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Humour: 42 Ways of Making Money out of Nothing

Updated on January 25, 2022

Dammit! I need money. Do you?

What do I have to offer? Nothing.

But anyone with even a nodding acquaintance with the theory or relativity knows that nothing is a variety of something and so you can always make something out of nothing.

~ Vladimir Voinovich “Moscow 2042”

I have nothing to offer by my wonderfulness and my mind.

Creativity is cheap. Freedom is priceless, so is happiness.

1) Brainstorming:

a. Brainstorming - $250.

b. Brainstorming and cleaning up afterwards - $500.

"Take a brain. Preferably not your own. Your own you might need later.

Put it in a blender. Close the lid. Shake vigorously until homogenous.

Open the lid. Turn the switch. There you go - storm."

2) A piece of my mind - $250.

3) Framing:

a. Your mind - $100.

b. My mind - $500.

4) Handing out toilet paper in men's washrooms:

a. Outside the stall - $10.

b. Inside the stall - $25.

c. For staying outside the washroom and minding my own business - $75 per visit.

5) Singing in the mall:

a. In Russian - $25 per song.

b. In German - $50 per song.

c. In French - $75 per song.

d. In Spanish - $100 per song.

e. Shutting up promptly - $250.

6) Running:

a. Away from you - $25.

b. Towards you with a moderate joy - $50.

c. Towards you with ecstasy - $150.

d. Around you with an idiotic expression - $300.

(facial or assial expression? - to be negotiated.)

7) Tempering with your inner light:

a. Switching it on - $500.

b. Switching it off - $2,500.

8) Introduction to the Bed of Procrustes (normalization technique):

a. Watching how others get normalized - $25.

b. Using the Bed of Procrustes - $2,500.

c. Explaining what the hell it is before the procedure - $50.

d. Explaining what the hell it is after the procedure – free of charge. Rehabilitaion if necessary is your responsibility.

9) Psychiatric help:

a. Quick diagnosis - $25 per word.

b. Treatment

i. Silent - $250 per day.

ii. In low volume - $500 per day.

iii. In high volume - $50 per decibell.

10) Graphic Design:

a. Free - $25.

b. Cheap - $50.

c. Fast - $75.

d. Great - $1,000.

11) Thinking:

a. Outside the box - $500 per hour.

b. Inside the box - $5,000 per hour.

c. Beside the box - $500 per hour.

d. Under the box

i. When the box is loaded - $500 per hour.

ii. When the box is empty - $50 per hour.

12) Colouring your world:

a. with random colours - $10.

b. with your personality colours - $25.

c. leaving you colourless - $100.

13) Teaching Modern Art:

a. First Equation - $250.

Unhappy = Un + Happy

b. Second Equation - $500.

First Impression = Everything you figure out later - later

c. Third Equation - $1,500.

Modern Art = I could do that + yeah, but you did not

14) Breaking:

a. Piecrusts - $25 per pie.

b. Promises

i. Mine - $25 per promise.

ii. Someone else’s - $50 per promise.

iii. Yours - $500 per promise.

15) Questions:

a. Asking stupid questions - $25 per question.

b. Answering stupid questions - $250 per question.

16) Trendsetting:

a. In Fashion - $50 per idea.

b. When I get an idea I will let you know.

17) Making:

a. Progress - $50 per hour.

b. Sense - $1,500 per sense.

c. Hay - $15 per straw.

d. A scene - $500 per scene.

e. You laugh - $30 per minute.

f. You cry - $30 per hour.

18) Finding:

a. a missing piece -$25.

b. Explaining that you need not fill the void - $2,500.

“All things are void. So how possibly could there be any obscurations since everything is void, when you're void itself? There's only the void. In the void, there's only shining, perfect clear light of reality.”

The highest pilotage - Tango in a Bathroom

19) Dancing:

a. Solitude - $50.

b. Silence - $150.

c. Tango - $1,500.

d. With you – double the price.

e. Without you – the price to be negotiated.

“Carlos Gavito: The important thing is to know why we want to dance. We dance a solitude that we have inside us and cannot occupy with anything. This gap, that emptiness to which we put movement is the tango.

"Lo importante es saber para qué queremos bailar. Bailamos una soledad que tenemos dentro de nosotros y no la podemos ocupar con nada. Ese vacío al que le ponemos movimiento es el tango."

20) Free haircut - $25.

"Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair". Sam Ewing

21) Twisting:

a. Your words - $50 per word.

b. Your arms - $250 per arm.

22) Singing:

a. In the rain for you - $50 per hour.

b. In the rain with you

i. If you sing off-key - $500 per hour.

ii. Otherwise – free of charge.

23) Showing the beauty of NOW - $100.

“Living the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causing you to bump into people not going your way. “

Edna Ferber

“Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace.”

Author Unknown

“Nothing ever gets anywhere. The earth keeps turning round and gets nowhere. The moment is the only thing that counts.”

Jean Cocteau, Professional Secrets, 1922

24) Dispensing wisdom:

a. A statement - $25.

b. In bulk - $100 per pound.

c. Creating your personal vision - $2,500.

d. Admitting I know nothing of things I talk about – priceless.

25) Creating a mood:

a. Sadness - $25.

b. Joy - $250.

c. Pensiveness - $2,500.

Pensive they sit, and roll their languid eyes.

~ John Keats

26) Explaining why you need any of it - $5,000.

Prerequisite: Try something less expensive than hearing me pontificating first.

27) Explaining how to count to 42 - $10,000.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, ... twenty-seven, ..., forty-two.

Common-sense appears to be only another name for the thoughtlessness of the unthinking. It is made of the prejudices of childhood, the idiosyncrasies of individual character and the opinion of the newspapers.

~ Maugham, W. Somerset

To see what is in front of one's nose requires a constant struggle.

~ Orwell, George

While writing this slightly insane article, I was listening to the song in Spanish “The Stone Heart.”

a. Translating the lyrics (letras) - $ …, oh, forget it, just enjoy it.

"The best things in life aren't things."

Written with love and passion by Kallini on June 21, 2011

(free of charge)

Follow the Passion not the Buck.


After I have published my hub, something came back. A heart. A whole bank of hearts. Now I have a bank. I wonder what's next?

© 2011 kallini2010


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