Al Cappella at Top Volume
Last Thursday evening’s planned performance of Mozart’s The Marriage of Figaro by Phil Harmonic and His Cherubic Chamber Fellows at the Sprattsburg Community Center was ruined for all in attendance by an unwanted interloper.
As the chamber orchestra was busy tuning their various instruments (and Phil had not yet mounted the conductor’s platform), audience member Al Cappella stood and rendered an excruciatingly painful and misguided full-length unaccompanied voice rendition of that classic composition — despite the fact that it has no known lyrics.
Audience members gaped in shock and awe as Mr. Cappella’s grating alto thrashed their tympanic membranes aplenty. Some tried in vain to cover their ears with programs, gloves, top hats, chair cushions, or other guests’ heads; many ran for the exits. A number of wineglasses held by those in the lobby savoring one last sip before curtain were shattered by particularly piercing notes. In the balcony, a hapless female music lover was delivered of her baby prematurely.
Police have issued this sketch to the citizenry, and have asked that all civilized persons aid in the apprehension of Mr. Cappella. (Not that we really need it; this is the fourteenth year in a row this yowling yahoo has ruined our summer concert.)