ADVICE TO YOUTH - 1 : What advice would you give to an inexperienced young man?
Advice to Youth 1
“Go West Young Man” has already been done, so if one is to give Advice to Youth one must try to think up ways and means to keep Youth from falling asleep during the advice giving process.
So, Young Man, the magic word for you today is “Women”. This should be a subject that must hopefully stir your youthful interest, so I shall try to give you advice on how to avoid falling foul of the fairer sex. Hopefully, this fatherly advice will help you avoid the many pitfalls awaiting you in your future relationships.
I shall address this important issue by using random imaginary (and I underline imaginary) examples, so that my advice to you is easily comprehensible:
1. Should you find yourself in a mountain cabin for an illicit weekend with a married woman and should you then be stung on the finger by the scorpion which for some reason decides to holiday on the shower curtain you try to set aside coming out of the shower, it is essential to observe the necessary manly decorum. The excruciating pain you will feel does not necessarily mean death for you, despite all indications to the contrary. As you shall be unable to drive, since your eyes shall be tightly shut in your attempt to avoid screaming at the top of your lungs thereby making a daft prick of yourself in the eyes of the married woman you have been after for months, your weekend life’s passion shall have to drive you the five miles to the nearest doctor. After injecting you with a strong painkiller, which will have no apparent affect whatsoever on the intensity of your pain, the doctor will assure you that since you made it to his surgery alive, then you are unlikely to die, because scorpion poison is injected directly into the blood stream and, had it been a deadly quantity, he would now be looking at your corpse, instead of having a pleasant conversation with your lovely friend, who had courageously driven you through the difficult mountain roads to bring you to him. And what a fortuitous thing it was that gave him the opportunity to meet such a lovely woman in the middle of nowhere and please take my card in case there is a relapse and she needs to call him.
2. When you get back to the cabin, you would expect some peace and quiet in order to recuperate from your ordeal, provided of course that the pain will ease for even a minute to allow you to fall into exhausted and blessed sleep. No such luck. Your weekend friend, let’s call her Jane for argument’s sake, had outmanoeuvred her husband to spend an illicit weekend with you and an illicit weekend she is going to have, irrespective of minor obstacles such as poisonous scorpions. Do not be fooled by the Florence Nightingale look she is trying to project as she lies next to you on your bed of indescribably unbearable pain. You will at first be grateful for the tender kisses Jane rains on you, but when she starts unbuttoning your shirt in order to take your clothes off “to make you feel more comfortable”, begin to prepare yourself for the worst. There is one advantage to this agonizing ordeal though. Up to now, you have manfully managed to stop yourself from writhing in agony and embarrassing yourself in female eyes. Now, as she begins to mercilessly and passionately take possession of your poor haggard body, you can writhe in pain to your heart’s content and it shall be misconstrued as the passionate response of an accomplished and worthwhile lover, instead of the expression of agony which it is in reality. From that day on your reputation shall be made and Jane shall be at your beck and call. Hence the need for the manly decorum referred to above.
3. When your soon-to-be-divorced wife suggests to you that her recently divorced friend Lucy would make a good partner in a manage-a-troi, if that is the correct spelling of this worthy sport, do not appear to think that all your Christmases have come at once. Even though Lucy might be a sex-bomb-incarnate, show some indifferent reserve. Pretend that you care how such an intimate relationship might affect your own bond with her, your wife. If you respond with an enthusiastic rebel yell, your chances of tasting paradise, without actually going through an expensive Viking style funeral ,shall sail off into the sunset without much chance of a resurrection, at least with the God-like Lucy. The more doubts you raise, the more your ex-wife will insist on experimenting with Lucy.
4. Despite the pretzel like format of the actual event, you may be sure that your ex wife will be keeping the corner of her eye on you at all times. Women have this uncanny ability to visually see what is happening around them, apparently beyond their peripheral vision. Any act of yours towards Lucy which is not that of raw sex, you shall have to pay for dearly later on. No tenderness or affection in any form will be allowed.
5. There will be times when Lucy will end up facing you and the head of your ex being otherwise occupied out of sight, the temptation of both is to kiss. I would strongly discourage you form this. Though kissing between the girls appears to be OK, any resulting kissing sound between yourself and Lucy shall have to be explained in detail later on and shall bear serious consequences when you are alone with your ex wife.
