An Inner Struggle: The Fight After Love Has Failed

I wanted to love in this life, and I did give lots of love. I held onto it in every situation, as long as I could. However, time went by, months then years faded away one after the other, and true love I never seemed to find. Oh, I certainly thought I had found that bliss a time or two, but reality of what I thought was love would end up knocking me down like a baseball flying fast at my face at a full speed. Then, it’s lights out. You're hit, and you wake up trying to catch your breath, still befuddled to what happened. Your heart and soul are scarred when that happens. When someone you loved and who was supposed to love you back, ended up not loving you at all. Confusion sets in on how you could have been so blindsided to the truth of that person.

Picking up the pieces of not only your heart but your world as you'd known it, seems impossible after such a shocking blow. How do you begin to do this? Well, I don’t have the answer to that, and I’m certain most can’t tell you a sure way to pick yourself up overnight. What I can tell you is that it is not easy, life comes back to you gradually. You find yourself again over time through not giving up, but it isn’t easy. Nope, it isn’t simple, but the task is necessary. I can tell you, if you let it, if you let go of bitterness, you will find a better person has come alive from the wreckage. Everything we go through is a lesson to make us better, even though we would be quick to argue that after heartbreak.

Love is a bitch! Then you feel better!

Here it goes again

I just got sucked

back into a dark

spaced oblivion.

My breath is weak

I dig it back up. I

inhale deep before

I throw up.

Blinking I try to come

alive, but focus

will now be non-

existent for awhile.

I just heard every

bone in my body

scream…why is this

shit happening to me?

I look at him; he has

no remorse for putting

the mother of his child

in turmoil.

My insides feel desperate

to ask; how can you do

this and live with yourself?

I do ask this question

matter of fact, but the

answer back makes me

feel worse than crap.

Yes, you can feel worse

than that, when he

guides you to the door

and your bags are somehow

already packed on the

floor.

Numb, I try to drive down

the road. I have no money.

Where will I go…

Then I realize I’m in front

of my parents' home, and

know a million and one

questions will be waiting

to blow...

The first night will be bad,

but there are more ahead.

They promise to be unbearable

and full of dread.

Days go on, and the

drag keeps me down.

How will I make my

frown turnaround?

Many deep breaths,

many moments of

emotional fever, where

I seem a bit anxious in an

undrunken inebriate

jibber.

Please stomach just

untie yourself from

this tight knot. I need

to start this day standing

straight up.

How am I even walking,

making it through

to the next day? The

daze of it all has me

lost like a stray.

That’s exactly how I feel.

Who am I? Will I ever

make it back as myself?

Grappling with my

sickening struggle, I

know I still need to

keep my body from

crumble.

Getting back up

over and over again

so I keep going to

treat myself better

than his sin.

I made it today,

finally, a new

vision. I breathe

deep again but

for a much

different reason.

I found my strength

through it all, a

constant fight that

held no pity applause.

I still got up everyday.

I reasoned with my

depressed sad state.

And then I saw my new

birth take place, through

all the misery of those

being afraid days.

I came back. I’m wiser

than ever. With strength

to show, it does get

better.

Life will take us all through

paths of pain, testing how

we construct our lives

through these strains.

Fake love does not have

to falter your self worth.

It’s just the road God gave

you to take at birth.

It’s a test to strengthen

your heart and mind. Memories

of movies to keep but never

rewind.

I wrote this pretty much on a whim; one of those days just hanging out thinking about my life. I thought about how I have lived through a few bad break-ups that were rough on me to say the least. I thought about Valentine's Day that's coming up soon, and how I seem to be alone every year. To be honest, it drags me down a little until I realize that I would rather have no Valentine, then be in those loveless relationships. One day, I hope to find a new love, but until then I promise I'll be just fine!! Peace and Love Everyone!