Am Ready for Love
Am not the best at loving... it's worse when it comes to being loved.
I don't just wanna get attached to someone to the point that that I lose my self should they decide to leave. I don't wanna start lying to someone that I have been thinking about them all day while what have been actually thinking about is getting myself back together.
. I don't wanna lie to someone that I haven't eaten for days because of them while I have been stuffing myself up like a kid in a candy store. I just don't want to let go of the me I am right now. I don't want to give someone hope about an "us" while I don't know where am at.
I don't wanna be that person who looks at them right in the face and make promises am sure am going to break.. Am not ready to lie while am sure am lying..
I don't want my heart getting mad at me too.
The thing is I don't really know what love is.. I don't how it's supposed to work like. All I know about it is from tales have read and some movies have watched. And honestly I don't get it still. It hasn't hit me just yet.
All I get is this picture of of happy people holding hands, looking at the stars together, smiling, hugging, saying " I love you. " and it still don't make sense to me.
I was happy back then.. There's been moments have been happy and am sure that wasnt love. It just happened that I was happy..
If I have loved before, i might have forgotten how love feels like ....
I honestly want people around me but am scared of hurting them. I forget easily, something about my memory has never been okay for as long as I can try to remember. My heart wants to beat for someone but I honestly don't know how to make it do that.
Sometimes my head will be like ," go for it. Try your luck . " and then after a few seconds it adds, " but be careful, I don't wanna be the reason they say you insane should you break down. "
I honestly can't say I have loved anybody so far. It's just been flings in and out, over and over and am back to being the me that talks to my pillows about a love I don't know.
Sometimes I actually question what's so great about smiles.. Is love really a thing? Does it just like fall out of heaven when you ready for it? Or is just a thing we force ourselves to believing?. .. What is this love?.
And have been in a situation lately. I find myself just smiling at the thought of you being happy.. The thought of you believing in love.. The thought of holding hands like little kids and not feeling weird about it. The thought of seeing you everyday and not growing tired of it.
The thought of me giving love a chance.
The thought of us trying to figure out if love is for us .
... The thought of me taking the chances my brain's been asking me to. The thought of me getting my heart to beat for you and you alone..
The thought of me not being alone.
... The thought of me not thinking of my own future but our future...
And have been having dreams about it. Have thought it over and over again. Have prayed that the heavens drop the love on me cause I think am ready to find out what it actually is..
I wanna know how love feels..
I want to love and tell people how it feels.
.... I want to love and be a different me..
.. I want to love you in a way I won't always have to remind you that I love you...
I want to love because am ready for love.
© 2019 Amani Utembu