Beaver Valley Post Issue #5

“Strong Girl” Sara Geldty was born this day one hundred years ago in Beaver Valley. Pronounced a physical child prodigy when just a toddler, little Sara’s astounding feats of strength were documented by several physicians and chronicled in newspapers across the globe. At only the age of three Sara could lift both her normal-sized parents at once, and by the age of twelve had won the North American log javelin championship four times. By the age of twenty Sara had toured the world twice, having given exhibitions of her renowned strength in public halls and royal courts alike. Sadly, at the age of 24 Sara’s illustrious life ended in sorrow and suicide after she accidentally castrated her husband on their wedding night.

Future bookings for Costa Crociere on the rise

The Italian Department for Addiction Studies reports that future bookings for the Italian cruise lines, Costa Crociere SpA, have increased dramatically among individuals who suffer from Risk Addiction. The official report shows that the rise in bookings began shortly after the wreck of the Costa Concordia off the shore of Isola del Giglio, and then soared to over 500 percent of normal early bookings in the days since the Costa Allegra was reported going adrift in the Indian Ocean.

Dr. Edvard Gelsi, founder of IDAS contends that while the findings may be surprising to lay persons, there is a rational explanation for the data.

“Obviously former risk addicts have had a strong response to newest drugs available for the treatment of risk addiction,” Gelsi says. “A response that makes them completely lose what intelligence God gave them.”

PayBud announces new restrictions on online book distributors

Global online payment processor giant, PayBud, has announced changes to policies overseeing transactions for partners that sell electronic books. According to the newly implemented restrictions distributors are now prohibited from any further selling of material that the US-based PayBud deems pornographic. PayBud attorneys say the policies will be strictly enforced, in an effort to protect the public from any reading material that deals with distasteful, illicit, lewd and immoral subjects.

Critics among PayBud’s business partners point out that PayBud’s identification of what is pornographic and what is not is also inconsistent, citing the fact that so far PayBud have lodged generalized censures against the subjects of rape, incest, bestiality and underage sex –even in historically accurate manuscripts- yet have been silent against explicit violence, mutilation and necrophilia.

One partner who wished to remain anonymous says, “They are attempting to demonize certain genres altogether with very sweeping criticisms.”

Leslie Ann Schultz of Thrill to Read, one of the few distributors that has publicly criticized PayBud’s decision says that “All censorship begins with someone’s belief that their prohibitions protect or fundamentally change society. The American way is to allow adults to decide what they want to read, and for parents to exert their rights and responsibility in determining what is appropriate material for their children. But PayBud prefers to yank those rights away and decide for us. It is dictatorial and unconstitutional.”

PayBud CEO Walter Grope has responded to critics with a statement that reads, “Our founding Puritan fathers that struggled to rid this nation of its original peoples and every form of deviant, amoral behavior imaginable would approve of our decision. Our business partners who object to the decision are free to get someone else to process their payments. We wish them much luck in their businesses and hope they enjoy an eternity of burning in the scorching lakes of fire that await them after death.”

National headlines

Billionaire CEO arrested for illegal disturbance; suspected of illicit romance

Scroogeville, KY

54-year old Walter Grope, CEO of payment processor giant, PayBud, has been charged with disturbing a dead body. He also faces possible other charges.

Law Enforcement officials report they apprehended Grope shortly after midnight when surveillance cameras at the city’s pauper cemetery caught him in the process of unburying an unidentified female corpse. Along with the charge of illegally disturbing a grave, Grope faces possible charges in connection to a rash of similar incidents last summer. Police detective, David Watson, says the cemetery caretakers had reported the same sort of crime seven times over the summer but that their request to city officials for a surveillance system couldn’t be provided until January.

Even if not charged with those crimes, Watson confirmed that Grope also stands accused of intent to commit necrophilia with the corpse unburied over the night.

“Unfortunately we have no proof he actually had romantic liaisons with the other corpses,” Watson says. “But this time we caught him with his pants down, so to speak –he’d brought flowers, votive candles, condoms and a copy of the Song of Solomon written on parchment in strawberry scented pen. I wish we could charge him with plagiarism on that part, but he was wearing Axe, and at least that’ll make a good case for posing a danger to the public.”

