Beaver Valley Post World Briefs, January 20, 2013

A close-knit Bajina Basta-based nocturnal-terrorist group has vowed to bring down a "blood bath" on the United States if it doesn’t turn over an American counter-terrorist agent by the end of the month. The group, part of an old-family organization with roots in Hungary, says their leader was kidnapped in the 1980’s while they were on a site-seeing tour of California. They also contend the US officials that took their leader hostage left behind contrived evidence intended to make it appear as if the man had been murdered by a group of water pistol-wielding zealots.

The group say their biggest concern is reports that since being kidnapped their leader has been brainwashed by US authorities and his almost-supernatural powers exploited for international political intrigue.

Spokesman, Dwayne, says that after confronting White House officials about the matter in the 1990’s the group has met nothing but red-tape and broken promises.

The group, which has never shown interest in technological warfare or large-scale killing, maintains they have no intention of compromising general U.S. security. However, Dwayne says they have exhausted all other means to get their leader back and have no choice but to resort to night time assaults on American youths. In an issued statement the group has vowed, “We have been screwed for years and given no alternative. If our brother is not returned to us by the end of January the United States of America can expect a blood bath on its streets, in its abandoned hotels and at any concert Echo and the Bunnymen are scheduled to perform at.”

White House officials confirm that President Obama acknowledges a great wrong has been committed in the name of diplomatic priorities, and that his administration is dedicated to bringing a just, if overdue, resolution. State Dept. and Homeland Security authorities likewise promise to use every resource to return the man. But, they say, locating the kidnapped-terrorist-turned-counter-terrorist-agent may prove problematic.

One State Dept. official admits, “The last we had heard this man, known in Washington as Jack Bauer, was headed to infiltrate unfriendly forces in either North Africa or the Allstate corporate headquarters. But by the end of the day nobody really knows where he'll show up next. Also, some governmental personnel are reluctant to approach him as previous encounters have set-off chains of convoluted, hackneyed events with typically fatal results for anyone who, even inadvertently, crosses his path."

A nocturnal-terrorist group says the US kidnapped their leader (seen here second from right) in the late 1980's, then brain-washed him into becoming a counter-terrorist agent who draws chaos and death like a magnet for everyone who walks into his life.

Event coordinators have announced that the Washington state city of Androgenicton will be home to the first International Doper Olympics.

Helga Brutestad, vice-president of IDO says that the event is estimated to generate over 4 million dollars in revenue for the city. Among the highly anticipated games will be the Cross-country Truck Carry, the Women’s Tractor Toss and the Bicycling Across the Pacific and Back events. Brutestad says planners are still hopeful to sign Lance Armstrong on as Openings Host, but final negotiations will depend on which way the wind blows at the time.

The Web Pirates Orthodox Church today confirmed that hacker Aaron Swartz didn’t make this year’s list of Venerated Martyrs. Officials explained that this was due to the fact Swartz’s death came after formal nominations closed.

Every year the Church recognizes activists who have contributed to the cause of information freedom through their brilliant, daring actions and subsequent heroic deaths. Last week the internet buzzed with speculation that Swartz was an automatic shoo-in. Swartz, a hacker and outspoken opponent of copyright protection, hung himself on January 11, after what supporters say was unjust indictment by a grandstanding prosecutor’s office. But due to the timing of his death Swartz’s ardent supporters will have to wait until next year to see him eligible for candidacy.

As throughout the past decade, the Holy Forum of Bishops this year nominated several individuals, with the final selections made by the Holy Online College of Cardinals. Nominations for candidacy to the Venerated Martyrs roll are open annually between April 1^st and October 31^st, with the final selections filed into documentations solemnized by Holy Rites on Celebration of the Martyrs day.

Officially making the roll for 2013 are:

UK-born paparazzi photographer, blackmailer and felon Frances Dwayne "The Vulture" Cartwright II, who perished in 2010 while attempting to take a photograph of Vladimir Putin getting his buttocks hot-waxed.

Cambodian-born Dong Phlatt Nhow who hacked into the tell-all sexual memoirs of several feminist militants and was bored to death in 2009.

Canadian Bertha A. Evans, owner of the Authors Are Slaves To Readers online book redistribution library, who died from complications of terminal laziness in 2010.

Australian Doug “Scatz” Deeney, who committed suicide in 2011 after a fellow internet pirate complained Deeney made suck-ass cat memes.

American-born college student Phillip Thomas Kyllbate, who in 2010 was fed to sharks in an honor killing by Somalian sea pirates after Kyllbate boasted he had hacked into Captain D’s recipe for malt vinegar.

His Holiness, Stenka Razin IV will preside over the Celebration of the Martyrs rites, to be held sometime after he is released on parole.

His Holiness, Stenka Razin IV, says Aaron Swartz was one of his personal favorite activists and over the last six months has tweeted over 50 snarky comments about Carmen M. Ortiz.

