreams. Above all though....literally...I see a large scooping hand...a helping hand....reaching into the hole in the ground....saving this wretched young person from the futility of their condemned dreams and breathing life into new plans for the future. It's a picture of optimism'
Valentina looked at me in a daft way.
I didn't care
'So.....look at this pile of coins on the table' I said
'Add up the monetary value'
Valentina clinked and clacked as she counted the coins.
''Thirty-eight pence' she said
She was right.
Two ten pences....three five pences....a two and a one.
I ripped at the wrapping-paper on the package that Aunt Millie had so lovingly assembled.
'It's a book...well....I kinda knew it was a book' I said
'Paintings by Nancy Kavanagh' she exclaimed 'Who's that?
'Well....I don't know....probably one of my Aunt Millie's favourite artists'
'Right....let's see how my psychic powers are....remember my vision...the 'young person in a hole' scenario?'
'And what was the number of those coins in monetary denomination?'
I pushed the book towards Valentina
'Go to page thirty-eight' I said...smugly
She opened the book at page thirty-eight....and.....lo and behold (whatever that means)...the picture stared us in the face
'Ha ha' said Valentina 'You messed up there...it is nothing like your vision'
'Ah well....I tried....do I still get my date with you?'
'No....it has to be right....and you got it wrong'
The waiter took the cod and chips away
I finished the Ribena
The Ribena syrup range of products have always been and still are a rich source of vitamin C.
'Oh....hold on...here's another ten pence piece' I said....as I dragged the coin from under a kepchup bottle
'That makes Forty-eight.....go to page forty-eight
Valentina's Saharitic lines seemed to stretch over areas of Northern Africa, from the Red Sea to the areas close to the outskirts of the Atlantic Ocean...as she smiled at the picture on page forty-eight
My victory was almost complete
Valentina looked stunned
'But what about the poem?' she asked
I opened up the Wilkos notepad and read the poem to her:
'Oh little girl with eye-patch black and the meat of the animals at the back....pigs and chickens and rabbits and beef...don't let this romance come to grief. Expose your heart and I will take...the riches within...protein and steak.....so let's embark on this wonderful trip....please come aboard my dead animal ship'
My victory was complete. My date with the astonishingly beautiful Valentina....with the wonky nose...was won.
Of course....I didn't tell her that she had been wearing her name-badge all along
'Valentina- WH Smith'
I also omitted to tell her that Aunt Millie didn't exist
Why should I tell her that I have carried the 'Paintings by Nancy Kavanagh' book around for years...waiting for the right moment when a beautiful girl from the desert would come into my life?
Valentina will never know that I am NOT a little bit psychic
I'm just me....and when you are just you.....you have the make the best of what you can engineer in life.
My best wishes to you all.....might see you in the cafe one day xxxx
Do you believe in love at first sight
NOTE FROM ANDY (AUTHOR)
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