6. When months later your ex-wife catches you in ‘flagrante delicto’ alone with Lucy in what you naively thought was a secret hide-away, she will not consider it sporting, and you shall be guilty of ruining a life-long friendship between the two girls, as ne’er the twain again shall meet.
7. When you separate from your wife, you shall be amazed at the number of sisters of mercy who will volunteer to make your life easier in all possible ways. This is the time to give in to your irresistible need to have a custom made bed created to your own design, able to accommodate three comfortably.
8. Enjoy this period as much as you can, because eventually you will find the Right One and you will have to put all this nonsense behind you, feeling superior to all those pathetic lechers who waste their time with a different woman every day.
9. Your ex wife and your ex girlfriends will systematically hound you during this period, inventing various excuses to set foot in your house in order to spoil any relationship you have ongoing at the time. Be strong and do not open the door.
10. Your ex wife will systematically scratch and damage the cars belonging to your girlfriends, so train the girlfriends to park further away and walk a little. The exercise will do them good and you will not be honour bound to keep paying for the damages.
11. During this period a number of your past secretaries will call on you at your residence to offer their sympathies for your separation and will usually bring food with them. Ex secretaries are good pastimes during dry periods.
12. When the reigning Miss Nicaragua expresses a wish to visit you at your apartment, make sure that the apartment is in a decent state of tidiness and that the bed does not look like a battlefield of the Hundred Years War, otherwise she will walk out on you in obvious distress. You will be able to actually see doubts about you forming on her beautiful brow, as if she could not believe that YOU were ‘that kind of man’. When she invites you to her own apartment as an alternative venue for what she has in mind, do not fall asleep on her carpet before anything has a chance to properly develop. She will not be used to such a cavalier treatment and will not want to see you again.
13. If a woman looses control of herself and lets herself go in acts and deeds that even you thought a bit racy and overly adventurous, do not try to comfort her with words when she starts crying after she is through with you. If you tell her that she should not feel embarrassed because all women behave like this, in some insane way she will feel that you were somehow unfaithful to her with someone else, even though you just met her in the dentist waiting room.
14. Always remember that women are insane. Mothers instinctively drop their female offspring head first on a hard surface immediately after birth, in order to ensure uniformity in female behaviour. In consequence, you will often be told insane theories and be asked whether you agree. NEVER disagree.
15. Women like to talk. Cultivate your acting skills and pretend to be listening and create your own response style. Learn to look at her with rapturous interest while she is talking, even though at the same time you are running through your mind the minutest details of last night’s poker game, to see what exactly went wrong with that pocket pair of aces you went all-in with. Train yourself to occasionally nod while she is speaking and even better, throw in the occasional “really” and “that sounds interesting”. Use whatever else is part of your vocabulary with your male friends when they are actually talking sense.
16. Flowers are a cheap way out of trouble. Women have this inscrutably insane thing about flowers and if you are smart enough to remember this and to occasionally show up with a bunch when it is not expected of you, you’ve got it made.
17. After making love, make a bet with yourself that you can stay awake for at least ten minutes during which you will hug your girlfriend and show her the tenderness women appear to need at this stage. Promise yourself that you will take yourself fishing if you actually manage this feat. Staying awake at this time is the hardest part, so whenever you succeed in this, you must actually keep your promise to reward yourself, otherwise the ensuing lack of trust will cause the system to fail. If you manage this, women will consider you to be a God and they will do anything for you.
18. For economy’s sake, always buy your toothbrushes wholesale, but make sure that they are individually wrapped. Display at least one (unopened) in your bathroom next to yours. The reason is simple. Women feel that because they have made love to you in the usual miscellany of ways, they can afterwards use your own toothbrush to brush their teeth with. Don’t ask me why because I have never been able to understand this idiosyncrasy. If they do not take the hint to use the individually wrapped, unused toothbrush clearly displayed for even the most shortsighted female and familiarly and chummily use your own, then throw the used toothbrush away and replace it with a new one. Make sure that she does not see you do this.
19. For some strange reason, a lot of women want to become members of the mile high club. You should only attempt this on long distance flights to the Far East and only in business class. There is a time during these flights when everyone is asleep. Blankets are provided by the crew for the purpose.
20. Eventually, you will meet a Goddess-in-Human-Shape who will be intelligent, caring, loving, tender and who will refuse your nonsense and will have her own boundaries and limitations. You will marry her and will be strangely happy for the first time in your life.
Part 2 shall follow in due course…
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