A Story Unfolds

Hi Audrey, this was a beautifully written piece you have such a gift! thanks for this delicate snapshot showing life intertwining. Well done have missed your poetry.

Very nice poem, the garden does need the same care and feeding as our physical bodies -- and our souls.

There is a lovely moral in there somewhere, Audrey. Thanks for reminding us.

Hi Audrey - I like this.

Very talented.

Hello Audrey :-) Firstly, I appreciate the poetic sharing with the simplicity of gardening bringing such delights as the amazement of life lived with its complexity. As a gardener I too experience what is shared. I strongly recommend a moment of pause reading with your sharing . . . maybe longer pondering seeking the treasures hidden within each of us.

tim

It's an interesting concept that some people and parts of our life can be pruned back. Makes me smile. Much enjoyed!

Okay Audrey: You know--if you don't, you aren't paying attention--how deeply I respect your work. You are hands-down one of the top poets anywhere on the net. But with performance at that level comes a price--when your Muse sputters a bit, nerds like me are all over it. And a lonnnnnng time ago, in a masochistic moment, you said you wanted me to be hard on your work . So I'm just doing my job.

It's pretty clear by the end of this brief piece where it is trying to go, what it is trying to do. Whether the opening is a successful launch might be another story. Now, before the more impassioned of your fans jump all over me for rewriting your poem to MY liking--uh-uh. All I'm doing below is getting into the text of the poem , turning, and looking back out at the reader (and at the poet) and asking some questions that arise FROM the text. There's no 'right' or 'wrong' in my heart or mind.....just some questions for you to do with what you will.

STANZA 1 --

life's scenery shifts focus............metaphoric transfer could be clearer.

like set changes in a blackout......If sets change IN the blackout, where

cue lights....................................do the LIGHTS come in? Oh! 'cue'

and another story piece unfolds..means we're back 'ONstage' (actual set

and moves offstage.....................HAS changed)...but wait! now 'story'

end scene...................................is introduced. 'Story' is the action that

'unfolds' in FRONT OF the set. But it is not the set itself. But the metaphor announces its two parts are changes in life itself paralleled to SET changes. For the metaphor to be fully effective, should the terms not be drawn more precisely?

And I wonder if the metaphor might be stronger if 'then' were substituted for 'and' in "......and moves offstage". The conjunction makes the 'unfolding' part of the movement to the offstage. The intent of the metaphor, however, seems more like that of frames on a film strip. Life = scene...FLICK...new scene ...FLICK....new scene, and so on. If that is correct, THEN would produce a slightly greater separation and serve the interests of the metaphor better.

STANZA 2 --

my garden never seems to adhere..........If the garden NEVER adheres,

to these 10 minute explanations of life...why have the 'set change'

Its clock is longer,.................................metaphor at all? This stanza is

measured by months,............................untypically 'prosey', wh. tends

crowding out the tearful........................to break the potential spell cast

leaving space........................................by the stage metaphor in St.1.

for the simple;......................................In fact. the language here tends

watering, weeding,................................tends to break down its own

some pruning when needed..................metaphor, in that the change in

a seasonal garden is so slow, one might ask on that evidence alone

whether the 'scene change' metaphor is entirely appropriate here.

Perhaps an adjusted transition between the two would be worth considering? KB--I think "ten-minute" corrects for the hyphen and looks a little more elegant

STANZA 3 -- Here is the Audrey-strength of the poem! An affectionate, bemused reflection that--even as with the garden's more unruly tendencies, you might eagerly reach for those "moments" when you can snip out this or that aspect of your life--PERFECT transfer within the elements of the metaphor, and on various levels as well. This closing stanza pulls details of Stanza 2 forward and offers the subtlety and depth that we expect in your work. It rounds out the experience of the whole poem (excepting stanza 1) and invites the reader in, perhaps sharing a slight sardonic smile with the persona as both take a 'moment' to snip out another weed from their lives!

So, them's m'thoughts. If you agree that there might be a stumble of two in Stanza 1, you can probably deal with them with a word or phrase. I really ENJOYED this poem. I "got it", of course, and appreciated the insight.....as well as enjoying a smile with the persona. How often does one get THAT combination?

This is an interesting poem with thought provoking imagery, Audrey. I always enjoy reading your work.

Much discernment; wisdom-flowers in this your exquisite poem. Have a great week-end, Audrey.

Lovely poem. Good work again.

'Life is a stage...' as someone once said!!

Wonderful as always. You capture many aspects of life so well.

Ann

Mmmm…enjoyed…it's difficult to explain the depths. This is wonderfully thought-provoking, yet peacefully simple.