Beaver Valley Post Issue #2

100 years ago this week in Beaver Valley history..

Michael Talbonini founded Citizens Central Bank & Loan of Beaver Valley.

Talbonini, who immigrated to the U.S. from a small town in Sicily, first gained notice at the age of 19 when he was cast in an adult film. The popularity of the film earned Talbonini a ten year studio contract but his career was cut short when an irate husband forced Talbonini out of Hollywood. Talbonini traveled through several states before finally settling in Beaver Valley. Here, Talbonini cut out a conservative living by making small personal loans to local farmers, physicians, school teachers, day laborers and other economically hard-pressed clients. After making his first $200,000 Talbonini officially opened a bank, subsequently becoming the first naturalized citizen to open a business in Beaver Valley. In addition to serving the financial needs of locals, Talbonini was also an avid patron of fine cuisine. Thanks to his support his industrious and numerous nieces and nephews opened a chain of restaurants serving the Tri-county area. His youngest son, Luigi, went on win second place in the 1957 Betty Crocker Bake-off, which led to his unprecedented conviction as the town’s first baker to be imprisoned for cooking and serving human meat.

After his death in 1988 Michael Talbonni’s daughter sold his legendary long penis to the State Museum of Adult Film and Art Work. The organ is still on display today, and museum custodians say it draws more yearly visitors than any other exhibit.

Local Healines

Local youth says GOP Presidential runner stole his economic plan

When not attending school or ice skating at local fishing holes one local child, with an IQ estimated at over 234, spends his time as any other child: reading comic books, playing video games, playing with his Doberman Pincher puppies and designing plans for a future nuclear energy facility to be built right here in his hometown. But his parents report that their brilliant and once happy child's innocence has been shattered by an act of "sublime intellectual thievery" on the part of one GOP Presidential runner.

According to Mr. and Mrs. Bob Thorn their son's recently developed strategy for U.S. economic recovery has been infringed on by Herman Cain.

"We had heard our son mumble that an inept demon had carried his intellectual creation out of his thoughts and foolishly broken it like the Seventh Seal straight into a mere mortal's subconscious, " Bob Thorn told reporters yesterday. "At first we just credited Damien's statement to his being upset after witnessing the recent mauling of his gym teacher by a rogue jackal. But by chance, I have the same real estate investor Mrs.Michele Bachman uses and he mentioned he was considering leaving her employment as he's boarded the Cain Train. Asking him for details he told me about Cain's tax code overhaul vision. So upon returning home I looked up his website. Low and behold there it was laid out for the whole U.S. to see -an economic plan practically identical to our son's, just turned upside down!"

Herman Cain's economic plan, called the 9-9-9 plan, calls for radical reform of the present tax codes. Damien Thorn's plan also calls for radical tax reform. While Cain's plan would impose a 9% personal income tax, 9% corporate tax and 9% national sales tax, young Thorn's plan would impose a 100% tax increase on all these things, but additionally a set of "personal responsibility to live fees". These living fees include a 6% fee on drinking water, a 6% fee on breathable air and a 6% fee on the right to live without being bludgeoned to death.

Damien's history teacher and legal counsel to the Thorns, Commodus Santani, says after comparing the two economic plans he believes the Thorns are overreacting and has advised them to drop all thought of any legal action.

"The plans are similar in design but not entirely exact," Santani says. "Damien's plan was tentatively named the Number of the Beast plan while Mr. Cain's plan has a vastly different name. I think even the savvy Michele Bachmann would agree with this. And while Mr. Cain's objective is to restore America's economic independence, the underlying goal of Damien's plan is to guarantee the 1,000 year sovereignty of his future empire. I certainly wouldn't encourage Damien to utter- I mean speak- of this little coincidence again but continue to remain under the media radar screen. If upon reaching adulthood Damien still thinks Cain infringed upon his plan I think then, yes, he has a moral right and obligation to find Cain and seek out justice in a mature and fatal manner."

Local woman purchases last work by renowned artist

Local resident, Almathea Talbonini Richardson, was top bidder in a recent auction of the works of famed artist, Depson Zero.

Richardson, whose family founded the Citizens Central Bank & Loan of Beaver Valley, last week bought Depson Zero’s last and most famous work –Gypsy’s Mansion- during an art auction at the state capital. Painted in 1912 by the Rumanian-born Zero, the painting has not been displayed publicly since 1938. Richardson, who paid $1,200,000 for the piece, says she plans to display it in inside a private and highly secured gallery in her home on Joe Kennedy Drive.

