Beaver Valley Post National News - January 30, 2013

Washington DC

The U.S. Senate Tuesday confirmed President Obama's choice of John Kerry to replace Hilary Clinton as secretary of state. The historical confirmation is the first such an appointment for a delegate from the Gamma Quadrant and the first officially recognized position within the Obama administration for any Changeling.

Until now Odo was the only Changeling to work for any President, when his services were retained as Fantasy Pool Boy to the First Lady during George H. Bush's administration.

Changeling shapeshifter John Kerry has received Senate confirmation in his appointment as Secretary of State.

Maine

A panel of scientists from Morte Humanicus University is urging the White House to endorse the construction of a project they say will eliminate carbon footprints forever from the planet.

The scientists say if constructed the Carbon Footprint Vanishing Project will erase every last carbon footprint of every species that has ever lived on planet Earth. Developed by environmental architects, David Ragnarok and Joel Endtimes, the project calls for the immediate building of twenty black solar panels, twice the size of a football field each. According to the scientific blueprints, the solar panels would then be coated with millions of gallons of skin extracted from albinos, redheads and other people that attract sunburns like honey attracts ants. These coated dark panels would draw intense solar flares and winds directly to earth, and in doing so will obliterate the entire surface.

"If implemented," Endtimes has told the press, "this project will renew the environment by turning it into one giant sand dune. The planet will be almost instantaneously liberated from hundreds of millions of years of carbon footprinting from useless life forms."

President Obama and several members of the House of Representatives have promised to look at the project blueprints. If the project gets the go-ahead by lawmakers it will then be slated for construction by NASA.

If the Carbon Footprints Vanishing Project is approved by lawmakers planet Earth can look forward to be turned into a pristine and carbon footprint-free ball of sand.

Virginia

Results of a study into the after-effects of bullying experienced during childhood give disturbing insight into detrimental repercussions that bullying can leave on the human psyche.

Researchers for the Apathy and Indifference School of Psychology found 7 out of 10 persons that experienced bullying as children were more likely to develop empathy for others in adulthood. Head of the research, Professor Mike Kneeds, is calling upon educators to take drastic steps to remind kids to accuse their peers of bullying at every chance they get and to never, ever actually give a bully what they truly deserve.

"Dishing out a good ass kicking is just not acceptable," Kneeds says. "If a child loses confidence that they are being victimized they are at risk to experiment with empathy. While some suggest empathy is a harmless recreational emotion, trying it can lead to other understandable emotions, like forgiveness, self-reliance and confidence. Excessive use of these emotions puts the individual at further risk of developing common sense, with its side-effects like questioning the sensibility of taxpayer-funded studies. And I don't know about anyone else, but I'll be damned if I want to put kids and my salary at such a perilous risk."

Researchers warn that being bullied can lead to empathy and experimenting with even harsher emotions.

Illinois

An activist group says Leon Panetta made a positive move by lifting military restrictions that previously kept women out of frontline combat situations. However, the group contends the Secretary of Defense needs to be more proactive about getting women immediately into potentially lethal battle situations.

The Chicago-based Misogynists Against Chivalry group is calling upon Panetta and Congress to institute a draft solely aimed at enlisting women.

MAC founder, Lewis Mamasboyd, says that brainwashing young people to believe there are no differences between the genders was a good start to getting women on the frontlines, but more still needs to be done.

“There are still vestiges of wrongful thinking around,” Mamasboyd contends. “Even among people who have been immersed in liberal indoctrination all their lives, some still believe men and women are complementary creatures and accept chivalric behavior. Chivalry and the idea men should protect women and children infringe on our independence. Every second a woman wastes acting feminine and delicate is a second she could have used taking out the trash, changing a tire, cleaning gutters or looking for a second job to support some man's narcotics habit. So it is imperative these misconceptions be stamped out forever if women are ever to take their rightful place as expendable subjugated beasts of burden to our needs. And the best way to start this process is in forcing women to offer up their lives in the wars we men start.”

MAC's Lewis Mamasboyd says that every second a woman wastes acting feminine and delicate is a second she could have used being an expendable and subjugated beast of burden.

California

First Lady Michelle Obama has joined the ranks of an elite group this week when she was inducted into the Forevermore Alba Hall of Fame.

The Hall of Fame was established in 1989 by the Crackers By Choice Society. Inductees are selected among individuals who have advanced public awareness of skin lightening and tirelessly maintained an egocentric-based rejection of their natural skin pigment. Past inductees include such distinguished melanin erasers as Iman, Lil Kim, Sammy Sosa, most of the Jackson family and Conan O’Brien.

Michelle Obama has joined an elite group for her continued and dedicated efforts to turn white.

Oregon

Rep. Merwyn "Mitch" Greenlick recently proposed a law in Oregon that would make cigarettes a prescription-only drug. If the state lawmakers pass the bill, anyone caught smoking tobacco would face a $6,250 fine and possible jail time. But insiders are saying that Greenlick, who has previously worked to ban bicycle trailer seats for children, has expressed eagerness to propose bans on many more potentially dangerous activities.

Activities that insiders say Greenlick will likely try to get banned include:

Leaving candles unattended

Eating of food after the 5-second rule has passed

Using orange peels to make smiley face teeth

Opening microwavable popcorn bags by pulling corners of bottom end instead of top

Running with scissors

Not changing your toothbrush at least once a year

Wearing old prescription glasses or contacts

Getting fresh air without first applying sunscreen

Failing to lather for at least twenty seconds when washing hands

Walking under a ladder

Stepping on a crack to break a mother’s back

Staring into a mirror and chanting a dead person’s name three times in order to summon their ghost

Neglecting to throw a pinch of dropped salt over your left shoulder

Walking past a wooden surface without knocking on it

Failing to say “Gesundheit” or “Bless you” after someone sneezes

Standing at a crossroads at midnight

Failing to make the “cross out” sign when a black cat passes in front of you

Wearing white after Labor Day

Uttering the words, “Hey Mitch, when's your due date?" any time Greenlick is within hearing distance.

Hater of cigarettes but obvious fan of food, Rep. Merwyn "MItch" Greenlick

Beyonce's spectacular new album on sale now at the Beaver Valley Bait & Tackle Shop! Get a free can of night crawlers with each purchase!

This Hub* ©January 30, 2013 by Beth Perry

*content is satire and not intended to be taken seriously