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An Inner Struggle: The Fight After Love Has Failed

Updated on June 24, 2016

© 2016 Missy Smith

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This Is What I Know...

I wanted to love in this life, and I did give lots of love. I held onto it in every situation, as long as I could. However, time went by, months then years faded away one after the other, and true love I never seemed to find. Oh, I certainly thought I had found that bliss a time or two, but reality of what I thought was love would end up knocking me down like a baseball flying fast at my face at a full speed. Then, it’s lights out. You're hit, and you wake up trying to catch your breath, still befuddled to what happened. Your heart and soul are scarred when that happens. When someone you loved and who was supposed to love you back, ended up not loving you at all. Confusion sets in on how you could have been so blindsided to the truth of that person.

Picking up the pieces of not only your heart but your world as you'd known it, seems impossible after such a shocking blow. How do you begin to do this? Well, I don’t have the answer to that, and I’m certain most can’t tell you a sure way to pick yourself up overnight. What I can tell you is that it is not easy, life comes back to you gradually. You find yourself again over time through not giving up, but it isn’t easy. Nope, it isn’t simple, but the task is necessary. I can tell you, if you let it, if you let go of bitterness, you will find a better person has come alive from the wreckage. Everything we go through is a lesson to make us better, even though we would be quick to argue that after heartbreak.

Love is a bitch! Then you feel better!

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shattered

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I Got Lost in the Confusion

Here it goes again

I just got sucked

back into a dark

spaced oblivion.


My breath is weak

I dig it back up. I

inhale deep before

I throw up.


Blinking I try to come

alive, but focus

will now be non-

existent for awhile.


I just heard every

bone in my body

scream…why is this

shit happening to me?


I look at him; he has

no remorse for putting

the mother of his child

in turmoil.


My insides feel desperate

to ask; how can you do

this and live with yourself?


I do ask this question

matter of fact, but the

answer back makes me

feel worse than crap.


Yes, you can feel worse

than that, when he

guides you to the door

and your bags are somehow

already packed on the

floor.


Numb, I try to drive down

the road. I have no money.

Where will I go…


Then I realize I’m in front

of my parents' home, and

know a million and one

questions will be waiting

to blow...


The first night will be bad,

but there are more ahead.

They promise to be unbearable

and full of dread.

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On the Mend

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My Struggle Back

Days go on, and the

drag keeps me down.

How will I make my

frown turnaround?


Many deep breaths,

many moments of

emotional fever, where

I seem a bit anxious in an

undrunken inebriate

jibber.


Please stomach just

untie yourself from

this tight knot. I need

to start this day standing

straight up.


How am I even walking,

making it through

to the next day? The

daze of it all has me

lost like a stray.


That’s exactly how I feel.

Who am I? Will I ever

make it back as myself?


Grappling with my

sickening struggle, I

know I still need to

keep my body from

crumble.


Getting back up

over and over again

so I keep going to

treat myself better

than his sin.

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Whole Again

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Do you feel that heartbreak made you a much wiser person for going through it?

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A New Heart

I made it today,

finally, a new

vision. I breathe

deep again but

for a much

different reason.


I found my strength

through it all, a

constant fight that

held no pity applause.


I still got up everyday.

I reasoned with my

depressed sad state.


And then I saw my new

birth take place, through

all the misery of those

being afraid days.


I came back. I’m wiser

than ever. With strength

to show, it does get

better.


Life will take us all through

paths of pain, testing how

we construct our lives

through these strains.


Fake love does not have

to falter your self worth.

It’s just the road God gave

you to take at birth.


It’s a test to strengthen

your heart and mind. Memories

of movies to keep but never

rewind.

An Ending Thought

I wrote this pretty much on a whim; one of those days just hanging out thinking about my life. I thought about how I have lived through a few bad break-ups that were rough on me to say the least. I thought about Valentine's Day that's coming up soon, and how I seem to be alone every year. To be honest, it drags me down a little until I realize that I would rather have no Valentine, then be in those loveless relationships. One day, I hope to find a new love, but until then I promise I'll be just fine!! Peace and Love Everyone!

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    • word55 profile image

      Word 16 months ago from Chicago

      Very good story in poetry. I used to be in a live-with relationship. It didn't turn out the way I wanted. I thought the lady was tailor-made for me. It was not working out. I couldn't wait for her to leave me. Yes, we were companions for Valentine's Day and other holidays but I was not happy. It's now, better to be alone preparing for a soulmate and letting God be the one to give love to until meeting or choosing the soulmate. Again, my hat's off to you.

    • manatita44 profile image

      manatita44 16 months ago from london

      Sometimes it can be difficult and dark, and again, there will be good days. The vicissitudes of life, they go up and down, rise and fall, ebb and flow. Your poetry is touching and commanding, as usual.

      Love to the children. I pray that your Valentine be happy!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 16 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Missy.....I have experienced "heartbreak" of a little different type that literally swallowed me whole, but I can still relate to the "break-up" pain you speak of. Just imagining your pain makes me hurt. You use words magically to express the phases & stages of this time in your life.

