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And I Shall Bury You
Many years ago, I had a love who took from me without returning the gesture, filled his mouth with lies like frogs and snails that dug themselves into my spirit, making me full of his bitter taste. My life was spent scraping this nothingness from inside me, swimming in his empty promises where my feet barely touched the bottom, often drowning in the lucidity of his careless kiss, gasping for air and gagging on his twisted beauty.
When it ended, I found that I could not forget him no matter what I did. His eyes were in everything, his voice in everyone and he pursued me in my dreams, haunting my every nightmare, whispering in my ear as I awoke every morning while stroking my hair as I closed my eyes and searched for peace in my sleep.
In order for me to move on, I realized he had to die or I would remain in a torment that slowly stifled the air in my life, slowly disemboweling me, painfully and with excruciating surgical precision.
One night on a full moon, I made a pledge to the stars and sky, went out by an Oak and dug a hole with my hands, burying inside it all those things that reminded me of him; his pictures, his words, his memories, and burned it to ash, then covering it with the dirt he had become.
As I leveled off the ground, I recognized that sometimes you have to do whatever you need to do in order to heal yourself. From that day forward, I learned to give back exactly what I take in but I always add a little extra for good measure...my version of Karma; the same Karma that never helps me. And so I learned to make my own.
It is my dark side, my venom, my vindictiveness, my revenge. It is troubling and incurable. It is the negative to every positive I own, yet I feel safe inside it's claws, seemingly innocent and almost naive, making love to it when no one is watching.
You take your chances in knowing me. You must be brave to be sure, for I can no longer control this monster that resides in these veins. Yet you continue to breathe in my presence, my friendship, while its tongue lashes at you within my ribs. And there are snakes in my vibrant hair, nestled inside the red you cannot see, dormant for now, awaiting their chance to raise up to your brow. If you get close enough, they may wrap themselves around your fingers, caress your cheek, but they are only watching you closely for your next move, suspicious of your behavior. I would say beware but I don't believe in warnings. Surprise has always been the true element of any battle won.
Tonight you are safe. Tomorrow maybe so. But I keep count and as the numbers continue, you fall deeper into that hole and once the dirt covers your face, once you swallow the poison from the earth, it will be too late to forgive and I will kill you as I have killed the others, forgotten and erased like the spit on the concrete sidewalk washed away by rain. You will mean nothing to me, you will absorb into the ground where you belong, deep into the hole where your heart should have been. And I shall bury you.