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Great British TV Detectives : CSI London - Murder on the Thames

Updated on June 7, 2016
(photo by Steve Weaver at Flickr Creative Commons)
(photo by Steve Weaver at Flickr Creative Commons)

Great British TV Detectives : CSI London - Murder on the Thames

Play intro music of 'I Can't Explain' by The Who
(written by P. Townsend , Eel Pie Music Ltd)

The scene is in Central London on a quiet dark night in the big city. It is 2am in the morning as the moon hangs over the misty banks of the River Thames.

A group of figures are gathered over a prostrate body talking amongst themselves. Most are in Police uniform save one man bent kneeling over the cadaver.

In the background two men approach the scene, silhouetted in the lights of a nearby bridge. Walking with an earnest purpose and a staunch gait, it is clear they are not casual passers by, but men who are here on official business.

They descend the stairs and walk across the muddy bank of the river towards the Police. They are approached by a Police Sergeant who is guarding the perimeter of the crime scene. He stops in their path and addresses them;

Police Sergeant: Good evenin' gentlemen, can ah help ya?

The taller of the two gentlemen gave the policeman a withering look : "I am Sherlock Holmes, and this is my assistant Dr Watson, we have been summoned here by Inspector Lestrad"
Police Sergeant: "Ah! very good sir"
Holmes: " Now, down to business, where is Inspector Lestrad?"
Police Sergeant: "Why, he's ova there 'avin a shite man"
Holmes: "Mmmmm, very interesting, I take it from your accent and the way you pronounce shit as 'shite' that you are from the Newcastle area Sergeant."
Police Sergeant: "Tha's right sir"

Holmes: "Indeed, in fact, from the lilt in your voice and the way you enunciate your vowels, I would venture that you were raised in the South Shields area"
Police Sergeant: "Born n' raised an bloody proud af it man"
Holmes: "Dare I say you were brought up in Lower Frederick St
Police Sergeant: "Well fook me, ya must be clairvoyant Mr Holmes. Did ya know me Mam then?"
Holmes: " No No! Never been there. It is merely deduction, the facts are there in front of the observer Sergeant, you only have to know what to look for and how to interpret the obvious"
Police Sergeant: "Well ah nevva! Wait till ah tell the missus"
Dr Watson: " Here comes Inspector Lestrad"

Lestrad: "Ah, Holmes, Watson , glad you could come. Had to dash off there for a few minutes, bit of tummy trouble. There you are Sergeant, thanks for the newspaper ..........."
Police Sergeant: "Dinna mention it sir" (mutters under breath "Dirty basta'd, he used the footie pages")
Holmes: "Now Lestrad, what's happened here and how can we help".............

Lestrad: "Well, Holmes, this body was found on the river bank not two hours ago. Seems a clear case of suicide. Dr Quincy agrees with me(Lestrad motioned towards the kneeling figure) but, I've got a nagging feeling that somethings not quite right. So I thought I'd ask for your expertise Mr Holmes"
Holmes: "Very well, let me see the body,........ Good evening Dr Quincy"
Dr Quincy: "Good evening, Mr Holmes. What do you think?"

Holmes walked over to the cadaver, bent over and peered intently at the remains for several minutes. He then spoke in an accusing tone.

Holmes: "Suicide, you say gentlemen? Are you sure?"
Lestrad: "Well ... em ... you doubt it?"
Holmes: "Look again Lestrad, run your experienced eye over the body and tell me what you see, look very carefully my friend"......................

As he was bid Lestrad bent down and stared in painful concentration over the body.

He was certain that he had missed nothing but at the same time unnerved by Holmes challenging stare and the overwhelming reputation of the great detective.

He conferred with Dr Quincy for a few seconds, then turned to speak with Holmes.

