ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

An Excerpt From A Day In My Life: A Written Realization

Updated on June 24, 2016
Source

A Long Winded Beginning Thought

Something happened today that probably hasn’t happened to me a lot yet; a few times yes, but my awareness has definitely awakened today. I realized how fast time was moving. I mean, I really recognized the time slipping away from me. Lately, I have had thoughts about my daughter looking so grown up these days, and I realized my son started kindergarten yesterday, and today he is almost in the fourth grade. How did this happen?

Along with those thoughts, I have also realized my parents getting more frail through these last few years. My mom’s health is starting to take a toll on her body, and my dad is still going out every day to work, but he is getting so extremely tired now. That all is understandable, considering my mom is sixty-six with diabetes, and my dad is seventy-one and still works circles around some twenty year olds.

Then, there is me, I’m tired, but feel guilty for even thinking that way. Yes, I do help all I can along with my parents, as my children and myself have been here living with them for quite a long time now. I do my best to help out in any way I can so my children, and myself, will not feel like burdens. I help financially. I do the chores. I help them to keep up with their bills and banking by paying them online for them and making sure they don’t over spend. Neither one knows a thing about using a computer. If something goes haywire, and they get messed up on something I make the calls and take care of the problem for them. My dad likes to say I’m his secretary.

So, I do that, and also take care of my kids and all their needs; take and pick them up from school, take them to extracurricular activities they are involved in, make sure when we have breaks from school we have some family fun, all the while, I try to keep up with my writing, and continue with another career course that I started recently. All this with extreme fatigue myself, because of having the most aggravating chronic illness I believe there is; hypothyroidism. Honestly, I can’t seem to find the correct way to manage it yet. Nevertheless, I have some hope; they have finally decided I need an endocrine specialist instead of just coming in for six-month check-ups to see if the medicine I’m taking is working. Hypothyroidism is more complicated than that. Those who have it or know someone that has it can relate I’m sure.

However, all that I just spoke about is fine. It’s a somewhat normal life, except for being extremely lonely. I have no close friends around, nor do I want them, because I have no time. Even so, that does make for a lonely life doesn’t it?

An Explanation Into My Thoughts

So, I'm sitting outside on the back porch today, and all these things I realized were happening, knowing my parents will not be here forever, knowing my children will inevitably grow up soon to leave me as well, and knowing all I have dreamed about for years now, is a life for myself after this life, and well, it may not happen for me. Time may not be on my side.

I think about my dream to travel to Tuscany a lot, and I can see myself living out my life there. The question that came across my mind today, and made me cry was; will I ever have the financial stability and the opportunity to travel and live where I want to one day before I get too old and find myself still stuck right where I sit? I didn't feel confident at all that I would make it there in this lifetime.

I was sitting watching my cats, and the scary cat lady scenario came up in my thoughts, and I felt this overwhelming sense of being alone one day, just me and these cats. You know, precisely like several cruel people that I have met in life predicted I would be. Namely, the hag who stole my fiancé away after eight years of giving all I had, the sad excuse for a human, that would call me up on Sunday mornings, just so she could remind me how pathetic I was, and how she ran the show now. I'm just saying…I have moved through so many cruel and unnecessary realities in this life. I sigh with exhaustion thinking about them.

If you don’t mind, I’m not going to go there today, because this is really about the sad realization I had of how time is getting away from me, and being alone without having all my ducks in a row yet. Seeing as I’m in my middle forties, it’s just scary. Life can change in a blink of an eye. You can be blindsided and cheated by people you’ve trusted and loved the most. You can find yourself starting over more times than anyone would want to; this is my circumstance from forty-four years of life so far.

The End Is Still An Unanswered Question

How could this be my life? I ask myself this question all the time. How do I find strength to keep going, to keep a focus, to keep faith? Right at this moment, I really don’t know. All I do know is that I will keep hanging on by tying knots in my rope. And I will write poems to express my feelings, to share with others who will support me out of friendship not pity. Because I would like to make it very clear that I am not a constant pity party. I’m just one of the unlucky ones in life who always has to keep going and pray that when I am at the end of this life, that I will have finally found a peaceful contentment.

Source

Do you feel sharing the sad moments of your life with others is therapeutic, or searching for pity?

See results
Source

Is This Your Realization of Your Life?

