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Billybuc and Hot Buttered Buns

Updated on April 19, 2014
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I sit on the edge of the bed wearing nothing but a drying layer of sweat and stare at the computer screen across the room.

Running my fingers through my hair I struggle with the decision to participate. Behind me, Maxine prods me with her toe and moans. She’s either having another bad dream about hot buttered buns being outlawed, or she’s ready for round two.

In front of me, my monitor glows with the image of four pictures--four pictures that are haunting me.

Damn it! Why hadn’t I read the details of the contest the first time? If only I had taken the time to read through the entire article instead of speed browsing it, as is my customary habit, I would have noticed what the winning prize was going to be; an autographed copy of William D. Holland, A.K.A. Billybuc’s “The 12/59 Shuttle from Yesterday to Today”. And now here it is less than an hour from the deadline. It’s bad enough that if I wanted to complete this thing that I would really have to rush, but now Maxine is beginning to wedge her toe into an area that tells me that she is definitely not dreaming--or is she? After all; wasn’t it about hot buttered buns?

I want that book. I need that book!

Behind me, Maxine whimpers, “C’mon Poopsie. Come back to Mama.”

I turn and leer at her, and she must notice the hesitancy in my eyes because she begins to slowly pull the sheet up over her thighs…higher…and higher. One of Billybucs recent articles comes to mind; “Are you a Giver or a Taker”. Oh yes, I’m definitely feeling like a giver right about now.

Oh, God! Get a grip, man. I put my fists against my eyes. Think about the book, man. Think about the book!

I stand and walk toward my desk but turn to face Maxine before I sit down.

“Please, Sugar Muffins! Just let me write this one little story and I’ll be right there.”

Maxine flings the sheet aside and jumps to her feet. Her entire body flushes with anger as she stands there glaring.

She didn’t know it, but at that moment she had me…oh yeah…I was done! But she didn’t realize it, so she just huffed at me and then stormed out of the room wearing nothing but her…well, wearing nothing at all. As the last of her bounced through the doorway, I too suddenly began to dream about hot buttered buns.

I turn back to my desk and sit in my leather chair, instantly wishing that I had donned my undies. Rocking from side to side until the leather finally quits pinching, I stare at the four pictures that the author of the article, Billybuc, has posted. I take a deep breath.

Why, Billy? Why? As if the randomness of the subjects in the photos wasn’t difficult enough, he also wants them referred to in the order that they are displayed.

Oh, you’re lucky I’m not in Washington picking apples right about now, Mr. Buc!

Okay, get a grip. You can do this. I study the four pictures: boats moored to a dock, a Jay Bird, a cement mixer in a shed, and the Winged Victory Statue in Olympia Washington…and I draw a complete blank.

Knowing it’s time for drastic measures, I reach into the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet next to my desk and pull out my trusty little flask. I unscrew the cap, tilt the bottle back and take a deep slug. After doing my imitation of, Jack Nicholson’s character, George Hanson from the movie “Easy Rider”, I sprinkle a little of the rot-gut on my fingers and commence to anoint myself.

I don’t know if it was the result of swallowing the whiskey, or dowsing myself in it, but it must’ve worked, because as I sat there trying to catch my breath and uncross my eyes, the inspiration hit me! It was like a light shining down from heaven, and the entire story began to unfold before me. I had an image in my mind as clear as day: Otis Redding and Ronnie Van Zant trying to combine their hit songs after drinking home-made wine that had been fermented in an old cement mixer on Memorial Day. Yes!

I lean forward in my chair, and once more the leather bites into my rear end which oddly enough makes me think of Billybuc again. I jerk my fingers toward the keyboard and prepare to start typing when from my peripheral I notice the time; 12:01 AM.

Ahhh! Damn you, Billybuc!

I collapse forward, and my forehead hits the keyboard spelling the word, “jhhgfg.” Believing that I have just accomplished one third of a haiku, I lean back, defeated, resigned to the fact that I have been disqualified from winning the book.

“Ah, what the hell,” I moan to myself. “I guess I’ll just buy the damned thing!”

From the kitchen I hear Maxine rattling some pots and pans. I guess I’ll head that way because if I’m not going to be working on a story for Billybuc, I might as well have myself some hot buttered buns!


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    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Wayne, this is too friggin' funny! You had me laughing all the way through. I kinda like the visual of picturing you naked at your computer missing out on those hot buttered buns, too. Oh, my! This is hilarious!

