ALPHA DOG...by b. Malin

Dogs are no longer Dogs...They are "People" Dogs...and we have done this to them. Yes, they blame us, for they have LOST their Identity, and are starting to act like us. Doesn't this picture remind you of Us waiting patiently on line to use the "Restroom" at an event? They have Figured us out, and it's not always a pretty picture. So I thought to myself, I need to know what they are really thinking... and so what better way to find out, then to "Go to the Dogs".

So my first Interview is with a Dog named "Max". It doesn't matter his breed, in fact he'd preferred it that way.

(ME) Max, do you mind if i tag along with you and your owner as you take your walk?

(Max) Why would I care, I never get any privacy anyway...Tell me b. Malin, do you have privacy when you have to do your business...Mmm? I enjoy sniffing around, smelling things. The first tree is never the one I choose...I mean what's the hurry? Well, one day I'm going to just lift a Leg on one of my owners. You know what he said to her the other night? Want to do it "Doggie Style"? Then they closed the bedroom door shutting ME out...What's that expression suppose to mean anyway?

(Me) Ah, it's just an expression Max, it really doesn't mean anything.

(Max) Don't get me started on Expressions, Malin...I've heard so many..."Going to the Dogs", "It's a Dog Day Afternoon", "Dog Gone It"...Oh yeah, and this little Gem, "It's Raining Cats & Dogs"...actually that one scares me.

(Me) I can understand that. Tell me Max, what do you like about your owners?

(Max) They feed me really cool stuff, not just dog food... A little Steak, some Chicken, Lobster...and I get to watch some pretty good Movies. I cried when they rented "Marlee & Me"...But swear you won't tell anyone. They even took turns reading me that book, "Racing in the Rain" and now they say it's going to be a movie...That one will be a real tear jerker...I wonder who will get to play the Dog. Also when they go out, they actually ask me if I prefer the radio, or the TV. I "bark" once for the radio and twice for the TV. Well I guess all and all my life's pretty good. They even take me to "Pet Mart" and let me pick out a new toy every other week...Hey want to come home with me and see my Toys b. Malin?

(Me) No, I can't Max, I've got another interview with a Female Dog. But thank you so much for your time and patience...and for payment, I've got a nice Dog Bone for you to take home and enjoy. He silently takes it from my hand and gives me the tail as he walks away. I yell after him, "You're a true Alpha Dog, Max...a true Leader".

(Me) Hi Taffy, my you look so pretty with your little Matching Hat and Jacket, oh and boots too. She's a "Maltese".

(Taffy) Yes, I am what you'd call a "Pampered Pet" and I wouldn't have it any other way...I just love it! I get my Nails done...And once a week, I go for the complete works, shampoo, blow dry, and a new perfume smell. This week it's "Dogwood". I'm on a strict diet, but of course I still get some delicious treats. We go South every Winter to Boca, and spend our Summers in the Hamptons.

(Me) Why Taffy, you certainly lead quite the Life. Tell me, how old are you? If you don't mind me asking.

(Taffy) Excuse me b. You're asking my age? A Dog Lady does not tell her age...And that nonsense about adding 7 years on...Mmm, only a Human would think up that idea. Listen, I've got to run... I've got a Birthday Party to go to for my Friend Mindy...We bought her a Rhinestone Collar...I'm sure she's just going to Adore it. I really have enjoyed talking to you B. Let's do Lunch one day, I get taken to all the best of places...Call my Mistress, she'll set everything up, time and date. See you.

(Me) "Ok, Goodbye Taffy". I watched as they get into a Cab and are off to the party. Oh Darn, I think to myself as I reach into my pocket for the "Cookie Treat" her owner had told me Taffy would enjoy, I look down and shrug my shoulders, as I pop it into my mouth!