Angelina Jolie inspires formation of new charitable organization

After Sunday's televised presentation of the Academy Awards night two Minnesota men have been compelled to start a charitable organization, and are crediting actress Angelina Jolie for their decision..

Phil McMurray and his cousin, Sean Davis say they were once big Jolie fans, until some months back when they saw a few "appalling photos" of Jolie's "Skeletor-like feet". However, their disdain was forgotten during the recent televised Oscars, when they got a first-hand eyeful of Jolie’s arms and legs. The utter shock, they contend, prompted them to put aside their disgust and make the decision to help the actress.

“I volunteered for several food relief programs in my college years,” McMurray told reporters, “and traveled to some very needy countries, where I saw first-hand the pitiful effects of starvation. While there are countless organizations that help the less fortunate around the globe, yet so far no one has stepped forward to help this poor emaciated woman. So we’ve set up our foundation to take donations of food and protein supplements for her. We also accept exercise equipment so Angelina can get those flaccid muscles toned again. My cousin and I just pray we can get these desperately needed items to the actress before she succumbs to malnourishment.”

Sean Davis concurred, adding grimly, “We are also looking for a doctor with experience in removing brandings. It is a shame she has to live with constant reminders of whoever the nutjob was that stamped her with those appalling extermination camp type tattoos.”

Persons interested in donating food or other needed supplies in the humanitarian effort to correct Angelina Jolie’s emaciation are encouraged to visit the Save Angelina From Starvation organization website.

Media

Network slates entire new fall line-up

Following dismal viewer ratings last year, the Cultured Intellect Lifestyles Network, has announced a complete overhaul in next year’s line-up of shows.

A fledgling to cable TV last year, CILN’s original line-up was touted as an intelligent alternative to the ordinary and banal. However, the shows failed to catch on with viewers, specifically the 18-to-34-year old audience MLN hoped to would tune in.

Russ Marsett, a promotions analysis with CILN, says that the network’s writers have been greatly helped by recent study groups that evaluated the preferences of potential viewers.

“These folks want to be intellectually satisfied,” Marsett contends. “And we simply failed them. We have therefore cut every show from last year’s field, and we are confident from our research that sophisticated viewers will be very satisfied with the cultured, cerebral and very original shows we have scheduled for this fall.”

The in-production shows slated for CILN’s new fall line-up include:The Morning Atheist Affirmation, Yard Sale Wars, Mormon Divorce Court, The Walking Gaseous, Pretty Little Militant Eco-Friendly Lesbian Princesses, Snake-Handlers, America’s Funniest Meth-Makers Home Accidents, People’s Sharia Court, America’s Top Spammer, Weed Pawners, The Postal Worker Whisperer, Housewives of Gitmo Bay, 1000 Ways to Die In an Exploitive Viral Video, Blog Warriors, Cooking Chic with Chef Anorexic Amy, Ghost Annoyers, America’s Top Lifespan-Shortening Addiction Treatments, Traveling America’s Sanctuary Cities with Joe “Cut-throat” Reid and Baking With Corrosives.

Local briefs

School board to consider Zero-Tolerance policy on discriminatory speech

The Beaver Valley school board is set to vote next week on a proposed rule that will institute a Zero-Tolerance policy on students using discriminatory speech while in class and on any grounds allocated for use by the school system.

The proposal was brought up during the last board meeting by member Carly Reiner-Waters, who is employed as a second grade teacher with Beaver Valley Elementary. During that meeting Reiner-Waters said she was tired of hearing students blatantly throwing racist, genderist, sexist and other bigoted remarks at one another and being given only a slap on the wrist by school administrators.

“I knew something had to be done to correct this situation,” she told the board, “after one of my own students called another boy a sissy for showing up in class in a pink shirt and a Barbie lunch box. I go to bed every night worried that one of my students will suffer irrevocable damage for being singled out because they may be a minority or just different from what is viewed as normal. If we want stereotyping to end we have no choice but to nip it in the bud at an early age.”

If the policy goes into effect, students suspected or accused of using discriminatory language will face immediate suspension and their names will automatically be entered into the National Hate Crimes Suspects database.

