Bed Bugging

This is not a hub about actual bed bugs, if you were looking for information on bed bugs this hub will be of no help.

For the most part, I've always been a sound sleeper, and most of the time I have no problems getting to sleep. My wife and I share a queen size bed, that in my opinion should have no problems accommodating us. She is small, around 5'2, (although she claims she's 5'3). I'm 6'2, lanky, but not all that big. Regardless of our obvious size difference, my wife seems to think we should have the exact amount of space in bed.

Despite this, we usually do just fine in our queen size. Other times however, I am amazed how much of the bed this woman can use. No corner of the bed is left untouched, each square inch of the mattress is inhabited at some point during the night. Sometimes I feel like I'm sharing a cot with Shaquille O'neal.

The other morning I asked her if she had enough room in bed. I thought I was being sarcastic until she informed me I had slept on her side all night. Perplexed, remembering at one point waking up to find one of my feet on the floor just to keep from falling, then finding arms and legs wrapped around my back and neck, I started to laugh. I then wondered where exactly her side of the bed began or ended. Do I really want to start this fight?

Of course I do. I was also informed that I constantly take up all the room in the bed. Still confused, and not learning my lesson, I tell her about how I woke up last night. Oh stop, you did not, you have plenty of room over there! I let this go, secretly wanting to video tape my wife the next time she sleeps but knowing that may a little creepy if caught.

I've tried to move my wife in her sleep, this only makes the situation worse. Speaking in tongues, she will mumble and moan and somehow end up even more on my side of the bed. Trying to move my wife when she is asleep is like trying to block Lawrence Taylor after telling him your quarterback has a free bag of cocaine in his helmet, not going to happen.

The newest twist to the situation is our puppy Mason. I have no problems with the dog sleeping at the foot of the bed, but Mason has decided he would like a pillow under his little head. When I'm asleep, he shimmies his way up between us and falls fast asleep. Now, along with knees and elbows, I have the pleasure of waking up to paws jabbing me in the face, or a nice wet puppy sneeze in the middle of the night.

Don't feel too bad for me though, it's really not that bad. I'm happy to have my wife by my side, or on top of my side in this case. I've tried to sleep in the other room, but it was weird. I woke up wondering where I was, on the wrong side of the house, with Mason on top of me anyway. I guess I was on his side of the bed.