My Name is "Nobody"

© 2016 Missy Smith

I realize I'm nobody

today. However, really,

I've known this anyway.


Why must I put myself

out, when all I've

ever gotten is a life

filled with doubt?


Who do I believe in

when I'm sitting with

these sad thoughts,

all alone?


I look up to the sky,

and out through the

trees, and my insides

want to scream "Jesus,

set me free!"


The turmoil I've had

to live with for so

many years; the

disappointing romances,

the failed life attempts.


I keep grasping at every

rope I can, and when one

breaks, I fall and fight

my way back up again.


I steadily try to shake off

all my doubts and fears, that

one day I will be left

all by myself here.


Day after day, I realize

my loneliness will

be the only one to

accompany me to

the grave after death.


Yes, one day, there

will be no more life

for me to try, and I

know the first question

I will ask God is WHY?

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 13 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Missy.....Moments of reflection are wonderfully therapeutic. It's healthy to purge the mind and release the shadows that hide within us. We need to take inventory and face that which has a way of robbing us of momentary joy. It's only fair we get our share.

      Your thoughts & realizations are not all that different than those of so many of us. We find ourselves dealing with unavoidable limitations while struggling for more. As days pass by we calculate our moves & wonder what will be for us around the corner.

      All any of us truly have is this day, this moment and that which is within our reach.

      We cannot know all that much about tomorrow Missy, but this is OK for tomorrow happens without our request. Just live it and embrace it & know you'll be OK. Feel good about where you are & all you've been able to survive & conquer. Smile and be proud. You're YOU, you're Missy, a woman, daughter, mother, friend...... and you damned sure are someone special!

    • Venkatachari M profile image

      Venkatachari M 13 months ago from Hyderabad, India

      Missy, you are getting too much anxious about your life instead of enjoying whatever is in front of you. That makes you feel lonely and insecure. You have wonderful son and daughter and try to spend and enjoy with them. Don't ever feel yourself lonely. Your parents, children and we, friends are all there around you. You should not think of your comforts or dreams which are unaccomplished or unattainable. That keeps you sucking. I myself experienced such feelings at my prime age. But, once you think of your dear ones and children, those disappointing feels will leave you. We don't know what is in our destiny. What is known to you and in your control is keep doing your duty as far as you can and leave the rest to God.

      Sharing your thoughts and feelings is a good thing. It is therapeutic and removes your inner conflict.

      You are a bold and wise person and I need not tell you all this. My blessings always with you.

    • manatita44 profile image

      manatita44 13 months ago from london

      I like this Hub very much: For your realisations ... for your sacrifice ...selfless service to your children ...your awareness of the Present Moment. Soulfulness to parents... this is all we ever have. Your sense of impermanence is noble.

      Missy you're trying. Do what you can but don't beat yourself. Just saying ...So much loneliness in this life! So many of us asking the same or similar questions! He knows best, and nothing is not without reason or purpose.

      Sometimes when I suffer, I feel like I'm moving faster and so I welcome this. But yes, I'm practical and know that it's not easy. I empathise. Do what you can. On Q's and A's people 'beat' each other mercilessly, but you are trying to serve your children; help your parents, are able to relate. Isn't this beautiful?

      You have my Love and best wishes. I wish you our Lord's continued Grace and mercies.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 13 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Totally understandable thoughts, Missy, and I've had them myself. I wonder how many people DON'T have those same thoughts. Yes, I think writing like this is therapeutic and even necessary. We can't shake sadness...can't brush it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist. We bring it out, look at it, examine it and then, as my dad often told me, we move forward.

      Sending blessings and hugs this Sunday morning.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      Honestly, I guess it seems like few feel this way around me, Bill. However, that's probably just because I'm a loner and when I am out and about, I see most people that are happily married, and seem to be doing well with finances and things. I do live in a small community, and I find myself not venturing out to many big places anymore. I'm sure there are so many that have had the struggles that I do. I mean, I definitely know there is. I feel their pain.

      You are right; we cannot shake sadness. When Val tries to tell me how to program the sadness away in any situation, I find it amazing someone can do that all the time. I can actually do that a lot of times, but I have my overwhelming days. I think that is normal. I think I may just be realizing my fate more as the years pass, and sometimes I can't bury my sorrows.