Mayor officially cancels Beaver Valley’s annual St. Patrick’s Day parade

Mayor Dick Burns, who last week said he was considering pulling the plug on the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade, today made it official. Citing out-of-control behavior by the celebrants of previous parades, Mayor denied approval for the parade coordinators.

The decision has prompted outcries from many locals who say the Mayor is overstepping his authority. Area Catholics and those of Irish descent are especially upset, saying that in the past the parade-goers had cleaned up street and sidewalks before going home. They also point to findings by local law enforcement, that police encounter less crime on St. Patrick’s Day than is average.

Despite a petition signed by over 600 residents and presented to his office on Monday, Mayor Burns remains adamant.

“Ours is a decent city,” Mayor said in a press release yesterday, “and I want to keep it this way. Celebration typically involves drinking, lewd behavior and more drinking to honor this holiday. My suggestion to the Catholics and Irish of Beaver Valley is to celebrate at home, with a priest on hand, and then lash yourselves about thirty times with a good sturdy belt. Then, when the bleeding staunches go out and kidnap a few midgets –er, I mean little people- and invite your friends over for a good, old-fashioned leprechaun toss. And if you’re still feeling randy then, in the privacy of your own home, get as plastered as you want. This is what I do every year and I sure don’t end up vomiting all our clean public streets. I vomit in my bathroom instead, if I can make it up the stairs from the dungeon, er, I mean play room.”

Local woman takes home winning prize in joke-telling competition

A local woman has won First Place in the National Dumb Blonde Jokes competition held in this year in the state capital.

Carly Reiner-Waters, a teacher from Beaver Valley, was awarded the winner’s trophy this Sunday after facing off competition, including several previous winners and even a few professional stand-up comics. Although competition was fierce, Reiner-Waters wowed the audience with her snappy 25 Things Dumb Blondes Do On The Toilet. But judges agreed later that her winning stroke came with the hilarious original anecdote, The Blonde and the Pencil Sharpener she gave during the finalists portion.

During a reception speech Reiner-Waters credited inspiration for the hilarious anecdote to a fair-haired acquaintance she taunted mercilessly during their school years.

In addition to the winner’s trophy Reiner-Waters will go on to compete in the Dumb Blonde Jokes World Championship, to be held this September in Venezuela and to be judged by President Hugo Chavez.

Visit by celebrity comedian generates mixed reactions

A surprise visit this morning to Beaver Valley by actor and comedian, Jerry Seinfeld, generated mixed reactions from residents who attended his impromptu performance at the town hall.

Officials at the town hall report the well-known American comedian showed up unexpectedly around 10 AM this morning, with an entourage of beefy personnel wearing dark sunglasses. After meeting locals with handshakes Mr. Seinfeld took the stage to address a small gathering of onlookers. His performance lasted around thirty minutes then he departed the stage, again shaking hands and even kissing a few infants. While those who had watched the performance say they were impressed that Seinfeld took time to give a performance in a small town, there were mixed reactions to his routine.

Jeff Houser, who says he saw several of Seinfeld’s performances in the 90’s told the paper, “Mr. Seinfeld’s timing was terrific and his shtick fresh. It was nice to hear him talk about something other than airline food.”

Darla and Mark Clemens reported that although the performance felt a little “stilted” they still believed a "congenial performance".

Ilsa Douglas, manager of the Beaver Valley Comics Club, expressed some disappointment. “Mr. Seinfeld has really kept his youthful exuberance, looked great and was very friendly to all. But his jabs about the guy he referred to as the Chicago-style dictator came off too a bit vindictive, and the repeated haranguing about the Massachusetts Flip-Flop King made me almost yearn for his old airline food routines. All the same, Mr. Seinfeld is a national treasure and again, he sure looks great. In fact, I’d say Mr. Seinfeld looks downright presidential!”

State Representative calls for State ban on sale of bath salts

State Representative Guy Snidely, who seeks a second term in this November’s elections, has called on state legislators to ban the sale of the quasi-drugs popularly sold as bath salts. While the sale of the presently legal substance has not been confirmed to cause intoxication, hallucinatory effects or other health risks, Snidely says that hospitals across the state report a drastic increase of patients whose conditions are possibly caused, or at least, possibly direly influenced by the use of bath salts. His call has won the support of many in the local area, particularly concerned parents, school officials, law enforcement and businesses who see bath salts as possibly being as dangerous as meth use and possibly even more harmful LSD.