      Climbing up, out & over is a victory well worth celebrating. We DO go on, often for the better, as you have proven to yourself.

      You are young, pretty, talented & loving. Mr. Soul mate is out there & will appear when you least suspect. In the meantime, remain true to who you are for your own benefit and your children. Nothing is more important than being SURE of who we are and going forward in grace.

      (You remind me of Lady Gaga) That's a high compliment because I see her as beautiful.)...........Peace, Paula

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 16 months ago from Florida

      At least you let her decide it wasn't working out, Al. Although, I'm not so sure that is the right move either. In my situation, there was no clue that it had turned sour. We were like best friends, and he always professed love to me. However, distance played a part when he was taken away for three months for his job. After about a month, I didn't receive the usual check-in phone calls, and I couldn't ever seem to reach him when I tried, and I was always able to reach him. I knew something was off. He came home from that business trip and within a few days, he was tossing me and our daughter out. It was extremely difficult. We were going to be planning a wedding finally after working hard to move into our brand-new home. We were ready for our new lives. He had a new job. I had a new job, and we were settling in. However, his new job took him away, and it seemed to break the love he carried for me. He apparently found a much deeper love in a girl seven years younger than myself. I guess that's how it goes!!

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 16 months ago from Florida

      Thank you, Manatita. I always love your comments on my poetry. They are always very inspiring and so true. It's like I said, you have to go with what God's plan is even if it hurts, and you don't understand the purpose right away. :)

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 16 months ago from Florida

      I almost don't know how to respond to your comments, Paula. They are so very kind and caring that I feel I'm not deserving of such words. However, I do love them, and appreciate that you see me in the way you do. I hope I am like you describe, but we never really analyze ourselves to that depth. I mean I know I have come to the point in life that I just am. I have something to say; I say it. I have something to show; I show it. I have learned the art of expression for sure. lol...

      I don't mind at all that I remind you of Lady GaGa. She is somewhat like me. She shows that it is alright to be different in this world with having your own unique style and opinions. She is a talented songwriter and performer, and she puts her stamp on everything she does. I love the compliment. Thank you very much! :) Oh, and she and I both are natural brunettes that decided blonde was more our shade of hair color. lol...;)

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 16 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Missy......I just call it as I see it. No one gets undeserved or empty compliments from me. Good or bad, I'm well known for my straight shooting and brutal honesty.

      IMHO, none of can know how we are seen or perceived by others. We can be shocked or stunned often to find out these things. I can recall being blown away a time or two that people spoke out and gave their impression of me. Like you, I was happy to hear it but felt a little undeserving. It's always good to remain humble anyway! LOL

      You take care. Yes, you & Gaga have similarities. I thought of her the first time I saw your pic.

    • swalia profile image

      Shaloo Walia 16 months ago

      Oh Missy...the first two parts literally moved me to tears. I am happy to see the strength and determination in the concluding lines. Truly, fake love doesn't have to falter your self-worth. You deserve to be happy!

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 16 months ago from Florida

      We all deserve to be happy, Swalia. :) I hope others who have went through similar turmoil come out with wisdom and do not let someone else's wrongs deprive them of growing from the experience. Thank You!

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 16 months ago from Shelton

      a very good series of poetry here.. it proves that life and love is a dramatic adventure.. sometimes the hurt can make us stronger at least for some of us.. good write Missy...

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 16 months ago from Florida

      Thank you, Frank. You got the meaning of my poems perfectly. :)

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 16 months ago from Riga, Latvia

      Love can take you on a most exhausting journey, with heartbreak along the way but I always believe that true love is just around the bend.

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 16 months ago from Florida

      It's a nice way to think Gypsy. I try to think that way myself. However, I may be at the point now in life that I would just like to live and not think too much about being lonely and just learn to live with it. You can only try to love so long, and if it isn't working for you, you tend to want to let love go. Sad but true.

    • profile image

      Surabhi Kaura 16 months ago

      Ouch! Heartbreaks... heartbreaks... are painful, yea. But, hey! They eventually make a person stronger. Lovely poem. It serves as a tranquilizer to put the thoughts on a piece of paper, isn’t it? A pat on the back, darling! :)

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 16 months ago from Florida

      Lol...So true, Surabhi. I'm don't even get mad about it anymore. :)

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 16 months ago from Stillwater, OK

      It is said that you find what you seek when you are not looking. Best of luck to you in your search.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      It is a struggle, Missy. No doubt about it....your feelings are valid, as are your doubts. I was convinced love didn't exist...and I mean convinced for decades....and then Bev came along.

      Damn!

      You are worth it....and I hope you find it soon. Love your reflections and honesty.

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 16 months ago from Florida

      I have heard that saying as well, Deb. I hope I do find the love of my life someday soon. However, if I don't, I think I'm gradually learning to live with it, and just be thankful for what I have in my life now, and also grateful that at least I knew what love felt like in my lifetime. Thank You! :)

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 16 months ago from Florida

      Thanks so much, Bill. I will always keep hope alive in me, promise! :)

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