      Blessings to you as well, Bill. Love and Appreciation on this Sunday evening. ~Missy

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      There is so much loneliness, Manatita. I find that when I look at the big picture of my life, maybe that's what scares me the most. Not the struggle of finances, or the sacrifices I have to make, but the fact that one day I will be totally by myself and alone.

      I have been trying to keep myself as busy as I can. Most of the time, as you could imagine, it's not hard to do. I always think I will enjoy those free moments of sitting alone and just thinking, but it does bring up scary and sad emotions.

      I appreciate your very nice comment, Manatita. That's all I was looking for when I wrote this hub, not pity, just understanding from great friends. :)

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      Great point, Venkat. I think I did have an anxious moment when I wrote this hub. I think I find myself having these moments a little more than I like lately.

      We don't know our destiny, and it should be left to God. I do leave this to him. How can I not? However, I do wish sometimes that he would make my path clearer. My life has felt like I'm walking blindly through the dark woods constantly searching for that light that will pull me out of the woods into a perfect picture. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I feel at times.

      Thank you, as always, for your lovely wisdom. ~Missy

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      Your comment is beautiful, Paula. You are so full of wisdom and determination, and I admire you more than you know.

      It's funny you say; you're YOU, you're Missy. Even though, I know that I am Missy, a woman, daughter, mother, and friend... I don't feel all that special. Sometimes I do, most of the time I can find the beauty of who I am, but some days; I find the sadness of a person that has been lost most of the way through the journey of her life. It just makes me sad. I like to write these moments out, it does help.

      Thank you for considering me a friend. I hope you know how much I cherish your friendship. ~Missy

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 13 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Missy....Please know this. I haven't always been "wise & determined."....and I still have more to learn. This is true for all of us, honey...no matter who we are, what we have or where we've been.

      We all begin a journey, find parts of ourselves along the way & cannot know for certain how or when our journey will end. What our life entails from start to finish is what will always matter most.

      Yes, continue to write out your moments ....express them and know they are intimately yours. If they are sad for a while, let them be and know it's one more thing you are learning about yourself. Sadness passes and your heart becomes stronger each time for having pushed your way through. Experiencing these feelings of sadness & loneliness is what creates your sensitive and empathetic side. For how else can you feel the pain of others without feeling it first yourself?

      These moments is what makes you more lovable & understanding, which in turn attracts goodness to you. Can you see this, Missy?

      You have so much life ahead of you....you are "young." Some of the very best moments of your life are yet to come....and as you grow in strength & awareness, the people who enter your life will be more wonderful than those before them. I promise you this.

      Focus on today. Treasure the present moments. The rest comes as it is meant to arrive. Fate is real, Missy. Smile and know whatever is to come will be exactly what you want. It will be.

      Hey..no more talk of "age!" I could be your mother, girl....and I'm having a good day because TODAY IS MY 68TH. BIRTHDAY. OMG !!

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      Happy Birthday, Paula!! Thanks for mentioning it, I would have felt terrible if I didn't get to wish you well today.

      I would be so lucky if you were to have been my mom, Paula. Yet, I feel a little tinge of guilt saying that as my mom is a pretty good mom. She has tried very hard, but she doesn't quite understand me like you do, and probably never will. I think only friends understand each other in the special ways. I'm so happy I can call you one of my friends. :)

      Now, no more talk about my depressing days, this is your day and I want to be happy in it with you! HAPPY, HAPPY, BIRTHDAY TO YOU! I HOPE IT'S BEEN A WONDERFUL ONE!! MUCH LOVE, PAULA! CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE!! MUAH!! :):):):):):)

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 13 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Celebrate? There's a whole new meaning to that word after 60, Missy!! You can be SURE about that! I've had a really nice day because my family & friends all remembered and did something nice for me. Can't ask for more than that!! Thank you, Missy. Paula

    • manatita44 profile image

      manatita44 13 months ago from london

      I forgot to mention your thyroids. Keep a close eye on them, and review the bloods from time to time. You may also get help from visiting a Kinesiologist. But be very careful with supplements if you are taking medicines. They are worth seeing anyway, in case you have a weakness in the glandular system. This can also affect moods. May cost a little. Sorry.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 13 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Missy.....YES! Manatita is absolutely correct! I will assume you know that Hypothyroidism very often is responsible for depression....sometimes "severe" depression. Speak to your Dr. You may be a candidate for a mild anti-depressant! Be on top of that! I'm glad Manatita brought it up!