Part of the reason for the high value of the work is that art historians say Gypsy’s Mansion is reputed to be cursed. According to Dr. James DePry of Memphis, Depson Zero was forced out of his Nashville home by a greedy landlord. Zero had given the landlord the painting as down payment on his debt but the landlord reneged on their agreement and evicted the family. It was in the middle of a particularly bitter winter and the exposure ushered in the deaths of Zero, his wife and their two young children.

DePry told the press, “After the Zero family was forced into homelessness it is said Depson breathed a curse into the still-fresh paint. According to legend, days after Zero’s died the landlord confiscated the painting in lieu of back payments. One day later the landlord died in a train wreck. The landlord’s possessions went up for auction and the banker who bought it also died in a train wreck. Next the banker’s creditors bought the painting, and every one of them died in the same manner. One of their widows took reluctant possession of the painting, but she was a nurse and considered a very nice woman. When she died her son had the painting covered and put away in the family attic. It was not seen again until the auction this week.”

Judge removed from office following allegations of authority misuse

Judge Libby Harlotta has been removed from the bench at the Beaver Valley criminal justice circuit following allegations by several witnesses that she had an ongoing sexual relationship with an inmate at the state prison.

State documentation reveals that Harlotta first visited the prison in July of 2009 as a member of a ministerial visitation group. The group, Baptist Babes Seeking Bucks, routinely visit the prison once a month. In addition to visiting the prison members maintain rapports via internet and snail mail penpal correspondences with prisoners seeking spiritual comraderie they can’t find within the facility. Lori Buyons, head of the group, says no one had a clue that Harlotta had stepped outside the boundaries of common decency.

“Libby isn’t like some of the ladies who have ended up falling for a felon,” Buyons says. “She came from a well-to-do family and is a public servant. Besides, she’s not what one might call hot. Who would’a ever thought any guy would give her a second look? No offense, but even prisoners have taste, you know?”

According to the State Corrections Department over forty witnesses have signed affidavits testifying that Harlotta was regularly seen visiting the prison. She was also filmed having sex with the prisoner in several areas of the prison, including but not restricted to the dining hall, the gym, the shower, the janitor’s broom closet and the warden’s office. The witness testimony indicates the judge used her position to gain free access to cells and rooms within the facility during her visits. Although the State Attorney says the evidence is “damning” limited state funds may prevent him from bringing criminal charges against Harlotta.

Additionally, the department says they have decided not to press charges against the inmate involved as he is so close to finishing his sentence. They do contend there is evidence to charge the unseated judge with blackmailing the warden. But the warden has declined to press charges or help in the investigation.

“When she was nine my sister earned the rep as Queen of the purple nurples,” Warden Harlotta confirmed. “Our principal had to wear chest crutches for nearly six months. I ain’t gonna chance it.”

Suspect sought in Hell House torching

Local police have issued a warrant in the arrest of a man witnesses say torched and burned the Hell House constructed by the Redeemers Evangelical Crusader Church. The Hell House, constructed on church grounds, is put on every year by the congregation in an effort to teach children the evils of Halloween and everything else fun. The much anticipated attraction has been put on for ten years without interference except for an occasional egging from the pastor at St. Luke’s Methodist. But this year the congregation watched in horror as Hell House went up in flames early Wednesday morning.

According to Pastor Joe Pratt the congregation had left the chapel after a Wednesday morning breakfast and just got into their cars to leave when flames could be seen shooting out of the windows.

“It was horrible,” Pratt told a reporter, “one moment the flames were shooting out, the next thing we saw the wax figurine of a Buddhist monk fly out of the rooftop. As I was dialing 9-1-1 the Satanic Rock-and-Roll display careened out of the chimney top along with the effigy of a blaspheming teenager and a short-skirted harlot. The whole darned building turned into an inferno before the firefighters could even turn on the hoses. What a terrible, heart-breaking scene!”

Despite efforts by the Fire Department the Hell House burned to the ground.

“It was rather odd, too,” Fire Chief McDaniels was quoted to say, “when we finally turned off the hoses and smoke billowed off the cold ground we saw the scorch marks left on the ground looked strangely like the silhouette of a dove of peace.”

Police took several statements from witnesses who claimed to have seen a suspicious looking man standing on the property just before the firefighters arrived.

“He just came out of nowhere, holding a big empty gasoline can,” Pratt contended. “Stood right beside me and watched as our poor Hell House burned. And then he nodded, smiled and wished me a good day right before he simply walked off. Can you believe the audacity of criminals these days?”

After talking with witnesses a police artist was able to draw a sketch of the suspect. Readers who have seen this man or know of his whereabouts are requested to call the Beaver Valley police department. Likewise, Pastor Pratt says the Redeemers Evangelical Crusader Church is offering a $3,000 reward for any information leading to the apprehension of his “sorry ass”.

