Breaking News! Investigating the Investigations

Yesterday in another stunning revelation, the mainstream media reported on the details of an anonymous event based on leaked reports by unnamed but high-ranking sources. "Due to the delicate nature of the details, the identities of the sources are not being made public," said an unidentified spokesperson for the anonymous source group. The officials chose to leak this information to the media, with no regard for their nation's national security or personal safety, yet in the interest of self-preservation and their way of life, have chosen to instead do so under the cloud of secrecy currently being favored as the favorable means of communicating favorably with favorable results expected. Media representatives have been unwilling to confirm or deny the agencies, departments, or even what branch of government these sources are from; at this time it's also being kept under tight wraps what nation they are from as well, for everyone safety, but especially the safety of the system. "Due to the riskiness of revealing the sourcing of our sources, we are unable to inform the public of the details of this highly newsworthy event, for concern of the longevity of the processes used to procure these pieces of worthiness," stated another source from deep within the inner media leadership circles.

"We realize that the American public is being manipulated with fake news on a daily basis," said one of the anonymous sources. This statement was corroborated by another unknown, but powerful insider from another position within leadership. "We feel it is necessary to share facts about an investigation which has been taking place that will possibly lead to a major potential shift in political thinking throughout the nation, but at this time we are unable to share any facts or details on the parties involved or the methods of evidence being collected." "It's imperative that all Americans are informed that something is happening, somewhere, at some time," remarked another source with access to highly classified communications, but was unwilling to provide additional details. Of course, this reporting should be considered real news since it's being distributed through legacy news channels; where real news is created when fake news becomes too fact-based and could possibly jeopardize the agencies which currently control the decisions on what is newsworthy.

"Several National Security Agencies are working in conjunction to ensure the investigation is being handled with the utmost care and anonymity," said another of the unnamed sources. "This case involves untraceable evidence from mysterious unmarked data streams that may or may not have been fabricated or otherwise created, but without validation, and of course public scrutiny, and possibly several rounds of polling data, we will be unable to determine how much political damage it may or may not create to certain people in certain positions within the leadership ranks," a different anonymous source was purported to have reported on.

The Intelligence community would not go on record to verify the details of this highly irregular and unorthodox investigation, other than to report that investigating is a primary function of an investigation, no matter how long it takes to complete. At this time major media outlets are being inundated with new advertising requests and sponsorships as the world tunes in to the 24 hour coverage of what's being hailed as the investigation of the century, which supersedes the investigations from the previous weeks investigations, which were credited with the same status only a week ago. Daily interviews with elected leaders both in Congress and the Senate are yielding record-breaking fundraising and one official reported off-the-record, that as long as the money and attention keeps flowing, they are prepared to stretch the in-depth investigation for the rest of the year. One Congressional aide, who chose to keep their identity secret remarked, "if this lasts through the rest of the year, It's likely that nothing will be accomplished in government, even if those matters are important to the voters. We must investigate before we can legislate."

An unidentified but seasoned source from one of the highest courts in the judiciary system concurred that in order to properly investigate the primary target or targets of this investigation, a special team of former investigators would be called in to execute such an examination. "The team is being assembled now and we expect to have everyone on the payroll in short order, possibly even by the end of the calendar year, providing that no other important investigations surface which would require our immediate investigative skills," said a lead judiciary appointee.

The new media has seemingly been left out of the loop and are forced to publish actual news stories based on facts which can be verified at length. A mainstream media spokesperson provided a disguised audio tape recording detailing how the new media wasn't capable of capturing such large stories because they didn't have the experience of the mainstream media, or the seasoned talking-heads necessary to deliver the anonymous information in a sexually charged and dramatic way. An excerpt from the tape went as follows, "these new media sources, if you'd even call them media sources, don't seem to get it. We decide what gets reported and how it's brought to the public attention based on an age-old pecking order, with the network giants leading the way, followed by the major print media sources adding more details the next day, and so on down the list. In this way, the media spoon-feeds the citizenry, much like a baby sheep is bottle fed until its ready to join the rest of the herd. If anyone tries to upset the balance of things, they are quickly exposed as charlatans, with multiple mainstream sources prepared to attack them until they are silenced."

Another anonymous source was credited with the discovery of critical insider information which will likely be suppressed from the public until many years have passed, if at all. "The Washington way must be preserved for the sake of the nation," said a seasoned Washington insider. "Without the guidance of the men and women who have grown wealthy serving this great nation, it would certainly collapse into something that resembles a freedom-loving Republic with laws and customs that provide security to its citizens and economic freedoms that allow America to remain the world's only viable superpower," the source went on to say.

At this time all we can report is that there is an investigation underway, but we cannot provide any verifiable evidence, any names of those providing such evidence, the names of any sources and whether those sources are currently working for the American government or any other government. We cannot corroborate any of the so-called facts that we cannot share at this moment, other than to say that it's a really big, huge, almost life-changing investigation which involves a tremendous amount of face-time for politicians and money being funneled into the two major political parties. Stay tuned for more anonymous details on this developing investigation, presented to the populace anonymously, of course, but with as much fanfare as possible.

This fictional piece is meant to first, make the reader chuckle, but second, to make them see just how much time and effort is being wasted on political theater. The media is an active participant in the show, and they are bringing the house down...on themselves it appears. Hopefully common-sense can make a lengthy appearance and we can move on from the nonsense.