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An in-depth analysis of the sexual preference of the Higgs Boson

Updated on January 10, 2012
Higgs Boson, anyone?
Higgs Boson, anyone?

An Expositive Postulation By G.F. Dunnigan

While “stealing the johnson” (as it is referred to in the halls of Academia) from Åke Henriksson Tott's tomb in the Cathedral of Turku, I hit upon a rather ingenious (but fundamentally antediluvian) idea concerning the nature of cellulose formations (specifically those referred to as “dangleburger”) and the notion that the Higgs Boson is not only Fomorian-esque in its macaronic ubiety, but is also quite (and I do stress this point) acerous. (You can read more about dangleburger fat and its effect on the ascension of the Donner Kebab here.)

Duke Plastic of Jaundice
Duke Plastic of Jaundice
The Vulcanoids
The Vulcanoids

When the great explorer and blasphemous Roderick of Johannesburg, Duke Plastic of Jaundice, first set foot on the cthulhian ruins of Marlboro Township, the young whipping-boy upon which he took a moment to rest his boot observed the great duke making a number of seemingly obscene gestures and muttering the words “Two red cups is the good side of a small cow’s horn.” Five thousand and eight-hundred cycles of the Vulcanoids later, we now know the true importance of these words, and the light that they shed on the sexual preference of the Higgs Boson. Upon conferring this light (by lantern and across the Thames) to my good friend and colleague Sir Jarvis of Marionberry, dean emeritus of MIT, it was heard remarked that he fainted upon the spot, and only later booked a one way flight to the lush jungles of Southern Libya. Daveed Halford (Food Dude Emeritus of the Swedish University for Technicolor Rodentia Fecal Cataloging) had the following to say:

“My god, man! No one can live at that speed!”

No one can, indeed, Mr. Halford. No one can, indeed.

For those of you who are still motivated by the steamy intricacies of sex, a moderate-length treatse on a goat standing beside the fifteen mile Northbound stretch of the M45 motorway should suffice. Consult your Oldenburg T 2 Operating Manual (Großherzoglich Oldenburgische Staatseisenbahnen) for more information, and have a nice day.

>>This in-depth anal
isis was transmitted via cellular telephone device 
on Decembuary Eleventififth, Nineteen oh Ninety from the 
Right Honorable Offices Of Grobel and Podunk. < <


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