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Confessions from the emotional
I guess I should start this from the heart; since sometimes that is the only way I think. Do you ever think about that feeling that you get in your heart..That painful ache that you get when your so low to the ground that you have basically hit rock bottom. Its a strange phenomenon because people don't actually love from the heart. The heart is simply just an organ that pumps blood through the body to keep you alive. Why we actually can feel it "breaking" is something that I just haven't figured out how to explain
I have always thought with my heart, maybe that's why some of the things I do are seen as irrational and maybe a little insane. I honestly don't think I could be any other way. According to psychological tests I am 91% more emotional then a woman in my age range. So My emotions are way more involved then any girl ranging from 18-21.. So when you cut me I don't just bleed for a bit I bleed for days and some how find the strength to survive.
Instead of spending time thinking of myself I often spend time thinking of how I can help others. On the hierarchy of needs I have skipped steps..I am at a step much higher then many my age. That is a burden and a curse.
This all wouldn't be as hard to deal with if it wasn't for my beauty. I have a very unique yet symmetrical face. Symmetry is the first thing people look for by instinct. My perfect curves probably don't help either. This could be seen as very narcissistic. But I would give up my beauty for the chance to find a true love who could see to the core layer of who I am. When I was a little girl my mother often said "It's a curse being beautiful"
I thought this was stupid and wondered how that could make sense. Now I know.
I often look everywhere for someone who sees through me. I would love for someone to see me, the woman who wants to save the world, who will go to the Peace Corp and save lives not because she wants to but because she HAS too, A woman who would put her friends and family before any sort of money or education and has, a woman who believes that she is capable of doing anything in the world.. But they don't see all that. All men can see is this shell. This outer beauty that plagues my whole life.
I want other girls who are in the same position or who have been to know that they are not alone. They need to know that they are not irrational for thinking with their whole heart and living to love.That there is someone who is willing to tell about it..Who is willing to tell the story of a woman who is emotional.