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 4 years ago from Deep South, USA

      Congratulations for writing a witty story (essay?), Mr. B. Your inspirational image of Otis Redding and Ronnie van Zant nearly threw me out of my chair! If they drank wine fermented in that old cement mixer, I can only hope the inside wasn't as rusted as the outside...

      Good luck in the contest. Clocks usually vary by a minute or two, and maybe Bill's is slow.

      Voted Up and Funny

      Jaye

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 4 years ago from Shelton

      humorous, witty, strong, detailed, creative, funny, pick and adjective.. I loved it wayne barrett good luck in the contest!!!

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you very much Shar! I actually had a lot of fun writing this one. And yes, I had my undies on when I wrote it : )

      By the by...didn't you win the last one?

    • xstatic profile image

      Jim Higgins 4 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

      Really funny, witty and well written Wayne! Maybe Mr. Buc will give you a discount or a coupon for 20% off on some hot buttered buns,

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you, Jaye. It's funny you pointed out my mention of Otis and Ronnie; I am tempted to actually do the story that I jested at in the contest story. Maybe... : )

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 4 years ago from southern USA

      HAHAHA, so hilarious!

      Really funny write here and cleverly written.

      Oh, me . . . hot buttered buns!!!

      Hope you made the deadline! LOL

      Blessings, Faith Reaper

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you very much, Frank. Did you enter?

    • pstraubie48 profile image

      Patricia Scott 4 years ago from sunny Florida

      Clever approach to a Billy challenge....:)ps

      Angels are on the way

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thanks Ed! I think by the time the buns got this way they wouldn't be too hot anymore : )

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Wayne, if your comment meant to be addressed to "Sha", yes I did win the last one. I didn't enter this time because I already have Bill's book. In fact, I wrote a review of it. It's awesome!

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 4 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      So very funny, I was even laughing while my daughter was trying to argue with me. Kinda stopped her in her tracks. Hahaha

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 4 years ago from Shelton

      No the comp.. is too good..LOL look at this entry

    • wayne barrett profile image
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      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you, faith. I'm sure you never run around the kitchen like that, do you? : )

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you, Patricia!

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 4 years ago from southern USA

      I'll never tell, although our children are grown and out of the house!!! LOL

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Becky: Thank you for the kind words. It's always a treat to see you here.

    • Isaac White profile image

      TDM 4 years ago from Welcome to my beautiful world, where magic is no longer a myth.

      Well wayne,

      Truly interesting to read caught me off guard but, nmevertheless. once again you have mesmerized your readers. voted up.

      I. White

    • suzettenaples profile image

      Suzette Walker 4 years ago from Taos, NM

      Go for the hot buttered buns! This is so funny and creative. I love it. Very unique story.

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you so much, Isaac. As always, you are very kind!

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you, Suzette!

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 4 years ago from Deep South, USA

      Wayne...I hope you will write that story! Jaye

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Jaye, I just might have to, or I will never be able to quit thinking about it.

    • CMerritt profile image

      Chris Merritt 4 years ago from Pendleton, Indiana

      WAYNE.......check me if I am wrong, but YOU live in Florida, right? Tht is East Coast time.......Billy lives in Washington.....that is Pacific Time!

      It was only 9:01 according to Billy!! YOU still had three more hours..you could have STILL wrote your adventure AND had some hot butter buns....and could have kept Maxine happy!! DUDE!!

      Regardless of all of that, you made me laugh........funny stuff!!

      lol

      Chris

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thanks, Chris. Glad I could put a smile on your face.

    • Radcliff profile image

      Liz Davis 4 years ago from Hudson, FL

      Awesome! Way to represent, neighbor. :)

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you, Liz. Hey by the way, are your Hot Buttered Buns gluten free? : ))

    • profile image

      Lesleysherwood 4 years ago

      This was fantastic. Its really fascinating reading different accounts and stories with the same pictures like I'm doing today. I'm glad you missed the deadline as if you hadn't you probably would have written about Otis Redding and Ronnie Van Zant and this was far far better. Worth you having to buy the book I reckon.

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you very much, Lesley. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I really didn't miss the deadline, it was just part of the story. This one will be in the contest.

    • profile image

      Lesleysherwood 4 years ago

      Yeah, I thought so... You should do the Redding and Zant in the cement mixer on memorial day anyhow:)

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      I'm actually contemplating the idea.

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 4 years ago from Stillwater, OK

      This, I think accomplished more than one purpose. You did a story on the pics, regardless, and now you can do your own with your thoughts for Memorial Day? Did Maxine ever forgive you?

