A Hard Day

quote from, "Winnetka Exit"  by:  Styles of Beyond

10 May 2011

Today was a very difficult day for me emotionally and mentally. My disinterest in money and the ways of this world is in constant struggle with the two most important reasons I am not now living in the mountains searching within not for the answer, or the why, why, why of this world but instead the truth of me. Everything else is as it is and will remain so. My sons, my babies. All I have to offer them is my Love and knowledge. It is so different from what they were used to. How do I give them the comforts of something I don't believe in? "Dollar dollar bill, more like ninety-nine cents...". I hope they take from me what they will and find their way, their path. Hopefully without the heartbreaking difficulties which are so unnecessarily common place. Am I so concerned with self that I have lost sight of selflessness? These days it seems so long ago when I understood self with a fish on a hook and my tires humming their enchanting Om. Happy when it rained. Washing the miles and weeks, the salt from my body. Watching as the clouds darken and crash into each other, waiting for the rain. Drops.

Some days riding through it, playing in the rain for the next sixty miles, blinded and stung by the rain on the downhills. Other days I would simply stand there and bathe in the downpour, smiling because of the moment, smiling at people their eyes full of confusion and wonder as the cars go by. They fly by and never know why. So this is my day, a day in the rain. A mind muddled with fears, self doubt, and a sadness in itself...I can not explain. My rain cloud is here so I decided to go bathe in play, washing away the miles and weeks, the salt from my soul. That is my true answer for today.