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Beware the Groundhog Day

Updated on December 13, 2020
A groundhog preparing for the oncoming zephyr of doomsday!
A groundhog preparing for the oncoming zephyr of doomsday! | Source

What is Groundhog Day?

Certainly we've all heard the story about the Germans in Pennsylvania who brought their sacred weather-predicting mammalian friends, and soon enough everyone was going around sticking their heads in rodent holes asking whether it's going to snow or not. This is all well and good, but it's clearly a fairy tale. Would you like to know about the absolutely true and very secretive origins of Groundhog Day?

No of course not. Asking such a foolish thing would be met with scorn and ridicule.

But if you're willing to go beyond the veil of secrecy and dive into the underbelly of a centuries-old organization I may be able to enlighten you and break you free from the blinders the holiday enforcers have put up to shield us from the truth.

Groundhogs originally only existed in the Yangtze River Delta, and were often kept as pets by people in and around Shanghai. Due to advanced Chinese animal husbandry techniques the people of Shanghai were able to breed groundhogs with superior weather prognostication. This led to China being the world leader of weather forecasting. No one outside of China knew this due to the disconnect that China had with the outside world.

In the late 18th Century the Chinese secretly brought groundhogs to the newly-formed United States in hopes of establishing a foothold on cultural traditions, because he who controls culture controls the world! Of course no one knows this, because the Chinese agents were disguised as Germans. And gradually they integrated the groundhogs into American culture, making people think that the groundhogs were always in America and that the silly Americans weren't looking hard enough before.

And so they celebrate this ridiculous ritual each year to ask the almighty groundhogs when spring will come. This is clearly to lull the people into a trance to control their minds.

For those that see past the facade they will notice that the effect of the shadow on the ground affects the central nervous system of the groundhog causing them to flutter their tiny limbs wildly. We cannot see this as the movement is too fast for human eyes. This generates an immense amount of static buildup, causing a chain reaction resulting in either six more weeks of winter or the end of life as we know it! Thankfully the latter only has a 0.0000000000000000001% chance of happening.

However, this is only scratching the surface of the dreaded groundhog conspiracy. Please brace yourself as we unfold the terrible tapestry of the Marmota monax.

Those that get a chance to see this hidden hideaway of the groundhog's underworld would find a network of tubes, wires, computers, weather monitoring equipment, and groundhog meteorologists all working together for the good of all mankind by predicting the weather and guarding us from the dreaded doomsday device that is set to destroy us all in a cataclysmic whirlwind of nuclear devastation. You don't know about the doomsday device, because you're not supposed to know. As soon as you try to tell the world special agents, working for the holiday protectors, will come and take you away. Sure they look like friendly men in white coats, but I know their secret.

This may all seem quite preposterous, as it should be, but I don't have much time as the government holiday enforcers are on their way to silence this whistle-blower. I'll take down the whole operation. You hear me?! EVERYTHING! We must uncover the truth! WE MUST....

[connection closed]


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