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 13 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks for sharing Missy. I think as we get older most of us realise that time is starting to slip away and begin to worry that all our dreams and goals may not come true. My wife and I always used to say.."when the kids are older...", then it was.."when the kids move out.." Well, we didn't count on her injuring her back and becoming semi-disabled which make a lot of, our plans much harder to achieve. Just this year we decided to force ourselves to start doing as many things on our bucket list as we can...before it's too late.

      As you say your kids are growing so quick..do as much with them as you can while you are still together. Who, knows,what is around the corner, live for today. You are presently studying ..when that finishes it will give you new opportunities as well. In the meantime, you have all your friends here at HubPages who care about you and love sharing your ups and your downs. I echo Paula, you sure are "special".

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      Aaahhh, John, don't make me cry. I can't even believe people think I'm special. It's kind of crazy, but I sure enjoy hearing it. Thank you, and you know you are just as special if not more so. I admire all of you so very much here on Hubpages. I feel so blessed to have met the people, I believe, God put in my path to meet. You, Paula, Manatita, Bill, Frank, Venkat, Dana, and a few others who I hope will know who they are. The list is long. HP has been the best place for me. I think I have met true friends finally, and I get to write out my thoughts and dreams here. I have found somewhere I belong; the circle of friends I belong with. Thank you so much! ~Missy

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      Thanks Manatita and Paula, I am anticipating seeing a specialist soon. The last doctors visit showed my medicine was apparently working, and as I felt I was having trouble swallowing again; she sent me for another ultrasound, but it turned out that my thyroid looked normal too. So, I have symptoms that are not showing up in my blood work or on a screen, and I'm made to feel like I'm making it all up. I'm not. I promise. That's why I cannot wait to see a specialist. I also have had bad stomach pain and issues that my parents will attest to, and my regular doctor cannot figure out why. From my own research, it seems I may have celiac disease, and need to eat gluten free. I have tried to discuss this with, I can't even say the doctor, because they don't let me see him. I see the nurse practitioner, which I know does know a lot, but for something complicated like Hypothyroidism, just doesn't know enough. Anyway, my discussions with her about it have led me nowhere. I need someone who can really delve into my issues and help me solve them. I want to feel like I can be a normal 40 something woman, not someone who has to give into the pain.

      I will look into your suggestions, Manatita. Thank you both for caring. Again, I feel so blessed to have you as friends for support. I'm not sure I've ever had this type of support before. :)

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 13 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Well...you have it now and we're all here...not going anywhere!

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      That is such a relief, Paula. I have become quite fond of each and everyone of you. Thank you so much! :)

    • shprd74 profile image

      Hari Prasad S 13 months ago from Bangalore

      Missy, you are a fighter by instinct. Do not become anxious about past or future. Live the moment as it comes, handle emotions of that moment.

      You will be lot more happier.

      Being in a joint family always helps in manging finances too. Financial struggle all over the world is cause of all anxiousness. There is no easy way-out untilled one is tuned to small savings and strives to find better education and jobs oppurtunities.

      Read my poem 'Be yourself'.

      - hari

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      Hey Hari, and thank you. I will take a look at the hub you suggest. :)

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 13 months ago from Shelton

      Moments of reflection makes you wonder what have I done to leave a mark.. or impact something.. I feel your strain.. but I won't feel sad about it.. I'll try to bask in the glory of the time slipping away.. so join me in that bask... your poetry is a mark.. let it be forever...Frank

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 13 months ago from Riga, Latvia

      Reflections return us to memories never forgotten.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      Yes indeed, Frank. I think that is the best way to do it. However, I admit I get sad sometimes. Even so, I think I do well to bask in my personal talents and unique personality most of the time. lol. Thanks friend! ~Missy

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      Thank you, Gypsy. So true.

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 13 months ago from Stillwater, OK

      I think through your journey you will find the answer to your question. Don't give up, but know that you are doing nothing wrong. Your ex left you because he wanted to do it. You are taking care of your parents and kids because you have a conscience. You have a clear sight on what you are doing in this life, and you have no guilt for the common sense and fortitude that you have. The person that you seek must the have high standards that you have, or you will not be happy in the relationship.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 13 months ago from Florida

      Great advice, Deb. Thank you so much! :)

    Click to Rate This Article