The “Munchkin Killer” scheduled to be released Thursday

Steve G. Pottsiweiss, incarcerated since 1985 for manslaughter in the death of a woman he was dating will be released Thursday.

Pottsiweiss was convicted for the 1984 fatal attack of Nadine “Munchkin” Jones, 25, a stripper at Exotica Small where she worked as a dancer. At the time of his trial Pottsiweiss’s lawyer contended Pottsiweiss was suffering from mental trauma after finding out Jones was not a teenager as he said she claimed to be. Although the DA’s office argued Pottsiweiss acted deliberately the jury sided with defense psychiatrist, Melvin Schnooker, who said that because of his trauma Pottsiweiss was not totally responsible for the axe that fell and became embedded into Jones’ skull as she was attempting to flee the mall parking lot where he had followed her.

Pottsweiss faces possible future liability in the matter of 23 women seeking restitution for unpaid child support. The women contend they were all members of the After School Girls Club that Pottsweiss worked at before becoming a bartender at Exotica Small.

Bank CEO charged with attempted bribery

Almathea Talbonini Richardson, a bank CEO and private realtor/landlord, was recently charged with attempted bribery. According to Civil Circuit Judge Audrey Goodheart, Richardson attempted to bribe her in an effort to sway favor in the matter of several eviction cases Richardson had filed against four families she had rented homes to.

Criminal Circuit Judge Bill Richardson released his wife on a $!,000 bond. She is scheduled for trial in November. The Richardson family's psychiatrist, Melvin Schnooker, says he is confident that his client will be exonerated in court

Famed Freedom Fighter’s descendant donates family heirloom to commemorate Occupy Wall Street movement

Stirred to action by recent events in New York City the local descendant of a famous French freedom fighter has donated a priceless family heirloom to the cause.

Steve G. Pottsiweiss, who is a direct descendant of Maximilien de Robepierre, has directed his attorney to donate a priceless family heirloom to NY officials with the stipulation that it is to be used as a public mark to commemorate the Occupy Wall Street movement. The ongoing event has also compelled Pottsiweiss to make business plans. His intent is to open a local business that will help in the cause of bringing justice to those who have and continue to be victimized by crony capitalism.

Pottsiweiss and his fiancé, Libby Harlotta, who are to be married Friday, intend to use the basement part of her home to design and construct replicas of the heirloom. Some of the replicas will be sold purely as home conversation pieces while others will be working products.

Libby, who admits she has never done any “manual labor” before is enthusiastic about the venture. “Having recently lost my job I know now what it is to be an unemployment statistic,” she said. “I am eager to put my labor where it is needed in demanding justice for those who continue to serve and bleed under capitalism’s tyranny.”

Pottsiweiss went on to say, “I can sell these babies on eBay or at the flea market for as much as $5,000 a pop. As our business will filed as a charitable organization all proceeds received, after overhead, will go directly to funding the movement.”

Mr. Pottsiweiss donated this priceless family heirloom to New York City in commemoration of the Occupy Wall Street event

World briefs

Ban on sagging saves asses

Eskimo City, North Pole

Police chief Jokeeni Jokenani has reported that the city's recent ban on sagging has lowered the death rate among Eskimo City residents.

"It is amazing," Jokenani told World Investigation Society reporters, "Last year three of our village men died of exposure after watching the MTV awards on the television at the Post Office. They went out whale hunting as usual and their asses froze. Luckily, we've had no reports of frozen asses whatsoever this year."

Jokenani admits the village elders are still suspicious of MTV. "I wish it was like when I was a teen and MTV was honestly just about drugs, sex and rock and roll. But last week I had to scrape an obnoxious drunken woman claiming to be a MTV star off an iceberg that had drifted off course from the Jersey Shore. I live in sub-zero temperatures and I can still say that just ain't cool."

National

FDA to consider banning more suspected dangerous vitamins

On the heels of banning injectable Vitamin C a spokesperson for the Food and Drug Administration says the bureau is considering a ban on all forms of Vitamin D not prescribed by a physician.

“We acted to prevent people from injecting themselves with vitamin C in the misguided belief it is a personal choice in the treatment for cancer,” the anonymous spokesperson told reporters. “And we can’t just let people stupidly believe they have more common sense than the federal government. Taking any vitamin not manufactured by conveyor belt-type technology is not only hazardous to health but also compromises the nice working relationship the FDA has with the pharmaceutical industry.”