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you, Deb. I appreciate your perception of what I attempted. and yes, I do believe I may have a story within a story. As for Maxine; if a man never forgets to pay homage to the Hot Buttered Buns, All is always forgiven! : )

    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 4 years ago from California

      You just made me laugh out loud! So funny Wayne!!

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thanks Audrey. I'm happy that I could make you laugh. ( :

    • ImKarn23 profile image

      Karen Silverman 4 years ago

      LOL..c'mon poopsie - come back to bed! HAHA..

      you are sooo funny - this is absolutely brilliant Wayne!

      loved it and good luck!

      voting/sharing

    • tobusiness profile image

      Jo Alexis-Hagues 4 years ago from Bedfordshire, U.K

      Hot buttered buns indeed....a very funny read, massively enjoyable. Good luck.

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you, Leslie. I need all the luck I can get. I appreciate the support and I'm glad I was able to lighten up your day. :-)

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Wayne,

      I will never be able to read another one of your glorious hubs without picturing a frustrated, dried-sweat sporting, naked Wayne, wincing as his computer chair pinches his arse! Oh my lanta... I laughed so hard, I'm starting to wish my computer chair had a wipeable surface :-)

      Too funny! I remember getting the notification for Billy's writing contest hub and immediately saved it into my favorites with intentions to partcipate... but if this is what happened to you... it's probably a good thing I couldn't find the time to return to that favorite!! I feel your frustration brother! So love this!

      Up and several other blue buttons!

      Cat

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you, Cat. I did submit the story...and on time. Me missing the deadline was just part of the story. I guess I should be happy you missed it...less competition : )

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      I have not laughed so much in quite awhile. This is hilarious! What is so funny, you never did get to the promps. HaHa..I love your writing style Poopsie..Hee..

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you Ruby. I'm still waiting for the results of the contest. Did you enter as well?

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Wayne,

      Competition ha! You were plenty safe, trust me! :-)

      I think Billy misspelled your name in announcing the winner... Garrett, I'll have to let him know. :-)

      (Sarra, if you see this, I'm just flattering Wayne... congratulations to you and a job well done!)

      Honestly, truly enjoyable Wayne!

      Cat

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you Tobusiness!

      Cat: Thanks again sweety. I approached it on a whim just having fun and because of that didn't really expect to be in the running. I made some folks laugh and that makes me happy!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Wayne, this was so darn funny. I laughed all the way through it. Thank you so much for entering the contest and providing me with a belly laugh or two. Well done my friend.

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Wayne... See? right from the horse's mouth! You should always expect to be in the running, though I know it's not your motivation. You're great Wayne... truly enjoyable! Still can't get that image out of my head! :-)

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      It was my pleasure Bill. thank you for allowing me to use your name in jest. It was fun : )

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you Cat. I won't tell Billy you called him a horse! : )

    • Lastheart profile image

      Maria Magdalena Ruiz O'Farrill 4 years ago from Borikén the great land of the valiant and noble Lord

      It is really wonderful to read the way people perceive the same thing. Great job!

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 4 years ago from Deep South, USA

      Wayne, this is still terrific even upon re-reading. Don't forget the next one you're planning to write!

      Jaye

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Wayne,

      Hahaha! Thanks dear, I really appreciate that, I wouldn't want the guy who's saving the world to boot me out of the club!

      Cat

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you, Maria!

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Oh my, Bill steered me here for a needed laugh and you have delivered, Wayne.

      I cannot believe the creativity you have exhibited, especially with Maxine and her demanding ways...so adorable, the lengths you would go to in connecting those enigmatic photographs... way to keep your eye on the prize.

      Gotta go check on my buns before they burn! Voted UP and all across!

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Maria, thank you for the kind words. I am happy that you enjoyed it.

    • dahoglund profile image

      Don A. Hoglund 4 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

      A funny story. I'll have to find out what Billybuc's contest is all about.,

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Thank you Don. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    • Kathryn Stratford profile image

      Kathryn 4 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

      Hahahaha, this is not what I expected! That was awesome! I entered his first contest, and there were several times I sat down to write, and nothing quite came to me. I finally got it together before the deadline, but most everyone who enters a contest thinks of how hard it is to write something good that is in the perimeter of the rules by the deadline. This is very amusing. The way you turned "not writing a piece on time" into an entertaining story is priceless.

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 4 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Glad you liked this one Kathryn. I enjoyed writing it.

    • profile image

      tlmntim9 3 years ago

      Interesting and Ooo La La!

    • wayne barrett profile image
      Author

      Wayne Barrett 3 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      :) Thank you Tim!

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