Lestrad: "Damn it Holmes, We can't see anything untoward"
Holmes: " What about his head?"
Dr Quincy: " What about it?"
Holmes: " It's not there man!!"
Lestrad: " Oh that! .... Yes! ....No! ......, I mean we thought it was a trick question, a mischievous ruse on your part, you know how clever you can be Mr Holmes. Yes, obviously we noticed the head missing, but I thought you meant something more subtle and esoteric, something not so obvious to the untrained eye"
Holmes: "Never mind gentlemen, safe to say that in my experience a severed head can only mean one thing ......... decapitation and certain death"
Lestrad: "Absolutely, but we assumed that the head got knocked off by a boat in the water"
Holmes: "Assume nothing Lestrad. This was no suicide, this was clearly an act act of murder"
Lestrad: "Really!!"

Maunnes @ Flickr
Maunnes @ Flickr

Holmes: "Certainly, the devil is in the detail, you only have to look beyond what you know and look for what is unknown. The evidence lies in wait right there in front of you.

You may look but you do not see, you may perceive but not believe. You must focus your mind to see beyong the periphery of your expectations and your implicit assumptions to realise the truth"

Lestrad: "Yes, but how can you be so certain it was murder?"
Holmes: "Because his head's impaled on that railing over there"
Lestrad: "Wh..wh..what!!"
Lestrad spun round in shock and beheld the ghastly sight.
Lestrad: "OH MY GOD! It's..... it's .... horrible .....oh my .....oh....oh.......Sergeant!!, can I borrow your newspaper again?"
Police Sergeant: "Very good sir, but mind an' try an' save us the crossword this time, like"

Holmes: "Well!, That's that, Watson, nothing more for us to do tonight"
Watson: "I suppose not Holmes, but what a brutal slaying, what do you think's behind it all?"
Holmes: "Oh, there's no doubt in my mind dear chap, it was a drug deal gone wrong"
Watson: "And you can tell that just by observation?"
Holmes: "You can say that again, he was my bloody dealer!!"
Watson: "Oh really!"
Holmes: "YES! REALLY! I won't be able to score some decent coke for weeks now till I hook up with a new supplier"
Watson: "Well, old fellow, if I can help in any way, I'll have a rummage in the old medical bag"

Holmes: "Oh!! my dear, dear Watson. You're such a treasure , now, let's go home to bed.
Watson: "Yes, Sherry .......... by the way Sherry ...... I don't suppose.....
Holmes: "Don't suppose what?
Watson: "I..... erm.....don't ...don't suppose you'd wear that deer stalker thing tonight would you?
Holmes: "Of course........ elementary my Dear Watson, elementary"

Run closing credits for CSI : London, a new TV Series

from "Sherlock Holmes and the Headless Crack Dealer"
original story by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Adapted by Quentin Tarantino



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    • Shinkicker profile image

      Shinkicker 7 years ago from Scotland

      Thanks for reading Itfawkes

      Can Frederick do a good Geordie acccent then? :-)

    • ltfawkes profile image

      ltfawkes 7 years ago from NE Ohio

      LOVED it.

      Lestrad: "OH MY GOD! It's..... it's .... horrible .....oh my .....oh....oh.......Sergeant!!, can I borrow your newspaper again?"

      Police Sergeant: "Very good sir, but mind an' try an' save us the crossword this time, like"

      made me laugh out loud, and that doesn't happen often. I want this in an audiobook, with Frederick Davidson (man of a thousand voices) reading it.


    • Shinkicker profile image

      Shinkicker 8 years ago from Scotland

      Yeah Russell, but I am in the Brotherhood of the Bizarre of course :-) Thanks for the tip

    • Russell-D profile image

      Russell-D 8 years ago from Southern Ca.

      shinkicker -- a fun read and well written. Took some sweat that one did, didn't it? Maybe a bit bizarre, but in style and sense a piece for magazine submission.Try my friend Sam North at Hackwriters. His monthly is printed in S. England. I'm sure Sam would give you space. Send to You can make the February Issue if you get it to him before Monday. Use Times Font at 12". Put the piece into your E-Mail, don't attach. David Russell

    • Shinkicker profile image

      Shinkicker 8 years ago from Scotland

      Brotherhood of the Bizarre!! I like it. Hope there's no gruesome initiation ceremony :-)

    • cheaptrick profile image

      cheaptrick 8 years ago from the bridge of sighs

      Shin,your even more twisted than I am.(that's a compliment)I bow to your delivery and welcome you to the brotherhood of the bizarre lol.