If approved the ban would prevent Americans from walking into broad daylight or other forms of solar presence because of the risk of exposure to non-prescription sources of Vitamin D.

Remains of boy missing since 1971 recovered from family garden

Minneapolis, MN

The remains of a boy have been unearthed in a family garden, close to the area he disappeared on October 31, 1971. Three days after he was last seen a neighbor girl reported the boy’s absence from school and investigators were called in. After a three week search effort failed to produce any leads police began questioning his family. No charges were filed in the case, and no clues were ever taken in for evidence from the residence or property. No one much talked about the child again until the remains were discovered yesterday by his niece. According to police they were called to the scene by 27 year old Matilda Schroeder. Miss Schroeder said she and her mother had carried in a pumpkin from the garden, and as Matilda carved into it she found the grisly visceral remains.

Oddly enough it was the county coroner who identified the remains as his childhood friend. He went on to say it appeared the pumpkin plant had taken nutritive substance from decomposed material in the marshy soil. A portion of this material was from the partially decayed corpse and personal effects owned by the young boy who had vanished years before.

“Good grief, I took one look at that blue blanket and knew it was Linus,” Coroner Charles Brown told investigators. “I don’t know what happened in this pumpkin patch all those years ago but it couldn’t have been a pretty ending for Linus.”

Police officials have now officially re-opened the case. While Detective Marcie Howe would not share any pertinent details she confirmed police are focusing the investigations on family members.

When asked for a comment the boy's surviving sister, Mrs. Lucy. Schroeder said, “You blockhead!”

New candidate officially entered in run for 2012 Presidential election race

Twigs Heights, VA

The What the Hell Evah Party has placed the name of comedian Rip Taylor into the candidate run process for the party’s nomination bid in the 2012 Presidential race. If upon notification he’s been selected and accepts to run, Taylor will go head to head in debates against fitness personality Richard Simmons, internet Jeopardy! semi-finalist, Bon Steppenhauser, and that guy who played the handsome well-to-do next door neighbor in an episode of Malcolm In The Middle. Taylor, possibly remembered for his comedic roles in the 80’s and 90’s, could not be located for comment.

Local accident notes

Almathea Talbonini Richardson of Beaver Valley was pronounced dead yesterday after being hit by a train on Gallo Rail Track. She was 56 years old.

Richardson had gone to the Gallo Station Café where she met friends for brunch around 11AM. According to testimony of eye witnesses Richardson and friends had eaten and left the café and took a stroll along the boarding platform. As they reached the far end of the platform a mongrel dog ran up “out of nowhere” and sank its teeth into Richardson’s Italian-made purse, and as Richardson attempted to kick the dog she lost her balance and fell off the platform onto the track. Before Richardson could get to her feet, witnesses say, train #8 pulled in for its scheduled arrival.

Conductor Fred Thompson of #8 says he did not see Richardson. Police investigators have declared Richardson’s death an accident and say no charges will be filed against Thompson.

Recent area Police reports

October 10: Lyle Tanner, 338 Wayback Circle, apprehended for suspected voyeurism of Beaver Valley Old Folks Home sauna

October 14: Brad Maynard, 999 Cain Avenue, charged with trespassing on public school grounds without authorization

October 14: Brad Maynard, 999 Cain Avenue, charged with taking children off school property without custodial consent

October 14: Brad Maynard, 999 Cain Avenue, charged with unauthorized borrowing of cell phone

October 14: Brad Maynard, 999 Cain Avenue, charged with illegal taking of fire extinguisher on school property

October 14: Brad Maynard, 999 Cain Avenue, charged with putting out fire without school authorization

October 14: Brad Maynard, 999 Cain Avenue, charged with first degree kidnapping of school principal

October 14: Brad Maynard, 999 Cain Avenue, charged with sexual harassment of school principal by kissing on mouth

October 14: Brad Maynard, 999 Cain Avenue, cited for unauthorized donation of blood to school principal

October 14: Brad Maynard, 999 Cain Avenue, cited with Police Department’s Medal of Appreciation for Meritorious Bravery by a Private Citizen

October 17: Almathea Talbonini Richardson, 120 Joe Kennedy Drive, charged with attempted bribery of court official

Church & Community News

October 15^th: The local chapter of People Who Live Daringly will present a production of Hostel Begins at 8:00 PM, proceeds to go for a trip to Holland.

October 20^th:: The teen class at Church of the Nocturnal Weed will present a production of Nightmare on Elm Street. Curtain opens at 7:00 PM in the basement at Reverend Feelgood’s home. Proceeds to go toward the purchase of a new bong for the sanctuary.

