Beyond the Stars
As I stood outside, the star-filled skies looking down at me, I listened as I so often do. I speak with my Sheila almost every single night and she speaks to my heart. Some may be skeptical or not believe that we can speak to our loved ones long after they leave this planet, but I know it in my heart of hearts to be true. The voice, only audible inside my mind and my heart spoke to me. Though she has been in heaven for many years now, the voice of my wife spoke to me again. She read me like a book and knew where my heart and my thoughts had been for far too long again. I listened to her soft, gentle tone; the only tone that this Bipolar mind can accept. Aggressive, confrontational type words would only send me reeling as far away as my mind could get. Her words, like the stars above me, exploded in my mind as I took in her words.
"You fall short of the goals you seek, not because you lack the passion nor the talent to see the very peak of the mountains you wish to claim. Your passion for life and writing are more than your desires for anything else. The very core of your heart and soul come to life in your written words. They, like a burst from the Sun's surface, explode and light the hearts and minds of those that read you. Your failure to reach the stars should not be blamed on any other circumstance other than your deep fears of of failure itself."
As I listened to her, I watched the night sky, trying to see beyond the stars. I strained to see if I could look beyond the stars above me. They sparkled and blinked as if winking at me. The big Dipper and the Milky-way shone brightly, like looking down at New York City from an airplane at night. Stars followed stars into a deep space that only beget more stars behind those that I looked at. I tried to process Sheila's words, wanting to understand them. Still, I searched the skies for what might lay beyond the already diamond filled heaven above me.
"If a Doctor is what you would have chosen to be, then a Doctor you would have been. If you had chosen to be an astronaut, then your passion and your knowledge would have taken you into the very stars you wish to touch right now. Only your fears of failing have stopped you from embracing the places you could have been. You fear that your writing is not good enough to sell out the store shelves they adorn. Each time you find yourself close to climbing further towards the top of the mountain, you find a reason to rest. You have the abilities, the talent and the passion to finish the climb. It is not about your dedication, for it is stronger than the very breath you take to live. Application is where you miss that pinnacle you so very much desire. Applying the belief that all of those that know you and love you have for you is what you must do. You must be the one to make it happen, Darrel. No one can do this for you. Go forward and do what you know; what you have Always known needs to be done."
I listened and thought of what she was saying. Doubts, as always, crept in to my thoughts. I do work hard and I do apply myself and I... I DO find something else to do when I feel as if I may actually be making forward progress. There was nor is there any denying the fact that I am like a child at times. The "squirrel" effect takes over for me and I find myself easily distracted. I shook my head, looking at the sky, searching for the star I had been focusing on. It was no longer there. Perhaps it had not been there at all. The skies, filled with a bazillion shining lights, suddenly swallowed up the space that my star had been in. Sheila was done for now. She had said what she had come to say and now, the rest was up to me.
As I strain to look beyond the stars, I suddenly become fully aware of the stars that stand right in front of me. I turn my focus on them and see the dazzling beauty before me. I realize that Not everything has to be further than the stars. Not everything I seek has to be so gihugic that it appears to be too far to even try. The mountain is only as tall as I allow it to be and the stars, only as out of reach as I tell myself that they are. I see now that though I tell myself I am dedicated to my writing and that I give it my all, I stray more often than I should and fall short of what I Do have the passion and the ability to do. Instead of trying to go beyond the stars, I think that I will stay within my own Solar System for a time and finish the climb.