In a campaign speech given to Beaver Valley supporters, Snidely promised that getting bath salts declared a controlled substance and dangerous street drug by the state legislators will be his #1 priority during his coming term as state Representative.

“We’re looking at possibly the greatest substance abuse problem in human history,” Snidely told the crowd. “It is possible that these reported incidents only prelude a possible end to society as we know it, and possibly even the extermination of our species on this planet.”

One parent, Mike Walbreenitz, says his son’s recent admittance to a drug rehab facility, was possibly related to using bath salts. Walbreenitz concurs with Snidely in saying that the substance should be banned, and additionally feels that businesses that sell the bath salts should be forced to pay restitution to the families of victims.

“I could possibly win a multi-million dollar settlement here,” Walbreenitz contends.

Snidely’s Anti-Bath Salts volunteers team have authored a pamphlet that addresses on the dangers of the substance, free to order for any resident of the state. The pamphlet includes a description on the possible nefarious ingredients in bath salts, possible effects from the use of the substance and a list of possible telltale signs in determining if someone is using bath salts. The last chapter gives useful information on how to get involved in the protest of businesses, with specific suggestions on how to target, annoy, and harass legally, or possibly legally, the business owners who sell bath salts.

Local business reports record sales

Locally owned Snidelys Homemade Glues has reported a welcome increase in sales for the last quarter, practically quadrupling sales in less than three weeks.

"We're extremely happy about the upturn in sales," Guy Snidely says. "Last fall we were on the brink of bankruptcy. It is great to know small-town American businesses still have a chance to prosper even in today's downturned economy."

Snidely's Homemade Glues opened doors in 1969, when Charles Snidely began selling his patented homemade airplane glue from the laboratory basement of his grandfather's mansion. After Charles Snidely died in a home explosion in 1973 the family moved the business to Main Street, where it has been located ever since. In addition to their glues, Snidely also sells homemade hair colors, hair sprays and nail polish, which are very popular at area retirement homes.

Recent area police reports

Guy Snidely, address withheld, charged with disturbing the public and interfering with a business.

Guy Snidely, address withheld, charged with sniffing hair spray while giving public address.

Guy Snidely, address withheld, charged with selling toxic substance to minors.

Guy Snidely, address withheld, charged with distributing hallucinogenic mushrooms to seniors.

Guy Snidely, address withheld, charged with feeding minor child asbestos-tainted food

Guy Snidely, address withheld, charged with DUI

Guy Snidely, address withheld, charged with drinking turpentine in public court house

Guy Snidely, address withheld, charged with flushing toxic explosive agent down jail toilet

March 2: the First Church of Seinfeld will be celebrating nothing, 10AM-10PM in the church's television and snack room

March 5: the Seniors In Support of Snidely will be holding an All-Spice and nutmeg cake sale at the parking lot of the Giddy Seniors Center. Proceeds to go for future legal obligations of Rep. Guy Snidely. Begins at 10AM

March 15: the Freewill Skeptics Church will be hosting a barbecue supper for the public, proceeds to go toward a trip to Area 51. 5PM-8PM in the church parking lot.

March 17: Our Lady of Brazenness Church will be holding a St. Patrick’s Day nude sack-race followed by a beer-hiding competition for the children. Open to the public 8AM-10AM

March 17: Our Lady of the Eternal Rainbow will be giving away free baby leprechauns to good homes. Attendants must be able to provide proof of marriage. Hollywood, CA residents need not apply. 2PM-8PM.

March 17: St. Matthew’s Catholic Church will be hosting a Saint Patrick’s Day potatoes and casseroles buffet for the public, followed by a riot at Mayor Burns’ house. Proceeds to go toward paying the defense attorney fees. Buffet begins at 1PM, BYOB.

March 17: NASCAR Drivers for Beer & Jesus will be holding a race through the Main Street, 11 PM, followed by an invitation-only BYOB night barbecue at Mayor Burns’ house.

