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Cuts Like A Knife

Updated on November 9, 2015

Dampness

I miss watching her sleep
Even though I hate remembering it
I miss kissing her little face
I really don't want to think about it

I remember making him giggle
With my fingers in his ribs
All at once
He giggles
And coos
Squeeks and squeals
I don't want to stop
But I better

It was not my choice to give them away
I tried so hard to keep them by my side
At times, I didn't even know what that was
I just knew how bad I wanted it so
I was scared they'd forget
Times we shared
Me, the one who remembers
Now I'm trying to forget
I have so much regret
I could've done more
I could've done...something else
I know I fought hard
Everything is still my fault

It hurts to go back there
They're just twenty minutes away
I know that I'll get there someday
I refuse to stop fighting
I have never stopped
Tried to convince myself
By saying
Maybe it's for the best
Maybe that's a lie
Coming from this cold-hearted woman
This hurt little girl
That tries desperately to protect
What is still hers

It always hurts
Somedays it hurts more
Somedays I have to choke down tears
And trudge forward even though it kills me
Kills me more and more
The more and more I think about it
The more and more I think about them
No, stop
No, it hurts
I don't need this
Leave me alone
Lord, help me
I am powerless against
What this world expects of me
I can't take it anymore
Please don't make me do this
Why must you continue to torture me
Please hold me back
I'll do it
I will this time
Please
You can't stop me
I hate you

I hate you
Why weren't you there when I needed you
You said I shouldn't have kids
I wouldn't know what to do
Maybe not
Now you're right aren't you
You never did anything to help me
You said you'd help me
Whatever I needed, you said
You lying bitch
I hang up on
Because you've done nothing
But hang up on me all of my life
I tried to be the mother you never were to me
To her
To them
But you could never even let me do that right
I hate you
Who you are
What you have become
What you have made me
Damn it, I hate that I need you
I still $%*&ing need you
And I don't want to anymore
You've done nothing to help me
You didn't even listen to me
When I needed you the most
Why weren't you there

Why?
Why don't you believe me when I tell you
That I love you
I know how others see you
But it's not how I see you
I see you as beautiful
Why can't you see me that way too
I love you

Mercedes and Johnathan

The Fight Continues

Even though my daughter's birthday was difficult this year...I made this video for her. I am going to make another for my son in December.

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