A poker face and a blank mind
Better to be NUMB than to feel it all
I think I'm lost. I don't understand myself now. What happened from the past and my yesterday's story line suddenly changed me. I don't know if I am just becoming strong? Or maybe because my heart is now numb? I am not that type of person that shares to other people my feelings, thoughts and plans. I work alone. I know it is a bad idea to become secretive. But I think other people doesn't even care about me. Well, we all mind our own businesses aren't we? So what's the point of explaining?
Nevertheless, I decided to write this hub. I just want to put my ideas and at the same time some of my feelings into writing. I am sick of keeping everything to myself. I know people need to express their feelings. And I won't expect for people to read this, understand me and help me. My readers may find me rude and full of pride, but no one knows my past, the things that I've been through that made me into someone whom I wasn't suppose to be. I was in pain and is continuously hurting, no one notices it because I always wear a smile or should I say "MASK". I have no choice. I have to look strong in front of many people. Even to myself, I know I'm down but I have to say to myself that I'm happy, I'm fine and that It's hurt. In behalf of all those bad feelings, I have to stay positive and strong. The fact that no one understands me is the reason why I need to keep myself intact. They can take everything from me but they cannot take away "ME"!
The sad part is.. I almost give up! I've changed. I've become a someone whom everyone might hate. I was full of anger, I was filled with sorrow. I don't know what to do! So I started to fight for myself and I don't want to become helpless again. I don't want to see myself being humiliated by those people who assumed that they know me. I learned to stand for myself but unfortunately, I ended up defending myself in a wrong way. I want to be happy, I don't deserve this. Life has become so unfair to me. I know that life here on earth is not full of joy always, sometimes we must experience failure but this is too much! These pain made me turn into a rock! I find it hard already to cry. It's like I have no water in my body that's why tears can't fall.
At least I'm ok still. Even though I am drowned but I can still breathe. I can still feel my heart pumping. At most times I wanted to die. I want these things to end. And what happened yesterday, made me realize something. "I have to move on!", "I won't accept defeat!", "In the end of the day, I will smile and I will win!"
I just need to find my self..
Am I strong? Or I become numb?
I woke up this morning and I wore a poker face. I should be lonely by now but I can't feel anything. I can't understand but it doesn't matter. At least I'm not crying, and don't hide in the dark. I know I'm sick of this life but I have to move on. So I opened my laptop and do some clicking stuffs in my PTC sites. I'd rather choose to invest in earning money that collecting tears right? But oops! I remembered, I can't cry any more. My bank of tears are now dry and empty. Then someone texted me. I opened my phone and the same message appeared in my screen. Just repeating his words last night. But I told him to text me no more cause I'll start a new life from now on. This is not just about love, but this is about life - MY LIFE! My 5 years was wasted! My dreams were all thrown away! My life was ruined! even me was ruined! And then, I'll be paid back with SORRY! Is he out of his small mind?
Let's just consider people like him as an experience. The damage was done and we cannot bring back the past. So now I have to face my future. Life is short! It is not necessary to spend the rest of my days begging! Happiness is just right here near me. And I just need to grab it.
My past did changed me a bit. But I am ready to move on now. I've been pushed to the ground many times before and I didn't even fought them back, not because I am weak and afraid of them, I just don't want to pick a fight. Aside from that, These people are not even important to me, I don't want to waste my time for them. Minding them is a nonsense, but I admit I was really affected by them. I have ears, and I can feel. Although I act numb all the time, I can still feel the pain. And I can't deny that. Too bad for me.
At times of HARDSHIPS, I make sure I'm STRONG then, I positively say "I'M FINE"
Am I handling my emotions correctly?
Am I doing it right? I mean, will I be happy in the end?
I was inspired with these quotes.. and I'll share this with everyone.
- “The most beautiful people I've known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.”
- “To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”
- “If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”
- “The weak fall, but the strong will remain and never go under!”
- “...no woman can love a weak man hard enough to make him strong.”
- “The harder you fall, the heavier your heart; the heavier your heart, the stronger you climb; the stronger you climb, the higher your pedestal.”
- “It's hard at times, but it makes a kid strong in ways that most people can't understand. Teaches them that even though people are left behind, new ones will inevitable take their place; that every place has something good - and bad - to offer. It makes a kid grow up fast.”
- “When we feel weak, we drop our heads on the shoulders of others. Don't get mad when someone does that. Be honnored. For that person trusted you enough to, even if subtly, ask you for help.”
I hope you guys are inspired too. Just keep on fighting and everything will be fine. It'll be very hard at first but the end of the road will be very joyful too. And don't forget to pray! Believe in Him all the time.