Lemon County: You Are What You Drive...

I'm an observant kind of guy. I mean, I notice stuff, and perhaps a day or so later, I figure out the pattern. I'm not completely fooled by the new badging on the Hyundai Genesis, for example, I know it's not an Aston Martin sedan, but for that millisecond...

Anyway, one of the things I've noticed, lately, is that there is a correlation between social status and color. Black is, by far, the preferred color, as it conveys both cool, and bad-ass, and is the color of choice for the vast majority of Lemon County’s up and coming. White is a close second, especially that frosty off-white, and, coming up a distinct third, is grey.

Forgot to mention, I'm talking about SUVs, the only acceptable form of transportation for families in the LC. Check it out, the next time you are on the road, that beast ready to devour you as you exceed the speed limit by far less than deemed acceptable, what color? Most are driven by harried blonde women, (insultingly called "soccer moms" back in a previous Presidential selection.)

Now, normally, you only see them from behind. This is an excellent (and relatively safe place) to observe these gas guzzling behemoths, as you get to decipher the tribal markings on the rear window. Cute little people outlines, Christian fish with something against poor Darwin, dogs, cats, feet, even a family of skeletons, some with bows, to help identify the girls. The full set of LC markings declares that this is a family with the requisite 2.2 children, a Labrador, and a cat. They are Christian, currently love Meg, and vacation in Hawaii. They go to St. Costalot School, where at least one child plays lacrosse, or is a cheerleader.

Oh, and they have a terrific sense of humor, that hockey puck halfway through the window, hilarious. Of course, child A no longer does traveling hockey, any more, so 2009, but the sports are a giant clue as to why the families need an SUV. It's the stuff. Hockey requires a bag ten inches longer, and ten pounds heavier, than the child dragging it. Lacrosse stuff is not a whole heck of a lot less, plus you need a long stick, a short stick, a goalkeeping stick, pads, backup pads... You get the picture.

Which brings me, somehow, to birthdays. In the LC, it is the law that you must write all over your car windows, in what looks like multiple colored lipsticks, announcing that the progeny, within, has passed another milestone. Or, that their team is in the play-offs, or that they are graduating, or that they have just purchased a bunny (I’ve not seen any bunny outlines, to date, just cat and dog).

You have to wonder where this is going. I'm concerned that the harried blondes might snap and write rather more personal messages on their car. You know, "been ignored for 47 days," or "biological clock is ticking." Where will it all end, this SUV billboard? "Menopausal maniac" might be a public safety issue, but you would certainly take notice, wouldn't you?

Sadly, I have to conclude that my grey station wagon marks me, indelibly, as a loser LC wanna-be. No people figures, no animal figures, but yes, I love to vacation in Kauai...

C

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Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

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Chris