Homes

2-bedroom, 1 bath 1988 Dutch Estates single-wide trailer, good condition with slight water damage to carpets, partially scorched roof. Master bath comes with sunken tub and sunken toilet, smaller bedroom has sunken ceiling and impressive hornet’s nest in closet. $4,000 Contact Mort @ BV PO #66331

5 bedroom/2 bath dog house with CH/A, spacious kitchen, den, large basement, movie screen room, wood shop, exercise room, hunters display room with several mounted human skulls. Will trade for lifetime supply of dog biscuits or bird companion. Contact Snoopy with offer at #12 Daisy Hill Puppy Farm PO.

Historic houseboat, once resided in by physician who believed he was a detective. Includes shag carpeting, wine collection, waterbed and a life-size autographed photo of Jack Klugman in the nude. $3,000 Call Skttles P. at 555-9800

Bank of America repossessed 1889 rustic house in scenic parking lot. 2 bedrooms, dining area, open ceiling, flooded basement, asbestos-treated insulation, lead-based paint, bat-friendly attic and outhouse. Interested buyers must be willing to submit credit history and waiver of civil and Constitutional rights. $1,000,000 Email Paul@ GREEDYSOBS.org

4 bedroom/1 bath 13-story tree house, formerly occupied by family of wizards. Slight lightning damage, lingering odor of malevolent fumes and comes with huge library of flying books. $20,500 Call 1-900-WEASLEY for details

Vehicles

1922 Zborowski Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang-type racing auto with Ford V06 engine, alloy dashboard plate, automatic transmission and original tires. Pristine condition, motor runs like a dream. Sometimes groans late at night, children tend to die of mysterious reasons when standing in near vicinity. $600,000 Call Dave Deen at 555-8813 for details.

2009 Lifesize green HotWheels Monster Car with original soda dispenser, snack bar and glow-in-dark paint job. Mint condition. $250,000 firm or will trade for original Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang-type racing auto that doesn’t groan. Call Dave Deen at 555-8813 for details.

Miscellaneous

Will trade couch potato husband for a decent-paying job with dental benefits. Contact Stacy Deen at 555-8813 to make offer.

Bag of eye-boogers, assorted conditions and smells, $5 Contact J.J. at BV PO #5003

QUALITY clothing, cosmetics, costume jewelry, gold and porcelain teeth, and used tattoos. Visit Snurl’s Funeral Home to make appointment to see, touch or make offers.

ADORABLE dead kittens, ASSORTED colors and flavors. Visit Snurl’s Pet Cemetery and speak to Huggles.

HUGE jugs of antifreeze and acetone, free to good homes. Call G. Snidely at 1-900-REP-GUYS

Personals

M/B/F seeks 25-or-older man who enjoys romantic strolls, picnics, dancing and dressing up like a ballet dancer with three legs. Contact Waynetta @ BV PO #7705

S/W/M seeks voyeur with hamster, string and miniature cattle prod. Contact BV PO #3007

Wealthy middle-age gent seeks woman with traditional values, strong Christian background and really into sniffing Clorox. Interested parties may send photo to Guy @ BV PO #55555555

My boy goldfish needs a boyfriend for mating purposes. Will pay $3 in dimes for fertile boy goldfish or trade for photos of my grammy wearing only her garters. Contact Stevie @ BV PO #2121

Employment

BEAVER VALLEY GREEN-ECO PAPER ALTERNATIVE MANUFACTURING is NOW HIRING tissue testers for our bathroom supplies facility. Interested parties must be 18 years of age or older and diarrhea free. Applications can be picked up at our front doors, 2214 Tar Ends Way, Beaver Valley.

The Creative Anachronisms for Jesus Christ Church needs an organ player, janitor, paladin, dungeon keeper, experienced Mage and a buxom Elvin ale server. For applications please see Rev. Matt in person at the parsonage at 33 Conan Drive, Beaver Valley.

McKidney Burgers is now hiring for experienced lard-churners and order-takers who can speak like their voice is coming out of an extremely faulty carry-out intercom system. Apply now at McKidney Burgers on 44 Spew Hwy.

Material and content ©March 1, 2012 by Beth Perry