The High Court of Azholighan has favorably voted 32-0 on a legislative bill proposed last month by President Imezed Onhandya. With the enactment of the new law women are now considered illegal in Azholighan. As the law went into effect immediately upon passing, thousands of women and their female children and relatives are expected to be forcibly removed from the small nation by the end of the month, and any person caught harboring a female individual will face stiff fines and imprisonment.

Onhandya explains that the goal of the new law is to reform long-standing traditions within the country that are often deemed "barbaric" or "unjust" by bigoted outsiders. Such practices as denying women education, forcing them to wear heavy veils and frequently stoning a woman for allowing herself to be raped have long been part of Azholighan culture but which have come under harsh criticism by international humanitarian organizations. Onhandya says the new law will liberate his country from ugly stereotypes by ignorant westerners.

“Ours is a peaceful and open-minded society,” Onhandya explains. “It is time to end the unfair profiling of our legal citizens who just happen to be intellectually and physically superior to women, not to mention much more attractive.”

State press officials in Azholighan today released an announcement that President Onhandya is engaged to be married. This will be the first marriage for the previously confirmed bachelor Onhandya. The bride-to-be is Seminal Eruptusmazda, a star performer in the National Azholighan Dancing Boys Troupe. The announcement also confirms the wedding will probably take place in mid-March when 12-year old Eruptusmazda will be out of junior-high for spring break.

Writer, actor, director and producer Quentin Tarantino, who brought the world of cinema such well-known films as Natural Born Killers, Hostel, Kill Bill I (and II) and most recently Django Unchained, has been recognized with the Lifetime Achievement Award by the Tasteless In Cinema Institute. The Institute, which honors outstanding work in areas of cinema tastelessness, had previously paid tribute to Tarantino’s work by bestowing him with the coveted golden Gaper award in the categories of Gratuitous Violence, Ludicrous Visual Mayhem, Senselessly Exploitive Plot and Tedious and Repetitive Obscenities That Obscure All Claims To Intelligent Dialog.

Quentin Tarantino tearfully accepted the Lifetime Achievement award saying, "I am so ****ing elated to accept this god**** award on behalf of all the *******s who make me the rich ***hole that I am. Thank-you, ****ing thank-you!"

A coroner deployed by the US State Dept.has released his autopsy report on the 41-year old American found dead early Saturday in Liechtenstein

Memphis native, Kade V. Lewis was a renowned epideminologist and had spent the last ten years donating time to health organizations around the world. He is remembered by friends and family for believing his mission in life was not only to find a cure for cancer but to discover the fundamental root of all types of cancer. Lewis had arrived in Liechtenstein only a few days before his demise, and was scheduled to meet with a local press agency on Monday to reveal information he claimed proved that recent highly publicized findings on cancer causes and death rates were purposely manipulated for the benefit of the world’s leading drug manufacturers and at least twenty governmental agencies interconnected throughout the global political spectrum.

Witnesses say that around 4AM Saturday morning Lewis fell six floors from his hotel balcony before colliding into a marble water fountain statue. According to the autopsy findings, completed within hours of his death, Lewis had sliced off his own tongue, gouged his eyes out and shot himself in the back of the skull before leaping to his death.

State Dept. authorities point to Lewis’s room service order of a traditional Lichtenstein meal on the eve of his death as evidence he had lost his sanity. His death is now officially listed as a suicide.

North Korea has earned distinctive recognition and awarded the Bronze Ribbon for scientific ingenuity by judges in the 2013 Worldwide Young Inventors Technological Competition.

North Korea was named the third (Bronze) place winner for its Moon Launch Devise entry. Second (Silver) place went to 10-year old Akio Osaka of Japan for his invention of the self-disposing and self-cleaning cleaning rag. First (Gold) place was awarded to Buffy and Tuffy Dodgers of Canada. The twins wowed judges with their entry of double-sided everlasting even-temperature pillow covers.

After the awards ceremony judges admitted that North Korea barely missed earning Second Place.

“It was a hard decision,” judge Terry Krebins told the press. “And we don’t want to dampen the spirit of any youngster with the pluck to enter. But after careful examination of the entry all the judges said they felt the Moon Launch Device idea in many ways resembled by the work of another inventor. While we applaud all children aspiring for scientific greatness, we had to take the similarities of the two inventions into consideration. And in the end, we simply felt awarding North Korea a lofty second place might be misconstrued as condoning "borrowing" of technological breakthroughs. Besides, a self-cleaning cleaning rag is a much more practical invention than using a giant rubber band to achieve flight to outer space.”

Judges say the Moon Launch Devise too closely resembled another technological advance thought up by super-genius, Wile E. Coyote of Arizona, US. However, they did award North Korea the third place ribbon in recognition of effort.

This Hub* ©January 20, 2013 by Beth Perry

*Material is strictly satire and not intended to be taken seriously.