October 21th-November 1st: The Forever Disco Organization will be holding try-outs for next month’s production of They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?, begins at 12 PM on the 21^st.

October 23-30^th: Castlerock Church will present performances of Stephen King On Ice in the town square, every night beginning at 12 Midnight.

October 28^th:-Thanksgiving: the First Church of the Eternally Confused will host its annual Easter Egg Hunt on the lawn. Free to the public at $10 a head, this daily event begins at sunrise or whatever time Santa arrives.

October 29^th: the Bulimia Society will present an all-you-can-hurl pumpkin pie buffet. Begins at 5PM. Donations to go toward payments of the society’s annual trip to the Bavarian Cream Puff Festival.

October 29-October 31^th: the local chapter of Politically Correct Parenting will host their annual Child Friendly and Completely Non-Traumatizing Haunted House. Open to the public each evening 5PM-8PM.

October 30th: the First Puritan Church will host a witch stoning. Stonings begin at 8PM, followed by refreshments and lengthy prayer session. No alcoholic beverages allowed. BYOWitch

October 31^st: the First Church of Wicca will host an outdoor group prayer session followed by naked dance in the grove. Begins at 8PM. Members of the First Puritan Church will be turned away at the gate.

October 25-31^st: The Beaver Valley Business League will host its annual Haunted House at the last house on the left. Begins 8PM nightly, admission $4 for adults, $2 for children and seniors with heart conditions let in free.

Classifieds

Household items

For sale: three gurneys, complete set of mortician supplies, two used caskets, twenty plastic wreaths and attractive velvet painting of post-mortem Elvis. Offers being taken by Phil at Blankenship Funeral Home

For sale: Queen-sized mattress, good condition, once used in blood ritual. Offers being taken by Pinhead at Beaver Valley PO #13

Pets

For sale or trade: Doberman Pincher puppies, 12 weeks old, paper trained and cute as buttons! One of these adorable pups can be yours today for the low, low price of your eternal soul! Contact Damien at BV Post Office #666

Vehicles

For immediate sale: 1958 candy-apple red Plymouth Fury, good gas mileage, mint condition, loves playing the radio for right owner. Going now for $1 or whatever change you can shake out of the piggy bank. On sale now at Ike’s Used Autos, Main Street, Beaver Valley, and please HURRY!!!

Homes

Spacious 5BR/3BA Victorian home with walk-in breakfast nook and recently renovated dungeon. In walking distance of local schools and parks, family plot on grounds perfect for picnics or barbecues. Present owner taking all bids before her family returns from Europe. Open-house auction all-day Saturday beginning 8AM at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Miscellaneous

Bed, ropes and crucifix used in exorcism, comes with certificate of authenticity from the Vatican. Interested parties may make bid by calling at 555-7770 or asking for Regan at Captain Howdy’s Contortionism Studio on Pazuzu Avenue.

HUGE assortment of firecrackers, perfect for throwing at trick-or-treaters, going CHEAP at Reverend Joe Pratt’s Anti-Fun Emporium. Located at 100 St. Paul’s Street beside the Fire & Brimstone Bible Shop.

GUNS, GUNS, GUNS! A huge selection of beautiful, hardly used, federally-approved semi-automatic weapons! These babies must be cleared ASAP to make room for buttload of confiscated Gibson Guitars! Call Eric H. with best offers NOW at 555-HDOJ

Personals

W/S/V/M seeks amusingly brief and thrilling relationships with W/S//F’s who like to screw but not with me. Age, appearance, personal interests and hobbies don’t matter. Interested parties are invited to visit the abandoned Myers home at the corner of Meridian Avenue and Mission Street.

Fun-loving Hungarian senior bachelor seeks healthy young women willing to carry his clone from transplant to birth. Preference for blonde, hot, slim, liberal and IQ-deficient. Will pay for all expenses including delivery room costs. Contact George S. at BV Post Office #3000

FREE room, board and showers for non-virginal women. Call Norman now at 555-Nutz

REWARD offered to the person who stole my mother’s dress. Info kept private. Call Norman now at 555-Nutz

FREE used corsets, fishnet stockings and stiletto heels for transgender peoples willing to move to exciting new locale! Call Riff Raff for more details at 555-6969

FREE to good home: original painting by renowned artist Depson Zero. Signed and authenticated. Perfect for home centerpiece. Present owner will bring to your home and even mount it to your wall if you'll just please take it. Contact Bill Richardson at 555-0001

REWARD offered for missing teleprompter and lectern, last seen and hugged in parking lot of the Marriott hotel near Richmond. Call Barack at 1-800-Me-Prez

Content ©2011 by Beth Perry